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Friday, September 10, 2010

Emotionally Retarded

Let me say I’m EXHAUSTED! Being on, smiling, asking questions, jockeying around my schedule, it’s all too much for me right now. On top of this dating mayhem, I’m totally slammed at work and overwhelmed which certainly doesn’t do much for my mental health. Anyways, this week is tiresome for sure!

This crazy dating week started out funny at first and even sounded quite impressive when I shared it with my friends. By the way, I’m at 8 dates between 6 guys in 8 days – that’s the current status. But as I’m in it, I can’t help but feel that it’s way over the top. I know what I started it and I’m continuing with hopes it will work for its purpose, but it’s so crazy. I know none of these guys have “expectations” exactly about our relationships but it’s still kind of a weird thing to be doing to them. I mean if I take a long hard look at myself and put myself in their shoes, I don’t think I’d be too happy if the situation were reversed and I knew about it. Plus, I’ve said it before, but it’s easy to get a date with just about any guy. I hate to hear women bitch about how they never are asked out. But the reality is while it’s easy to get dates; if you’re dating for the right reasons (to find someone you really like and want to be with for a while); this Power Dating as Gwyn called it is not the right way to go about it.

This week of dating hell is NOT SERVING ITS PURPOSE! I still like FJB and wish he’s get his shit together. Yes, I’m busy and tired but I still find time to think about him. I still would rather be with him than some of these very nice guys (like Tiny Baby Head). I know, it’s going to take time. Don’t give me any of that rote advice. I’m just saying. I wanted instantaneous results, not matter how unrealistic that is.

But I am starting to learn some things about myself and facing up to some realities. I knew this a while back but I tend to massage my personality to fit my dates. I mean it’s only natural to do that to some point but the whole IT debacle taught me hard-core that I do it way to much in certain situations. So this week of dating I’m doing my best to be just me, not put on a show, or make my personality seem any different from normal.

I also had the inkling that I was ready to date one person and this week is certainly showing me that. While the dating and going out is fun, it feels good to just chill and hang out with someone. Despite the end result, the time I spent with FJB was much more fulfilling than anything else was this week. So while I still haven’t give up all hope on FJB (though any hope I have is in shreds and tatters and rapidly disintegrating) I’m trying to look at this guys with a longer term focus. I’m trying to find someone I feel comfortable with and that I can really relax with.

I’m also facing up to the reality that this power dating while it keeps my schedule full, it’s no way to really get to know someone or develop any feelings other than passing affection. Jules has said it before and it’s true – I’m ADD with these guys. Whichever one is in front of me is the one I like the most at that moment (disregarding Flyboy and FJB). I can’t focus any energy on one guy and feel any connection. I’m emotionally retarded right now.

DATE UPDATE
Last night after my work concert, which included the reintroduction of Braceface and H3, I invited Hot Chocolate over. He came more than willingly, we just lazed around and talked for a while, it was fun, and he was all hot and cute and stuff. Eventually we kissed and kissing turned to more. Side note – Hot Chocolate makes the same little “moans” that Nerd Boy did! LMFAO! His body is slamming, like crazy amazing. And the sex was so passionate and intense. Gwyn had told me that he’d be serious seductive and all about me and he sure as hell was. It was really great sex. And the contrast of his dark skin on mine was erotic as hell, not sure where that comes from but it was! When things were over, he was telling me how much he liked me and really, I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t invite him to stay the night and felt kind of bad for it but I needed a serious dose of me time.

I’ve been quite reflective today and thinking about how detached I feel from all these guys. I know it’s because I have no time to focus on any one of them but still it’s weird. And here’s Hot Chocolate, a seemingly awesome guy with no drama, and suddenly I’m all “eh” about him. I think part of the issue is that I’m not sure how much we really have in common and that concerns me. We are still going out tomorrow so we’ll see how we interact out of the afterschool setting and out of the bedroom. I rarely regret any of my sexual escapades but in light of my frame of mind today, I kind of wish I could take back last night.

