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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Space

I'm taking a little much needed space right now and reflecting. Miranda's Manifesto got me thinking and I guess I'm in the end of year reflection period most people go through.  Am I happy? Yes, I'm pretty happy but I'm also a little restless. I remember thinking when I moved here how I wanted one of those hot surfer guys I saw on the beach. Well, the universe landed me two of them...both attached. I suppose I should have been more specific in my requests. That being said, I'm also not at a point where I want a boyfriend per say either so maybe the universe gave me what I needed at the time.

I'm perfectly content with the Owen situation, other than the fact that I'd like to see him more frequently. The Gavin situation is another ball of wax though. Obviously it's causing me to ponder and I'm not sure why because I kind of dig the arrangement on a lot of levels. I think I'm apprehensive about it's potential to change though and if it heads in that direction, do I want to continue it? Here's the possible change component. Allegedly (and I'll believe it when the bitch leaves with a one way ticket), the gf is moving to CA soon. She's sending her son (rather his father paid for a one way ticket for him) at the end of the week. Supposedly, she's following him the next week.

Regardless of whether or not this happens, I've pulled back from him a lot since the latest porn-high round. I realized that while I really like him, I want/deserve more as well. He's got a load of potential, but we all know we can't change them. He's been acting strangely lately too. He senses my withdrawal, but has not revisited the conversation we had last week about me ignoring him when he came over the other night all high. I think he gets it. I've also been really busy the last 2 weeks and not home much. We haven't done anything sexual in a week and a half. Yesterday, he showed up at the beach where I was laying out and took me to lunch. Later, he came over to the house for dinner with Chloe and I and hung out. He was super hungover after drinking himself into a coma the night before and decided to go home and pass out. He had to put his dog to sleep this weekend and he's pretty down about it.

So universe, what's next? If the gf was truly gone and he cleaned up the substance use, I could see myself with him on some level I think. I guess we'll see how the next month plays itself out. Meanwhile, I'm still chatting with Penn some, but he's working 2 jobs and is super busy himself. The Hungarian asked me to dinner tomorrow night and I'm entertaining it. He's a nice guy, but definitely not someone I see myself with at all. It's probably because he's a nice guy. No, it's actually because he told me he wanted me to be his gf after like 3 dates this spring. Clark IMed me yesterday to tell me that his slave leaves January 6th. I asked when he leaves, but he ignored the question.
-Jules

PS No sooner than I hit send, Gavin showed up to drop some stuff off before work. I realized I am a little weak for him. Because I started my period today, I wasn't feeling sex at all (and it's probably what prompted this post as well), but I did take care of his needs (with no porn I might add). I guess it's good to throw them one every now and again and it still establishes my need for space right now because he doesn't know that I started and it's not like me to just do that with no expectations in return.

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