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Friday, December 9, 2011

Stages of Change

Depending on who you talk to, there are several levels of this but the big 4 are pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, and action. While I have made some HUGE life choices lately, I'm still falling pretty squarely into the preparation phase. November was hard core housekeeping month. I am an enabler. I find tough love very hard, so I usually avoid it. But last month,  I rid my life of the addicts that were in it.

I finally got rid of Gavin. I was even aware enough at the time to do it in a manner that I knew would make it a point of no return. By telling his gf about us and by telling Russell about his cocaine use (and mine with him), I firmed up my decision to leave him by making him angry at me and by making sure that Russell knew the deal so that if I did relapse and miss him, I had a fail safe in that I know he would flip and totally question my ability to parent Chloe while having someone like him in my life. I knew what I was doing when I did it and I'm glad I did.

Even though I am VERY FIRM in my decision to NEVER, EVER re-engage with Gavin on any level, I have found myself missing his friendship. He was a really big part of my life for a year and a half and I miss that. I do not miss him using and all the other horrible behaviors that went along with that. I do not miss living in fear that Russell would know he was using here and take Chloe from me. I do not miss how he would manipulate me, but I do miss how he treated me when he wasn't using. I miss the attention. I miss talking to him. He was an idiot, but for whatever reason we could talk forever and I miss that. I'm NOT going back but I'm just saying that I'm thankful I put the measures in place that I did. I'm contemplating now what to do with his stuff here. I want him to come get it, but I don't want to contact him. I'm not going to throw it out, but I wish it would all just magically disappear one day.

The other addict I got rid of was my Dad. Thanksgiving night was a horrible, horrible display of behavior on his part and he scared the shit out of me. I will never, ever let Chloe see him act like that again and I basically told him that until he gets treatment, I have nothing to say to him and I don't want to see him. I let her go over one time for about 10 minutes before we left NC and tell him goodbye. He texted my mom that night asking about meeting us at the airport because he thinks he's going to die before we come back and he didn't want me to live with this decision. I mean can you stand that addict way of thinking?? I can't! I told my mom that my conscious was just fine and not to reply. He has totally destroyed our family and I'm over it. I'm not going to continue enabling his use. If he's going to continue to use, fine...but he will be alone. That's super hard for me. I worshiped the ground that man walked on for many, many years, but I have found myself  questioning why he lived if this is how he's going to live his life. My mom said maybe his miracle was meant for us and not him. She said him living through overdosing has taught her patience and to stand up for herself. I guess it's teaching me about tough love, but I could have lived without this life lesson...just saying. Anyway, I'm totally wavering on what to about Christmas. I feel like I should send him a gift, but that seems to just be me reaching out yet again...so I'm going to maintain no contact. It's going to suck.

On the other hand, we have Owen. I let him come back because the sex is just so damn earth shattering and we've established Jules has some sex addict issues. He's been super up my ass lately, texting me all the time, and honestly filling some of the attention space vacated by Gavin but I'm still very aware of how unhealthy this relationship is for me. I met him yesterday and had mind blowing sex, but I'm a little tired of fucking him in his van. I think the excitement of that has finally worn off after all this time. My house has not been free lately and so it's been our only option, but I think I'm finally at the point of being tired of being the other woman. It's actually less about the location of where I'm seeing him and more about being tired of not being able to see him when I want to and in normal situations. Make no mistake, I'm not saying I wish he were my bf or anything. I'm not in love with him and I don't pine for him to leave. I actually hope he stays, but I'm just saying for me I'm almost to the point of ending things with him because I want more than just this. I just can't imagine walking away from this sex though. It really is THAT good. Hence, why I remain firmly in preparation and maybe even contemplation phase with him and not action.
-Jules

2 comments:

  1. It's very interesting to see you being the analytical one for a change ;)

    Miranda

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  2. Lol, I have my moments. This whole deal has made me think a lot about wtf is going on in my life and how I've kinda let things spiral. I'm getting it back together right now though, slowly but surely.
    -Jules

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