For Whom the Bell Tolls

The other night I texted Peabody and told him I needed to pick up some stuff from his house (just make up but that stuff is expensive!).  He said he’d leave it on the porch in a less than nice manner. 

I went Monday afternoon and picked it up.  Thank heavens he wasn’t there; I felt nauseated the whole way just thinking about having to confront him.

Tuesday morning I got a text from him saying that this was not what he wanted and he didn’t want to lose me.  I again told him we were at an impasse and wanted different things and then he called me and for all intents and purposes begged for a second, scratch that, third chance.  He said he’d work on all his issues and he realized how selfish he’s been and that he was committed to making things different if I’d just give him the chance.  I told him saying you’ll do something and doing it are two very different things.

Later Tuesday at work I had a delivery.  Flowers.  First time he’s ever sent me flowers (he’s brought them to me twice but this was the first real delivery).  I spent the rest of the day awkwardly answering questions about them and telling my team we’d broken up.  Felt like repeated being poked with a hot poker. 

My emotions are very torn.  Part of me is really sad that it took breaking things down to this level to get the response I wanted out of him and part of me is raging mad that it took breaking things down to this level to get that response.  This is ridiculous.

I know myself well enough to know that even if I was going to give him a third chance, which I’m not, it would be doomed. I have so much resentment and frustration built up in me that I’d question everything he was doing and constantly be “testing” him which wouldn’t be fair to anyone. 

Relationships really suck sometimes.