Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Holiday Fail Times Two

It’s a good damn thing I have a sense of humor because I’ve had two epic dating fails this week.

First up was a very nice and fun guy I’d been talking to via text and phone.  I was on the fence about him since he wasn’t officially divorced yet but I was giving him a potential by based on his behavior.  The pictures I saw on his profile were either action shots or shots with him wearing sunglasses.  As the week went along, we sent each other a few “real time” shots but again they generally were sunglasses shots.  Come to Friday, I sent him a pic and he returned the favor.  The good news is he wasn’t wearing sunglasses; the bad news is he was so not attractive.  SO NOT ATTRACTIVE.  I choked when I saw it.  Immediately closed my phone. Then opened it back up thinking surely I’d seen wrong.  Nope, still ugly.  I forwarded it to my email because surely things will look better on the computer.  Nope, even uglier.  I’ve pretty much stopped responding to his text and he’s definitely taken the hint. Next please!

The next epic fail happened on this lovely Christmas Eve.  If you follow me on Twitter I threw out a couple hints about a hot, rich Irish guy who I’d been texting/talking to.  This afternoon we met for coffee and I swear I started looking around for candid camera.  He’s like 42, 6’5, born in Norway raised in Ireland and the US, never married/no kids, and he’s a trauma therapist.  All should be positive things but there were so many flags and fouls it’s incredibly.

First when he showed up he looked a good 10 years older than his pictures which he claims were from earlier this year.  Hells no.  He’s still attractive for an older guy but he’s not even in the same league as his pictures. 

Second he showed up in a fleece pullover and athletic shorts. People, athletic shorts are never date appropriate unless you’re meeting at the gym!  Hell man throw on a pair of jeans!

Third, unless he’s damn good at hiding his money he’s not in the income category he claims to be based solely on the superficial judgments of his car and his apartment.

Fourth, in the coffee shop when we were talking about an array of things and I was trying to reevaluate his looks, the coffee shop owner was a friend of his and gave him a box of scones.  When we headed back to his place to chat a little more, he told me the scones were for a “meeting” he had to go to later.  I swear immediately my inner self screamed, “Here it comes!” and then he said it was an AA meeting but that he’d been sober for 20 years now.  Good for him for getting and staying sober – obviously bad as a match for party girl Miranda.

Fifth as we sat and talked he put his arm around me and told me how sexy I was.  He leaned down to kiss me and it was a bad kiss.  As in he aggressively stuck his tongue in my mouth and then literally sucked my bottom lip inside his.  Not good. 

Sixth, a little while later he kissed me again and slid his hand down and started to slide it under my sweater. I stopped him and he said “Oh I wasn’t trying to feel you up, I just wanted to rub you stomach.” I told him my boundary was no skin to skin contact on a first date and he proceeded to “therapizing” with me for the next 45 minutes about how weird that boundary was and how I was fighting my instincts.  Ultimately he said he really respected how I was trying to take things slow and that his problem had always been rushing into relationships. FYI – his boundary is just not taking off underwear on a first date. HA!

Oh there were several other things but I think you catch a drift how this date went.  He did give me a ton of compliments on how good my hair was, how good it smelled, what an amazing color it was, and he offered to trim it for me – apparently he was a cosmetologist years ago.  I politely declined the hair cut.

The end of the date was us saying goodbye so he could get on to his AA meeting.  He told me how much he liked me already and that he really wanted to see me again but I needed to work on my boundary issues.  I said thanks for the advice, got in my car, and sped away considering myself lucky that I got away with all my hair intact.  

Good lord what’s a girl got to do to get a break!  At all my epic fails with dating lately I’m starting to think maybe my relationship with Coach wasn’t so bad after all! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (Note to the girls – do not panic, that comment was for comedic effect solely.)


PS - Coach has been Facebook messaging me throughout this week all about the holidays and how sad he is and how he wishes he could spend it with me.  I've ignored them all but I finally lost my temper with him and messaged him back and told him to knock it off and to stop going to to the gym when he knows I go.  He apologized and I haven't heard a peep from him since. 


  1. I'm so sorry to hear about the bad dates! Boo on crappy men.
    FYI, you can also block Coach from FB messaging you...it's super simple and you will be free of him. I've become an excellent blocker and I highly recommend it.

  2. "I politely declined the hair cut." So amazing!!! This date would make a good pilot for the sit com that we need to write.

  3. Jules i was going to block Coach this am and realized he'd deleted himself from Facebook entirely!

    Elle - It was seriously the craziest date I've ever been on. The more I think about it the crazier it gets. More than once I literally looked around for a camera because I was sure I was getting punked.