Friday, December 16, 2011

You and Me Baby A'int Nothin But Mammals...

Man I've been waiting for a chance to use that song lyric in a post!!! I know you all remember that damn song and the insane music video..."Let's do it like they do on the Discovery channel". If you don't remember the song then you should check it out here, trust me it'll give you a good laugh.

This week, OprahGwyn's lifeclass topic is "What can we learn from animals?" Oprah herself held this very lifeclass only a few short months ago. She discussed things like unconditional love, loyalty and patience. BORING. As a resident expert on animals (ignore the fact that I abandoned my own cats with my mom when I moved to HI) I would like to share my insights on this topic.

  1. Consent isn't always necessary. Sometimes you just have to chase your targets down, immobilize them and share your fluids with them. 
  2. If someone is trying to steal your mate away from you just beat them into submission (the potential mate-stealer not your mate, get your minds out of the gutter).
  3. Being more attractive than everyone else around you has its benefits.
  4. Size definitely matters. 
  5. If you're tired of being single and alone, just follow the next guy/girl home that passes you and see if they'll adopt you. It doesn't hurt if you appear dirty and possibly ill.
  6. If you want to get your mate's attention then stand right outside of his/her window early in the morning and scream at the top of your lungs. Keep screaming until you get what you want or get kicked in the head. 
  7. Sometimes it's ok to eat your children.
  8. Females can get pregnant by two different males at the same time. Ever wondered why one your kids is a ginger?
  9. When you've had a long day it's perfectly acceptable to cop a squat in your yard and relieve yourself. If anyone sees you just stare directly at them to remind them that you really don't give a flying fuck. 
  10. Sometimes you need to expose yourself to get your point across. 
I hope you have all enjoyed this lesson as much as I have. When you see me on television hosting my own talk show you can all say you knew me when...


1 comment:

  1. This made me laugh out loud! I see so many correlations with our house too (the animals and the people in/around it).