Crushing a Crush

So I may have accidently crushed College Crush’s crush Sunday. Finally, after much delay and jockeying around for position we talked last night. Basically he said he was upset by my behavior between me telling him we were not really “dating” via text (I don’t remember saying it exactly that way but who knows) and then my disappearing (when my phone died the first time) after telling him I was hanging out with a bunch of guys by the pool. Then by my reappearing sometime later and telling him I was hanging out with the guys again and doing the recreational activity stuff and disappearing again (when my phone died the second time).

He said every time he has ever done that stuff with a girl it has ended up going somewhere it shouldn’t and that he knows way too many guys whose whole MO is getting girls drunk and high and then taking advantage of them. He said between all that yesterday he felt like I was throwing it in his face that I was hanging out with a guy or guys other than him and that I didn’t care about his feelings. He said if the situation were reversed, I’d have reacted the same way. And though I’m annoyed by all this drama, I have to admit he’s right.

Weirdly, I thought I was just being open and honest Sunday with him telling him, what I was doing and who I was doing it with. Letting him know it was all good but I guess it came across all wrong. Despite my reluctance to admit it, I can totally see his point of view and how things on Sunday could have been totally misconstrued. He also noted that there have been a couple times in the past when we’ve been texting and I’ve said stuff flippantly that have made him wonder just exactly why I would say that stuff to him. I guess maybe in my attempt to be as transparent as possible I’ve blurred that friend/dating line some with him.

It’s hard because we’re not exactly “dating” due to distance but we’re way more than friends. I don’t know. Now I feel bad because I hurt his feelings and have caused all this unnecessary drama and potentially broke things down between us. I told Jules last night as I sat on the couch and contemplated all this that I can’t quite figure out if I’m upset because I hurt a good friend’s feelings or if I’m upset because I like “like” him. I guess that’s the problem with keeping myself in this whole limbo state and juggling boys.

So I don’t know what’s going to happen with him. Overall, it was really a civil conversation and after we were done, we ended up texting for a while longer while we were both lying in bed. I think a big part of the problem is he realized maybe he was in deeper than I was and now he’s evaluating if it’s worth it. He did tell me he wanted me to text him today, unlike yesterday when he wanted no contact. We shall see how the day proceeds and I guess I need to figure out what exactly I want from College Crush.

Despite all my boy jugging, I really don’t want to play with anyone’s emotions and I do try to tell the truth about my activities as much as possible, not that I always meet that goal.

And even more shitty is that this is not the first time I've heard I'm careless with my words and how the affect the men in my life. Duckie told me more than once that I unconsciously threw out barbs that hurt and didn't think about what I was saying to him. Clearly I have a pattern here I need to work on.

In other random news, Motorcycle Man randomly messaged me through POF. He said he loved my new pictures and wanted me to call him. I did call him last night and he’s the same old Motorcycle Man. He wants to hang out next week and I told him we could. Even FJB despite his weirdness still posts stuff on my Facebook page. And Sawyer is working hard to try to get me to meet him for a little quality time, which I’m not – regardless of the potential STD. I’m committed to not going back down that path again.

These boys are like boomerangs, you throw them away, and they keep coming back.

Miranda