I Want The Fairytale

Well my week of power dating followed up by a Saturday night of reflection proved to be quite interesting. I definitely made good use of my alone time and have made some interesting discoveries.

1. I have been single for 27 weeks.
2. In 27 weeks, I’ve gone out on dates with 18 different guys.
3. If you add in random hang outs and hook ups that ups the number to 29 guys.
4. In total, I’ve been on 53 dates.
5. Lawyer Boy had the most dates with 12; then Motorcycle Man with 7; then FJB with 6; then IT with 5.
6. That’s an average of 1 date every 3.5 days.
7. Of the guys I’ve dated, I’ve had sex with 11 of them.

No freaking wonder I’m exhausted all the time! In all seriousness, those are some crazy statistics. I’ve dated everyone from a Lawyer to a UPS Driver to an Engineer to an Auto Body Technician to an IT Security Analyst. I’ve been hella busy!

What I know now is that I’ve dated a lot of guys because I just wanted to go out, to have something to do. But I also know that somewhere deep inside my hard crusty outer shell, I’m always hoping to find that spark, that connection, basically to find the fairytale.

And I also know that running around with all these guys is not the way I’m going to find my fairytale. While “power dating” as Gwyn calls it is fun and keeps me busy, I don’t ever have the time to focus on one guy and really get to know him and figure out how I’m feeling. More than once Jules has called me ADD when it comes to boys, and she’s spot on. I’ve noticed whoever is in front of me at the time tends to be the forerunner of Team Miranda.

I also know this change of mind has been building and it has fully taken hold in recent weeks with the reintroduction of FJB. The more I’ve thought about the type of attention most of the guys have given me the more I’ve realized it is ultimately not the attention I want.

Jules and I were talking about this just the other day when she spent the night with Clark and they didn’t have sex. When someone holds you like that and kisses you without it being a means to get in your pants, it changes things. It makes you feel special, loved, cherished. That feeling is incredible and I think what most of us unfaithful or divorcing people are searching for.

The nights I spent with FJB were amazing even with out the awesome sex that happened. The way he held me, touched me, had me lay my head on his chest while he played with my hair or kissed my forehead, those are the things that really made my emotions come into play. Those are the things that make me ache now. Falling asleep in someone’s arms, waking up as you feel them pull you closer or bury their face in your hair, feeling your breathing match the pace of the person you’re laying next to, that’s the fairytale I’m searching for. That’s the fairytale I hoped would continue with FJB. That’s why I can’t get him out of my mind or out of my heart right now.

Yesterday I had my last date of the “Project” and it was with Twin. He came to my place and we went out to dinner. It wasn’t anything special; it just felt comfortable and easy. Then because there’s not a whole lot to do on a Sunday evening we ended up just coming back to my apartment and hanging out watching crazy TV shows.

Now Twin is a southern gentleman through and through. We started out just sitting next to each other and then he put his arm around me. After a while he was brave enough to lean down and give me a very chaste and sweet kiss. He really treats me like a lady and that is so freaking nice for a change. Before long he was rubbing my feet (he has a mild foot fetish – like the fifth guy I’ve dated with one of those) and then we ended up eventually kind of spooning on the couch.

It was pretty freaking awesome I have to say (I can hear Gwyn groaning right now). There was some really passionate kissing that went on but all in all he “cherished” me. I know that sounds overly romantic and a little gag-worthy but I really don’t have a better word. Someone telling me I’m beautiful and touching my face and arms and legs, being totally innocent with their caresses, and just holding me with no expectation of sex is pretty freaking amazing.

I’m starting to think Gwyn’s got the right idea with keeping sex out of the relationship to make it so much easier. Now I’m not saying a little grinding didn’t go on or that no naughty parts got any attention but all that happened was honestly totally innocent in nature. Twin’s not the type to push for anything to happen at all and it really made me feel good.

So basically what I’m saying is that I’m changing and I’m going to do my best to attempt to change my behavior. I want the fairytale. I want to find my best friend. I want to find that person who I feel like I’m meant to be with. I want to find someone who is going to make me feel cherished and loved in every possible way.

I know it’s going to be hard to change and I fully expect some slips along the way. Hell I know if Flyboy calls I’m going to drop things and run to his bed. But I know I’m not really happy right now. I mean I’m “happy” but I am ready for a relationship. I’m ready to focus on one person and figure out what exactly there is between us. If I had a choice, that person would be FJB (stop retching in the trashcan please). I’m just being honest there. And if I thought I could somehow convince him to give me a real chance, I would. I just don’t know that that is even possible. At any rate, I’m going to stop looking for the hook up and start looking for the fairytale. I believe it’s out there; I just have to find it.

Miranda