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Thursday, July 22, 2010

Antelopes and Lions

I was driving home from work today and texting with Canada intermittently and talking to Miranda on the telephone and pondering exactly why I have commitment issues. I mean I know that I'm getting out of a decade long relationship and now is NOT the time for me to be jumping into some other type of committed relationship, but what exactly is my issue? Then, it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. Once a man shows me his weakness (which for me is telling me ALL of your feelings for me in the first 2 weeks or less after we meet - Hungarian, Canada), I'm over it. You are no longer attractive to me if I find you weak. I like men that keep me guessing and by this appear strong and in control of themselves. I mean I want to know that you're into me, but I do NOT want to know every single fucking time you think about me all day long. Russell was like that for a long time. I knew we loved each other in the friendship sense and then we sort of morphed into our relationship, but he was never super sappy, romantic, over the top expressing his emotional shit and I've appreciated that. He would certainly tell me that he loved me every day and was very thoughtful with gestures, so I didn't wonder but I also didn't have to listen to him process every thought either.
Initially I had agreed to have Canada come over tonight, but as the day loomed and I continued to get multiple texts from him I started rethinking this and really deciding that I just wasn't in the mood. I've got PMS this week, but on top of it I started subbing other guys in his place in my mind and I would have totally liked for some of them to show up tonight instead of him. Finally, he asked the question of whether I needed some more time and I said I did. I told him that everything he said yesterday overwhelmed the crap out of me and that I needed some more time to process and see if I can get past this. He's been giving me this whole song and dance routine tonight about how he thought he had to express those feelings to get me to be into him and that sex without attachment is a new concept for him, one that he likes very much and now that he understands the rules is totally willing to play by them and put his feelings aside. I'm not really buying it and I think it's a matter of time before I have to have this convo with him yet again. So, do I cut him loose now and move on or do I wait to see if he really can do it? He's pretty great in bed (although not hung like I like) and readily available anytime I want some. I like that aspect and he's close by, but my god is it worth the bullshit?! I mean I can buy myself a glass toy.
I'm currently looking forward to my date at Andy 26's house tomorrow night for sushi and sex. He just got out of relationship, so I hope that when he says he doesn't want another one right now, that he really means it. I also hope that he doesn't decide to jump right back into it after the sting of her cheating goes away (Gavin). I find him super hot, he can carry on a conversation,  and he sort of took me that first night. I like a guy that controls me like that in bed...again because I equate that with a strong personality. His only flaw right now is his age, but I can get over that easier than I can some guy telling me how I breathe in conjunction with the tide.
-Jules

9 comments:

  1. I don't consider it a weakness for a guy to tell me how much he's into me, emotionally. In fact, because I don't think the outside of me (my appearance) is as good as what is inside of me (my intelligence and self), I like a man to appreciate me in a way that acknowledges more than just my body. To know that the inner part of me draws him just as much as my body (which will eventually fail) is much more of a turn on for me. But that thing about the breathing and the waves... that's creepy. LOL

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  2. OMG Jules, that is so my issue too! I cannot stand to see any sign of 'weakness' in a man, it makes me completely lose interest.

    My friends tease me all the time because they say I think every man is gay if he isn't carrying a AK-47 and asking where the weight room is. I think it comes from my desire to be protected by a man and if a robber breaks in the house I don't need some guy to run downstairs and read him a poem.

    -Gwyn

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  3. I think this is my issue too. In a lot of ways I end up with the antelopes because then I feel in control and like I have more power in the situation. But, the enjoyment of that position wears off quickly. I like the lion to be in control. I think this is why I kept going back to Sawyer time and time again. He was definitely a lion. Something to think about for sure. And WTF where did the whole Antelopes & Lions cone from?

    Miranda

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  4. I am the Lion, obviously and the boys are the antelopes. I pick them off as a lion does hunting for herself and her cubs. ROFL...I don't know I wanted an animal kingdom reference.
    Short girl, I understand that I am NOT like most women in this regard. I like being in control (clearly), but I also want a man that is a little stronger than I am with regards to his emotional output and as Gwyn said willingness to "protect" me should someone try to break into my house. If anyone breaks in now, I'll be protecting Russell!
    -Jules

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  5. LOL My man is more "Austin Powers" than "James Bond", but that's the way I like 'em! LMAO He's not gay though and I know he'd take a bullet for me so I feel as protected as I need to feel :) I think that's why you go for guys like that though- you want your man to be the total opposite of Russell. I totally get that-everyone who knows him can vouch for it that my hubbs is the TOTAL opposite of Brian. Uuggggghhhh. LOL
    PS I hate the red background, the letters need to be white or something.

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  6. I'm a new reader, but thoroughly enjoy reading your blog (and Adam's too, too bad he hasn't written lately). I completely identify with your personality and what you look for in a man. Mystery, a little aloofness, mixed with a lil' old-fashioned protector instinct, and emotional maturity is a lethal combination in my book! Is that the appeal of affairs with married men? They're not too available, they're secure, and the level of danger and risk makes them difficult to resist?

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  7. Welcome dharmachic! You hit the nail on the head with Jules. That's exactly why she likes attached guys!

    Miranda

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  8. @Miranda - oh honey, I've been there. Is it strange for me to think that logically speaking, the chances of finding one single person who can fulfill all your needs (including sexual) and for an extended period of time is a wholly unrealistic expectation? Maybe that's why they say one "settles" for marriage...

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  9. I'm personally never "settling" for marriage again...yuck. That is exactly the appeal of married men that you discussed dharmachic, but I worry about my karma continuing to fuck married men. It just seems like I'm putting a lot of shit out into the universe that's bad mojo. So, for now I struggle with what to do!
    -Jules

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