Nursing My Wounds

So yesterday I had a random IM conversation with FJB in which he told me he was finishing up prepping my router and it would be ready in short order.  It was kind of a WTF conversation because I wasn’t sure if he was trying to say he wanted to see me later or not.  I eventually just signed off the computer and then about an hour later he texted me and said it was ready and when did I want him to come over to install it.  Now I was clearly annoyed with him but I did want my router and damn it I did want to see him, so I said it’d either have to be that night or wait till the next weekend.  He suggested he come over about 7:30 and we could hang out for a while and he’d set it up.

So he came over looking hot as hell – for a freak engineer boy he knows how to dress -  and he got the thing set up and try as I might I couldn’t get a read on where his head was.  We hung out for a bit and then ended up getting a late dinner where we had awesome personal conversation and talked about a lot of shit we haven’t talked about before, and then he suggested to go to the dive bar here in town that he’s heard me talk about.  Note – this would be guy number three with me in this bar lol – Lawyer Boy and I frequented it and I’ve taken Flyboy there as well. 

We got there and laughed at all the crazy people there and FJB cornered us a pool table where we hung out and played pool doubles with a bunch of rednecks.  He was Mr. Social talking to people and joking around.  It was good to see him so relaxed and comfortable in his skin for a change.  Now this is where the liquor took over. My nerves were a bit shot from all this back and forth with him and my alter-drinking-ego took over and many a tequila shot was poured.  Magically though, I did “stop” myself before I’d gone way too far with the alcohol which almost never happens. Go Miranda!

We pretty much stayed until closing time and then we came back to my place and did the most random of all things – we played MarioKart on the Wii.  Yes, we were drunk driving Wii style.  I’m not sure what set it off but after we’d been playing for a while we were suddenly making out hard core.  I can’t quite remember what happened but I’m betting I probably got up to do something and came back and just straddled his lap and set things off.  We had mad, crazy, can’t even wait to get all our clothes off sex that was freaking awesome.  The kind of sex that included him picking me up off the couch mid-stroke and carrying me to my bed all while he was still inside me.  It was crazy hot!  Like amazing, hot, explosive, intense, calling his name, and feeling like I wanted to crawl under his skin and stay there for ever sex. 

Eventually we went to sleep somewhere around 5 am and slept for a few hours before I had to boot him out because Duckie was going to be here with Leo soon.  As we lay there waking up I realized that in the fun of the night before I never got up the balls to ask him just what the fuck was going on with us.  So I took a deep breath and started the conversation.  At first FJB was hedging and being his normal ambiguous self but finally he said he liked me but he thought we should try just being “friends” for a while.  W-T-F!  My initial reaction was really angry but I bit my tongue and just played nice.  He didn’t offer an explanation of why and I didn’t press for one because really, what was the point.  I think this friends shit is total BS but I don’t really know why he would say it. 

My instinct is that he likes me, maybe a lot, but I’m different from a lot of the girls he’s dated before - as in I have my shit together.  But I’m not going to try to chase him or convince him to change his mind.  Either he wants to be with me or not. That’s his choice. If he thinks he can find someone else out there better, good freaking luck.  We left things on a very friendly note and he gave me a huge hug when he left.

I don’t honestly know if I can be just “friends” with him because my emotions are involved but I’m willing to try.  I do know I can’t do the FWB thing with him because of those emotions.  I don’t think I can handle sleeping with him – though it’s so freaking good – without mind fuckery.  Fuck I’ll just be totally honest and say that I’m willing to try this “friends” thing in hopes that he’ll change his mind.  Fucking girl emotions!!!

So where that leaves me and FJB I don’t know. I figure I’m just going to act normal towards him.  Really that’s all I can do.  At least now I can play with my other boys and not worry about violating any trust issues with FJB. The problem is letting go of him enough so I can actually have feelings for someone else.  Damn it!

In other news, Hot Chocolate and I talked this afternoon and he’s quite smooth and hilarious.  All signs seem to be pointing way up with him.  I’m very intrigued and he seems very drama free and centered which would be refreshing for a change.  I’m heading into my next child-free week in a couple days so it’s time for Miranda to hit the town and I feel a multi-date challenge coming on.  I’m even going to try to squeeze in a hot sex session with Flyboy ASAP in order to eradicate the memories from last night with FJB. 

Buckle your seat belts boys - project “Squash Feelings for FJB” is in full effect.

Miranda

PS – And yes as predicted with an earlier post, this time it does hurt.