Saturday, September 4, 2010

I Had Sex With Tom Cruise

WTF Friday is about the best way to sum up yesterday. Let me say it one more time, WTF. I'm almost too traumatized to even share this story with you but it's too good and Miranda would kill me.

What started me down the road to crazy town was a text I got from The Barber about 9am yesterday, "I can't come see you until tmrw babe...R u mad at me?" I told him I wasn't mad more like frustrated and we had a brief text exchange that ended on a positive note. Now, the significance of this is that it motivated me to make other plans for the night, other plans that involved Undercover. Cue the Psycho music now.

So after making plans with Undercover to go see a reggae band at a bar downtown, I started having second thoughts. First of all, I hate reggae. Secondly, I had a nagging feeling that Undercover just wasn't right. You know how some people just give off a certain vibe and you can't put your finger on it but it makes you uncomfortable? This is the type of vibe I got from Undercover from the very start. For some reason, yesterday the feeling was stronger and I finally decided (with Miranda's help) that I wanted to cancel the date. Hell, I wanted to cancel the whole 'relationship' all together. That being said, I was also extremely curious to find out what really was going on with him. So, Miranda and I decided the best thing to do would be to tell him I was having second thoughts and that the whole Risperdal incident really freaked me out and that he needed to tell me what was going on if he expected me to be comfortable seeing him any longer. I did exactly that. What follows is our text exchange, please prepare yourself.....

Gwyn: I've been thinking and I don't think tonight is a good idea...I'm feeling confused about things and honestly the whole medication thing really threw me off...I feel like you're holding something back from me...I need you to tell me what's going on so that I can feel more comfortable about the situation
Undercover: I'll tell you everything.
10 minutes go by
Undercover: I'm trying to think of the best approach to take
An hour goes by
Undercover: I'm thinking not tonight.
Gwyn: Ok. But I think you could at least tell me something it's sort of rude and it's not really fair of you.
15 minutes go by
Undercover: The story of my life over the past two years may be the craziest thing you've every heard.
Gwyn: Ok.
15 minutes go by
The Barber calls, as we're talking the following 5 texts come through...
Undercover: When I was working for the Scientologists some crazy shit started happening...I was being followed in LA in my car and on foot...I was robbed 5 times in 6 months...
Undercover: They also played some crazy mind games too but I'd have to explain that...Looking back though, I'm not sure it was them...In hindsight I probably shouldn't have quit my job...I don't know what you read about the medicine but I know one thing is it's for schizophrenia and I don't have that...my doctor thinks I may be bi polar but I don't know...I've never had delusions or heard any voices so it's definitely not that...I may be more paranoid than the average person but I'm not schizophrenic...
Undercover: On top of that, a girl says she's pregnant with my baby.
Undercover: And I still talk to my Brazilian ex girlfriend.
15 minutes go by
Gwyn: Whoa. That's way too much for me to deal with. I don't think we should talk any more. I'm sorry you're going through so much.
Undercover: Yeah. Thanks.

Yes people, you read that right. I managed to find a Virgo, possibly schizophrenic, Scientologist with a potential baby mama and a thing for his ex. What I will say is that this experience reminded me that my intuition is almost always right and I shouldn't doubt myself so much. I knew something was up with this guy and I should have squashed it from the very beginning. Now everything makes sense. All he ever wanted to watch were shows about the solar system and aliens. Maybe he can name his disputed baby Xenu?

The night actually ended on a good note - The Barber spent the night, we had super amazing hot sex and I did my strip tease for him. He's coming over again tonight and I am a happy girl. I would share more details but honestly I'm kind of at a loss for words. Is this what Katie Holmes feels like?



  1. I sincerely feel bad for the guy, but HOLY SHIT I'm glad this came up now instead of later!

  2. I'm thinking much like the IT situation, you dodged a HUGE bullet. I wonder how much of his "story" is true and how much of it is the illness talking?

  3. It is crazy! To think I hung out with Gwyn's scientologist psedo-man


  4. That is fucking AWESOME!!!!

    Holy shit...what a catch!! Bat shit crazy bipolar Scientologist!!! An MOM wanted you to marry a DOCTOR....pu-shaw...how boring is that...

    Don't you wish they would lead with that shit, "Hi, my name is Bill and I want to wear your skin as a shirt....where are you going?"

  5. Discreteinaz - I've often thought that the whole 'Scarlet Letter' concept really wasn't that far off. I mean imagine how much time (and effort) I could have saved if he had a big old "M.U." (aka mentally unstable) pinned on his shirt....

    Maybe mom was right about that doctor after all.

    Jules - EXACTLY what I thought. I've been "IT'd"

    Miranda - how funny that the first time you and I met Undercover they were doing that church re-enactment at your pool and we got to see Jesus!! I so wish I could have been inside his head at that moment....


  6. It should have been a big red flag that the day you met Undercover Jesus was trying to save you!