Saturday, September 18, 2010

What the Hell! A Night of Random Firsts

So last night was another bar-tending gig at a work concert and what started out innocently enough turned in a seriously “what the hell” kind of night.

So the concert was fun and good and whatever.  Typical flirting with H3, fending off the advances of the old guys, and then I totally got cornered by a fatty who asked for my number!  Thankfully it was during a beer rush so I could just smile and move on.  Later he did come back and ask again and when he didn’t succeed in getting the number, he said he’ll see me the next two weeks and he’ll get it before the end.  Come on fat boy. You can try but you will fail!

Next up came this guy who is actually really cute; he looks just like Joseph Gordon Levitt, except for the fact that he’s got a long dyed blond rat tail!  Eeeek! Haven’t seen one of those in years. Anyways, he was talking and being friendly just hanging out with his girlfriend.  Then he asked what school I went to.  I laughed and said I know I look younger than my age but no way do you think I really got to school.  After I eventually told him my age, he had the balls to run the back of his hand down the side of my face and say, “You’ve got that magic touch,” all while his girl was standing three feet away.  I laughed it off but seriously who does shit like that!

Afterward, we headed to a nearby bar and when I walked in it was like an episode of Cheers. I heard a chorus of “Miranda!”  Like ¾ of the crowd were the very people I had been serving all night at the concert!  It worked in my favor though because my drinks were bought all night!  Everyone from a lesbian to a fat old dude was bringing me drinks – LOL! 

Now I was there with mine and Gwyn’s crazy friend and Cabana Boy (I’d orchestrated a date for them in hopes he’d transfer his clinger like tendencies from me to her).  After we ran Cabana Boy off we joined the table next to us and made friends.  There were two guys from Alabama, one local guy, and a girl from Alabama.  The Alabama boys were in town doing training at a local flooring manufacturer – the same freaking one that Sawyer works at!  I stopped myself just short of asking them if they knew him.

The local guy and the Alabama girl were cool people but the other two Alabama boys were so sleazy!  One I honestly can’t remember what he even looked like – he was just kind of nondescript and faceless.  The other was ½ bald and he kept putting on these mirrored aviation sunglasses like he thought he was cool.  My crazy friend was getting cozy with the faceless guy and the semi-baldie kept trying to talk to me and I was pretty much only giving him enough attention to buy me drinks.

Eventually we got tired of this bar and we started discussing where to go.  Somehow we decided to go to a strip club that’s right down the road.  Yep, classy!  Now this was my very first trip to a strip club and I got to admit, I was kind of excited to see what it was like inside one.  This one is actually pretty decent all in all.  The sleazy Alabama boys got a bunch of ones and we settled down at the bar for drinks and eye candy.

Now I had had A LOT to drink – I know big surprise there.  But for some reason I started cutting way back in my consumption. It’s like my warning radar was going off about these guys and I knew I needed to stay as clear headed as possible after oh 6-7 beers, two shots of tequila, one buttery nipple shot, a Washington apple shot, and a shot of Jagermeister.  (Be impressed – I’m a girl who can drink right along with the best of the boys. It was a skill I developed in college and I’m glad to say is full force back.  Even better is the fact that I can drink like that and pop up the next day without a hangover!) 

Things get a little hazy during this time but I do remember the crazy friend talking to the Alabama boys about her experience with being a lesbian for a short while.  Next thing I knew, she shoved her tongue in my mouth and she was kissing me!  I don’t know if she was showing off her lesbian skills or just being wild but it shocked the hell out of me.  There goes my perfect record for no girl on girl experiences!  In retrospect I realize she’d been kissing Cabana Boy and then the faceless Alabama guy – I seriously need to invest in a WHOLE LOT of Scope!    There was lots of picture taking and laughing and lord knows what else but I do remember a stripper yelling at us for taking pictures inside the strip club.

Speaking of the strip club, it was quite interesting.  I was fascinated by the girls dancing in those hella crazy stripper shoes.  They’ve got some killer balance.  These girls were really quite attractive so that was a surprise and none of them seemed to have fake boobs – something I had not expected at all.  I have to say I wasn’t all that impressed with the dancing. It seemed like a lot of gyrating and imaginary sexing.

I will say that I thought the guys in there were pretty pathetic.  I mean I don’t have a problem with strip clubs at all. And I get the appeal of seeing a hot girl dance around and of course the appeal of lap dances.  But I don’t get why guys want to come to the end of the stage and stand there with their hands behind their back and have the girl dance up close to them for a few minutes. It just seems freakishly weird to me and I watched guy after guy after guy do just that. 

Eventually the Alabama boys asked us to go back to their hotel to “party” and I agreed to drive them to their hotel but no way in hell was I going upstairs with this sketchy guys.  We got to their hotel and the crazy friend was in the back seat with the faceless guy and he was trying to get her out of the car and she asked me what she should do. I channeled Gwyn and told her to get in the front seat with me quite forcefully.  Thankfully she complied quite willingly.  The faceless guy tried to give me some attitude about being a cock blocker but I gave him a withering stare Jules would have applauded and just drove off.

The crazy friend was way too inebriated to drive so I just took her home with me.  On the way we stopped to grab a late night meal and I turned in too close to the wall of the drive through and I freaking tore up my driver side mirror.  Damn!  We made it home, grubbed on some greasy burgers and then both crawled in my bed.  I will admit that when I first lay down in bed I wondered if she was going to try to bust a move given her earlier kissing thing.  HAHAHAHA! 

3.5 hours later I was up and headed for work.   What a night of firsts!  First buttery nipple shot, first Jagermeister shot, first trip to a strip club, first kiss from a girl, first time I can ever remember actually making a conscious decision to stop drinking in the midst of a drunk fest, and first time I’ve ever brought a girl home with me – LMFAO.

Just another day in the life of Miranda



  1. I love this post from your fascination with the shoes to the a "withering stare Jules would have applauded"!

  2. HOLY CRAP I can't believe I missed the girl on girl kissing part of this post! LMAO!