I Need to Get My Head Out of My Own Ass

I find myself feeling….unsettled tonight.  I’m not sure where my frame of mind is right now.  I haven’t been doing much in the boy department the last week or so, mostly I’m sure thanks to the kids being with me, but I feel like there’s more than that going on. 

I feel weirdly at odds about Twin and College Crush.  The whole “He’s Just Not That Into You” phenomena has sent me wack-a-doodle down a good path, but it’s still shaken me up regardless.   I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the boys in my life and what I think about them.  Even making the good old pros/cons list for each one.

I continue to see/talk to Twin for a lot of reasons.  He’s really sweet to me, he entertains me greatly, and he’s got with weird mix of little boy vulnerable-ness and manly manliness with his country boy lifestyle.  My pros for him – he’s got $$$, he owns a beautiful home, he’s very established life wise, he’s obviously not afraid of commitment because he’s been married twice, he’s tall (haha) and he is a good dad.  My cons for him – he’s been married twice, he lives an hour away, and he’s got big issues from his divorce that he clearly needs to work on.  And yes, I realize some of my pros are also cons! Twin’s going on his man-vacation this week so I won’t see him for a little over two weeks.  We’ll see how things continue to go.  In case you’re keeping tabs, I still haven’t slept with him yet.

College Crush is another story.  We have this whole history together and there’s the romanticism of dating/being involved with someone I had a crush on in school.  He’s so comfortable to be around, we have very much the same sense of humor, and it’s just easy to be completely myself around him.  He also is really sweet to me and entertains me hugely.  My pros for him – he’s hilarious, he’s baggage free (never married/no kids), we have developed a true friendship, and we have very similar backgrounds.  His cons – he makes less $$$ than me right now (he’s in real estate), he might have commitment issues (never married or even close), he’s not as tall as I like, and he lives an hour away.  After some increased texting the last few weeks including a few drunken nights, he wants to come spend the weekend with me this weekend and I have agreed to it. I figure it’s time to see what exactly is there besides friendship and the weird friends with benefits (and some feelings) thing we had going on earlier this summer.

WTF?  Why am I even making pros and cons lists?  This is what I keep going back and forth between.  Like I’m trying to make myself be with one of them.  I even have caught myself wondering if I could maintain a long distance relationship with both of them at one time. Again W-T-F!!!!!!!  I think the whole thing is I am ready and I want to be in a relationship with someone right now. 

And I’ll admit, I still think about FJB, though with much less frequency and intensity than I used to. When I’m brutally honest with myself I know things with him weren’t what I convinced myself they were.  He definitely wasn’t into me the way I was into him and with the exception of being in the bedroom, things weren’t effortless with him.  I always felt like I was on my toes dancing around to be witty and entertaining.  Somebody said to me the other day that if I could roll FJB, College Crush, and Twin into one, I just might have the perfect man for me.

Even Sawyer has crossed my mind lately.  We still talk off and on via email and he’s always wanting to see me but I never commit to seeing him.  His wife will be out of town for a weekend or two next month and he swears he wants to do an overnight thing.  It’s incredibly tempting because that’s a fantasy I’ve always had about him but it will be a serious setback I know.  He’s started talking more and more about leaving his wife but I will NEVER believe it unless I see it.  It’s hard to believe that is was this time last year when our flirting started getting really intense and we started speeding towards this crazy fractured relationship that we have now. 

Who knows where my mind is anymore. Maybe it’s just exhausted and worn out from Gwyn’s crazy 12 hour birthday party.  But I do know where it’s not.  If you say my Facebook update, Wooderson has been trying his best to get me to hook up and I’m so not interested in seeing him in a physical way again.  If he wanted to hang out (in public lol) I’d be up for it, but there’s no way I’m giving him a chance to get near my ass again.  HAHAHAHA!

Miranda