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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Patient Zero - Updated 10:45 pm - We have a potential candidate!

Fuck me. No wait, don't. I have chlaymidia.  Heard from the doctor and my results are positive.  This is what I get for being slack about safe sex. Never again my friends, never again.  So now I've had an afternoon and evening of fun filled phone calls.

Despite my levity about the scripted phone call, this really sucks and I feel really bad.  Hopefully they will take the news as well as I took it from Cabana Boy.

The one I've been most worried about telling is Sawyer. Given his penchant for playing games with my head and the fact that oh, he's married, it could be the worst of all.  I actually sent him an email right after the doctor called and I stopped pounding the trunk of my car and repeatedly saying the word "Fuck" as Gwyn laughed at me.  He immediately called me with his worst fear being that our affair had been discovered.  When I told him, he actually took it in great spirits all things considered.  He's going to go get tested and he swears he hasn't had sex with the wife since before he and I started our relationship so seems that all might just be ok there.

Loco Soco is next on the list and I just texted him and told him to call me.  He's tried and tried to get me to tell him via text. I didn't want to but I eventually gave in after he claimed he didn't even have two minutes to talk.  My initial answer to that was, "Well call me whenever you find time and don't have sex with anyone until we talk." LOL.  When I finally told him, he seemed to take it just fine. No big deal and he's going to go to the doctor asap.

I sent the Giant an email because he is still overseas.  The email said something to the effect of, "Hey. Happy early Birthday.  Hope you're safe and sound. Get in touch with me via cell or email ASAP. I have something we need to discuss."  Yep, his birthday is next week. This is one hell of a birthday present to give someone.  The Giant called me this evening and turns out before he was sent overseas he was checked and he was clean! He was super sweet about everything too.

I wanted to call Motorcycle Man this afternoon but somehow shouting out "I have an STD and you may too" while he drives down the road with is windows open in his UPS truck just didn't seem the gentlest way to break the news.  I talked to him this evening and told him I was pretty sure it was after him but that he might want to get checked.  He was just fine about everything though he did feel compelled to lecture me about safe sex and how I'm a pretty girl who is too smart to sleep around. LOL.  I had to point out that he didn't offer to put on a condom and asked if he was going to listen to his own advice.  He laughed and said probably not because he hates condoms. He also said I should get "cleaned up" and only have sex with him in the future. That I could date as many guys as I wanted as long as he was my only sexual partner.  Hilarious!

So looking at my flowchart of sexual partners, it pretty much narrows it down to none other than ..... LAWYER BOY!  Not 100% but pretty damn definite. I know.  I can't believe it either. I guess it's true, all lawyers really are dirty.

Despite my earlier intentions of holding back the information from Lawyer Boy I feel compelled to tell him sooner rather than later. So I sent his ADD self a text saying that I hoped he was feeling ready for the Bar next week and to please call me ASAP because I had something important to tell him.  Knowing him, I'll have to call/text him a hundred times before I actually speak to him.  I also left him a message this evening saying I received some "surprising" news from the DR today that he should know.  I'm going to give him another 24 hours and then I may show up on his doorstep and a fake pregnancy test lol.

College Crush and Flyboy are in the clear because we've always used protection so the plan is not to tell them anything for now.  I'm asking everyone to let me know if they are infected or not. That should help confirm my suspicions that it's the Dirty Lawyer Boy.

I keep apologizing to these people but it's really not my fault. I mean it's not like they were trying to put on a condom and I yanked it off. Still this is annoying and mildly entertaining which tells you just how sick and twisted my sense of humor is.  I will say I've been greatly impressed by the good spirits all the team has taken the news in.  Despite their many individual flaws, they are all really nice guys.  Thank God for Jules and Gwyn who have kept me laughing about this.

Fuck me (with a condom).

Miranda

PS - Incidentally, there is an online resource where you can send anonymous (or identified) e-cards telling people they need to get tested for an STD.  Crazy and funny but who would think it was for real if they received one?  Check it out at http://www.inspot.org.  This is my favorite...

6 comments:

  1. Oh noes, not Lawyer Boy! Awww, don't be spreading your infection to the good ones! LOL

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  2. LOL hell it might have come from him. You'd think in this day and age there'd be some way to pinpoint when the infection happened. Sure would make things a hell of a lot easier at this point.

    Miranda

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  3. If it makes you feel any better my roommate has bed bugs all in her room.

    Did I mention her room is in the house that I own and is about 25 feet from my room? Did I mention bed bugs are pretty much invisible and extremely hard to get rid of? Did I mention that if they have spread I'm going to have a nervous breakdown?

    I would give my first born child to be able to get rid of those bed bugs with a simple 7 day antibiotic...............lol

    -Gwyn

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  4. ewww bed bugs!!! Yeah, way worse. I'm NEVER coming to your house. LOL Of course I am also not ever sleeping with Miranda. And you can count on that! LOL

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  5. Well if it makes anyone else feel better, I'll own my shit too. I had chlamydia at 16, along with gonorrhea. Fortunately, antibiotics and a shot cleared it all up but it has made me be the safety girl that I am today! Furthermore, Chloe just had a horrible case of lice a few months ago. It took me almost a solid month and a half to get rid of it all (the lice that is). Luckily I contained it inside her bedroom and didn't catch it too!
    -Jules

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  6. OMG if it is Lawyer Boy I will be crushed! Waaaaaa! But I bet it is. Damn dirty lawyers! LOL Anyway, if you aren't too weirded out there are also femi-doms (female condoms) which feels WAAAAAAY better for both parties, and actually is more protection. The drawback is that it looks insanely awkward and you have to insert it in yourself which isn't that sexy LOL

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