At lunch today, I met up with the other Pof guy who works with my mom. Going in to it, I wasn’t sure if it was a date-date or a friends-date. And I wasn’t even very sure about how interested I was in this guy. Well it was a date-date and actually a really good one. I was somewhat shocked how good. He’s a really nice guy and much cuter in person (though a tad on the short side). He actually brought me a program from my Dad’s funeral that he found he still had in his jacket. That was incredibly thoughtful. And he followed all the good first date rules, asking questions, making good jokes, finding things we had in common to talk about. I was quite impressed. He’s a serious Christian, even said grace before we ate, which concerns me because obviously I’m a lax one, but at the same time, maybe he’d be a good influence? Clearly, I get myself in enough trouble as is HAHA. But seriously, I’m not ruling him out. He surprised me and I know I had started calming back down some after my summer of debauchery but I could easily slip back into party girl mode and I really don’t want to. Hell, my liver really doesn’t want me to!

Tonight I’m supposed to meet the other Pof guy who’s a builder for a late dinner and drinks. I actually really want to meet him because he’s quite entertaining and I like talking to him on the phone but I’m so freaking tired. We’ll see if I actually see him or if I end up rescheduling.

So that’s Miranda in a nutshell and this nutshell needs a serious emotional overhaul!

Miranda

4 comments:

  1. What's with using the word retarded? As the parent of a child with special needs I shake my head at people like you who think it okay to mock and demean people with special needs. Do you mock other groups or do you only think it's okay to mock those with mental retardation. Shame on you for not giving a seconds thought how your title and picture marginalizes people who happen to have been born with a lower IQ than yours. Why not pick on someone your own size?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I wasn't mocking or demeaning anyone. As a person who has had more than one family member with special needs, that would never be my intention. My use of the word merely was to show that my emotions were backwards and mixed up, not as a reference to anyone with any sort of disability.

    That being said, let's look at a couple definitions.

    From dictionary.com - Retarded
    –verb (used with object)- to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

    From urban dictionary.
    - emotionally retarded - ADJ used to describe someone who is incapable of understanding or communicating their true feelings or emotions.

    I could continue to argue the semantics of the definition I was using but clearly I've used the word appropriately and it certainly applies to my emotional state of late.

    As a parent of a child with special needs, I can see that the word would sound offensive but give me a break. Did I ever make any reference to anyone with special needs? Did I say I was acting like a person with special needs? Did I "pick on anyone" by using that word? I think not.

    If you've read this blog for any length of time you would have a good feel for who I am and how I think. I have yet to mock or demean anyone other than "men" in general and I'm betting you find that pretty fucking funny.

    This blog contains far more offensive words and topics. It's our diary of sorts where we can say whatever we want with no repercussions. We don't write things to be PC or pretty or socially appropriate. If that's what you are looking for, this blog is not for you.

    I suggest a big glass of wine and some alone time to chill out.

    Miranda

    ReplyDelete
  3. I wasn't mocking or demeaning anyone. As a person who has had more than one family member with special needs, that would never be my intention. My use of the word merely was to show that my emotions were backwards and mixed up, not as a reference to anyone with any sort of disability.

    That being said, let's look at a couple definitions.

    From dictionary.com - Retarded
    –verb (used with object)- to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

    From urban dictionary.
    - emotionally retarded - ADJ used to describe someone who is incapable of understanding or communicating their true feelings or emotions.

    I could continue to argue the semantics of the definition I was using but clearly I've used the word appropriately and it certainly applies to my emotional state of late.

    As a parent of a child with special needs, I can see that the word would sound offensive but give me a break. Did I ever make any reference to anyone with special needs? Did I say I was acting like a person with special needs? Did I "pick on anyone" by using that word? I think not.

    If you've read this blog for any length of time you would have a good feel for who I am and how I think. I have yet to mock or demean anyone other than "men" in general and I'm betting you find that pretty fucking funny.

    This blog contains far more offensive words and topics. It's our diary of sorts where we can say whatever we want with no repercussions. We don't write things to be PC or pretty or socially appropriate. If that's what you are looking for, this blog is not for you.

    I suggest a big glass of wine and some alone time to chill out.

    Miranda

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nowwww.....thats what i call " beaten hands down "....Next step: tail in between ur legs and run off!hehehehhe

    Thumbs up Mir!!



    Reds!

    ReplyDelete