I'm laying here wide awake at 12am because I'm a bad girl. I have been behaving in an irresponsible manner and it's time to stop. I mean it this time...seriously. I made a promise to Clark (well, you guys can see from the last few posts that I suck at keeping promises), that I would stop partying with Gavin and yet tonight that's exactly what I did. It wasn't overly fun, we didn't do anything but lay around and watch porn as neither of us is really into sex when we are partying, so what's the freaking point? Plus even though I know I won't get caught, the guilt isn't worth it. I'm over it...now whether I'm over Gavin remains to be seen. I enjoyed hanging out with him last night (yes, I saw him both Saturday and Sunday nights), but since I was feeling guilty about seeing him in general all I did was provide him oral pleasure.
Clark is really fucking with my emotions and my mind right now. Being with him is a risky proposition for me because it means making changes to my current lifestyle and putting myself out there. I'm not a fan of putting myself out there, but I also don't want to pass up what could be a very wonderful relationship because I lack emotional maturity. I'm afraid to end things with Owen and with Gavin in case things don't work out with Clark, although I imagine both would jump at the chance to come back if things didn't.
It feels like it's time for ME to piss or get off the pot now. I know Gavin isn't good for me. I know Owen isn't going to develop into anything (nor do I want it too). I guess my choice should be evident, if I had greater emotional maturity and the ability to say no to the other two. I am definitely over the partying though. I'm too old for this shit and I've got too much at stake.