I woke up this morning at 6:15am to Clark texting me. It seems he wanted to continue our discussion from yesterday and we did for another 7 1/2 hours via text until my phone died. I told Miranda that mere nanoseconds before I was to the point of telling him where to go and what to do with himself once he got there, he told me he loves me. Of course, I’m taking this with a grain of salt. She said love is a 4 letter word…lol.
In the midst of our conversation, he tells me that he’s going out with someone on Saturday. Now if I were a normal person this would have really set me off, but since I’m still seeing Owen and Gavin I was like “ok, whatever…”. This prompted a big long conversation about me not seeming to want him enough that I’m not jealous and don’t want to “fight to win” him. I really laid it out at this point and told him that if he decides he wants a healthy, loving, nurturing relationship in which what I have to offer him is enough (b/c we are having some major fights over his sexual desires again) then great, but if not then he needs to move on…now.
I do not have a good feeling about this. I think Gwyn and Josie are probably right on, but some part of me feels the desire to stick it out at least until he leaves at the end of the month to see if it improves. I just don’t think it should already be this hard. I don’t want to be with someone where I’m constantly having to play games or be tested or involved in a bunch of drama. The only reasons I’m staying at this point are 1. I do have feelings for him. and 2. I don’t think he’s ever been in or seen a healthy relationship, so I don’t think he knows how to act. I also know that relationships are hard, especially when both people are getting out of crappy ones. We each have some baggage…it just seems his requires several luggage racks while mine really can be carried on.
Meanwhile, Gavin just called me at work right before my phone died. He literally calls me like everyday at least once now. There is a huge part of me that just wants to give up this whole Clark thing and just go back to hanging out with him (obviously becoming his 2nd gf…lmao) because it’s easy, comfortable, and mostly uncomplicated. Gavin and Owen really were meeting my needs perfectly. This 3rd factor is becoming a problem, yet if I can get through the crap he may be worth it in the end. I just wonder if my sanity will remain in tact until the end.
As it stands right now, I’m going to see Clark tonight. Part II to follow…
PART II approximately 7 hours later....
Sometime after my phone died I started thinking wtf? Why am I having a several day long fight with a guy I've been seeing again for just around a month? Is this not supposed to be the honeymoon phase? It was until Sunday and then something flipped. We've been pretty much fighting since then. Well, mostly just ALL day Tuesday and today.
Clark has issues, as you can see from the previous post. Hell, we all have issues but his are pretty big. He's got a lot of sexual stuff that I just can't and won't deal with and apparently even though he knows this about me from our previous fling, it's problematic yet again. After work, I got in my car to plug my phone in and after listening to 3 voice mails from Gavin I realized that I really don't like Clark very much right now. I have feelings for him, but I don't like him. If you're a guy, you probably don't get that statement. When I heard Gavin's deep sexy voice, I smiled listening to all of his voice mails. He was clearly dying to talk to me and yet understood I was at work and unavailable. One of them actually said, "Wow, you must be really busy helping a lot of people today." because he knows I do social work stuff and actually really respects my profession. On the other hand, Clark cussed me out the other day b/c he thought I was ignoring him...seriously.
Around 4:30pm Hawaii time after some therapeutic texting with Miranda, I recovered myself from the "Clark Haze". I sent him a text saying that pretty much that I couldn't do this anymore...I have to be with someone I feel respects me...I wished him well in his search for the perfect woman b/c clearly in his eyes that's not me. He sent back something like "Wow...wtf...ok fine...bye". We sent a few more back and forth and then he just shut down. Miranda suspects this is not the end...I think it is for at least another year or so. I guess we'll see. I need it be the end. I need him to just walk away.
Gavin called me on the way home from school tonight. I swear he's got the best timing in life. We talked for a little while. He really wanted to see me, but my house was full as was his. He did tell me that he thinks he's finally found a place literally right down the road from here and it would just be him. When I told him how hungry I was and how pissed I was at Russell for not saving me some dinner, he offered to bring me a plate. He's going to make an excellent bf...lmao. Clearly I'm conflicted about him as well, but for now it's what I need. Although I think I've been saying this about him now for what 6, 7 months?
I came home in a bad ass mood. Russell was an irresponsible ass tonight. I come home at 9pm, my kid wasn't bathed, she was halfway through watching a gd Harry Potter movie on a school night, and there are dishes all over the kitchen in the house I just busted my ass to clean yesterday. I know I'm projecting some of my anger from Clark onto him, but c'mon....grow the fuck up and be a responsible parent please. Don't make me the bad guy because I enforce the rules.
Ok...I'm finished for the day. It's wine time and I'm letting it go now as I fall asleep and drown myself in school work tomorrow sans boys.