OMFG, Men Are STUPID

Ok, not ALL men, but most of them are total idiots. I stand by my theory that men are all idiots until their 30th birthday. Something happens to men on this blessed day that makes them smart and thus able to interact with the rest of society...it's truly magical. I'm writing a thesis on it one day. Clark has 5 years to go and I'm not sure I can wait it out.

Obviously I'm pissy...it could have something to do with a scratch on my kitty and being mindFUCKed by my boys today with Clark being the leader of the mindfuckers. Call Websters...it's a new word. If "bootylicious" can make it in, I'm a shoe in.

Today started with a late night/early morning email from Owen confirming that he would be at my house around the 9:30am hour. Gavin called about 8:30am to see if I wanted to go to town with him. I almost went and my gut now tells me that clearly that would have been the best decision I could have made today...well, that and leaving my phone behind. I declined his offer and told him to call me otw back. As it turns out, we weren't able to see each other during the day with work and kids and life.

Owen came over and he'd told me to surprise him but I wasn't really prepared for him when he just walked into my house b/c he usually texts me to say 'I'm here' kind of things....not today. I did have a toy in my ass though and was mostly ready. We are in the heated midst of hard core fucking. I'm in doggy position for him with the toy in my ass (it's still TMI Tues. here in HI) and he reaches under me to pull my kitty apart...a new tactic for him btw, surely to never be repeated.  When he does this, his nail catches part of said kitty and scratches me hard enough that bleeding occurs (I find this out later.). He's hurt me twice now (totally by accident). Once he accidentally put his HUGE dick up my ass with NO warning or foreplay and I screamed a little and he stopped as soon as he realized wrong hole. Today, I screamed like a little girl when he scratched me and frankly it killed the mood for a moment. We ended up finishing very nicely, but it was a wtf kind of day with us. He also tripped out of my bathroom when we finished showering. There is a slight ledge, but it was funny all the same. I've done it, just not with a witness. We were not in our groove today.

After Owen leaves, Gavin calls about 30 minutes later. We talk some about his day and in the midst of this conversation references himself as my boyfriend. Um, dude....you HAVE a girlfriend. I text Miranda and ask if I should remind him of this fact. I seriously think he wants me to be his 2nd gf and he wants to be my bf. I don't even know what to say about that, so I won't. I will say that I find him funny and entertaining. He makes me laugh, a lot. He's the only one of the three that does this and humor goes a looooong way with me.

THEN around 12pm Clark texts me to tell me that he has his phone back. This was not a good thing. We proceeded to have about a 10 hour fight via text. Basically he's been an ass lately, like since Friday when he was so sweet. He's been snarky and grumpy. I've told him I don't expect him to always be in a good mood, god knows I'm not....but I also know when to stop human interaction. So Monday night we had talked about hooking up, but he wasn't in the mood at all and I told him I appreciated that he was self aware enough to know that he wasn't in the mood and that he could actually verbalize that he would probably start a fight if I did come. I chose not too and enjoyed an evening at home watching Larry the Cable Guy, laughing so hard I almost peed on my couch. I'm Southern...he's funny.

Anyway, Clark apparently didn't possess the same self restraint today and we had a huge text fight. I wanted many, many times during this to tell him go fuck himself, but I didn't b/c clearly I have some feelings for him. We talked somewhat candidly about how we feel about each other, though I was much more honest and told him I'm pretty much in love with him. He said he's definitely in this, but doesn't think I'll do the sexual stuff he wants and he foresees this as a problem down the road and that he's found someone that wants to be his slave. I recommended he go for that. He didn't take kindly to this recommendation, so that ensued a whole other fight. Finally I got that he really likes me and doesn't want me to be his "rebound girl". I suggested that he take the time to find her (though I did mention with his pattern I'll always be his rebound girl) and that maybe we should just take this back to a sexual relationship sans emotions. This pissed him off too...so I finally ended the day with saying I don't know what you want, but I suggest you take the time you're in CA next month to figure that out. There was so much more to the convo, but those are the "highlights". It was emotionally draining and I told Miranda I'm so busy rebuilding my wall right now that a gd brick layer couldn't keep up. I'm hurt...I'm drained...I'm emotionally exhausted...and I kind of love-hate him right now with an emphasis on the later.

Gavin called me back tonight to see if I could hang out. I would have loved too, but it just wasn't feasible. Of all the men in my life, Russell and Gavin were by far the "normal" ones in it today and that's saying something.  I get that Clark is scared and hesitant, but shall I remind everyone that he's the one that contacted me out of the clear blue? I didn't seek him out. I didn't ask for this. He worked SO hard to reel me back in and now he's working so hard to push me back. I may just let him. If I were truly the brass balled chick I think I am, I would tell him to fuck off and push Gavin on wtf he wants. I also discussed this with Miranda today. I like Gavin, but as I've said time and time again I don't really see us having a future mostly b/c of his completely ridiculous co-dependent relationship with his on again/off again gf. So if I lived up to my version of my self image, I would force him to chose. The problem is that I don't know that I want him to pick me, but I also don't know that I want him pick her. Clearly I have a HUGE clusterfuck on my hands...I'm praying for October to come so I can have some peace and know where things stand with Clark at least and can go from that standpoint.

After some awesome texting with Miranda, some angry rap music, a bag of peanut M&Ms, and a lot of wine tonight I'm back to Zen Jules. Things will unfold in the manner in which the universe wants them to and I have little control. I've decided that if Clark and I (or Gavin and I) are truly meant to be together, it will happen. If it doesn't, then we weren't meant to be. I've laid it out for Clark, the ball is in his court, game ON.

I truly miss the uncomplicated, easy sex. Owen and I still have it, yet I'm obviously a glutton for punishment and want something deeper on some level, but I don't know in the end if it's going to be worth the drama with the two current contenders. Can I have a mulligan on this? I think I'd really like a do-over today, but with all the info from the day that unfolded so poorly available for me to weigh.
-Jules