Flipping the Equation
So after my failed date on Saturday I was doing a little shopping and a thought popped into my head. I keep attracting the same version of the same guy. Not exactly a newsflash but stay with me here. Even if I go way back to some of the first guys I dated (Sawyer, Lawyer Boy, Motorcycle Man, etc) or more current guys (Coach, the Ginger, SoCo, Saturday date boy) they are all guys who have made a lot of bad choices in their lives but want their lives to be different. They just either don’t know how to “fix” their lives or they aren’t capable of doing it on their own. By and large they are not bad guys by any means but they are just messed up (i.e. emotional gimps). Even Duckie falls into this category by and large.
I’m a “fixer” by nature so these guys are subconsciously attracted to me for my ability or at least my willingness to attempt to “fix” them. But I don’t want to fix anyone anymore. I’m so over that. I’ve learned that the hard way through my relationship with Coach and I’m not going back. This “handy girl” has hung up her tool belt.
For these guys, I’m a step in the right direction; they can see their potential with me. But for me, they are a step backwards to a place that leaves me frustrated and kills my attraction to the guy. A place I don’t ever intend to willingly put myself again. Somehow I have to flip the equation so that I can find someone who is going to elevate me to being a better version of myself instead of the other way around. Someone who can “fix me” as much as I can “fix” them if that makes sense.
And my innate want to “fix” these guys is the very reason I stay in touch with several of them even though we no longer date and they know there’s not hope there. Because my apparent inner social worker/counselor wants to help these guys still. And I get a feeling of friendship (albeit false friendship because I think if I wanted to be with any of these guys they’d drop everything and come running) but it’s still a friendship of sorts and I feel like I have men in my life I could count on if I ever needed it.
Which not to digress too much is something I feel a big sense of missing since my Dad died. He was always my go to person with car problems, mechanical issues, financial matter, when I needed a big strong man to help do heavy lifting, etc. Even when Duckie and I were together my first instinct was to call my Dad about these issues. I do have a brother who I’ve talked about a little on here but for all intents and purposes he’s worthless as far as brothers go. He didn’t even show up when I moved out nor did he talk to me for about six months after that. Even now we rarely speak and I’m ok with that because I love his wife to death and I’d rather be around her anyways. Incidentally, when I moved out both she and her sister showed up to help – not my own flesh and blood brother. And I have a brother in law who is well meaning but really doesn’t show up for stuff either unless it’s financial or legal stuff. He did show up the day I moved out but he was only there about 15 minutes and carried a couple boxes upstairs while Sawyer and Dave (Josie’s husband) did all the real lifting.
I was trying to explain this to Jules and Gwyn Friday night when I was getting my much deserved comeuppance for dallying with Sawyer when I landed on the perfect metaphor. It’s like I’m a crazy cat lady but instead of stray cats, I collect stray boys. It’s why I end up with guys who’s wives cheated on them, guys who made bad choices and ended up with multiple baby mamas, and guys who are lost and trying to find their next wife to help them figure out which way to go. And I take them in, show them a little of their potential, let them linger (via text or Facebook) and then have the eventual goal of re-homing them to some good single lady.
Twisted and weird metaphor I know but it really works. All this being said, I’m working hard on rewriting the equation because this girl is definitely in need of a Prince Charming.
Miranda
I’m a “fixer” by nature so these guys are subconsciously attracted to me for my ability or at least my willingness to attempt to “fix” them. But I don’t want to fix anyone anymore. I’m so over that. I’ve learned that the hard way through my relationship with Coach and I’m not going back. This “handy girl” has hung up her tool belt.
For these guys, I’m a step in the right direction; they can see their potential with me. But for me, they are a step backwards to a place that leaves me frustrated and kills my attraction to the guy. A place I don’t ever intend to willingly put myself again. Somehow I have to flip the equation so that I can find someone who is going to elevate me to being a better version of myself instead of the other way around. Someone who can “fix me” as much as I can “fix” them if that makes sense.
And my innate want to “fix” these guys is the very reason I stay in touch with several of them even though we no longer date and they know there’s not hope there. Because my apparent inner social worker/counselor wants to help these guys still. And I get a feeling of friendship (albeit false friendship because I think if I wanted to be with any of these guys they’d drop everything and come running) but it’s still a friendship of sorts and I feel like I have men in my life I could count on if I ever needed it.
Which not to digress too much is something I feel a big sense of missing since my Dad died. He was always my go to person with car problems, mechanical issues, financial matter, when I needed a big strong man to help do heavy lifting, etc. Even when Duckie and I were together my first instinct was to call my Dad about these issues. I do have a brother who I’ve talked about a little on here but for all intents and purposes he’s worthless as far as brothers go. He didn’t even show up when I moved out nor did he talk to me for about six months after that. Even now we rarely speak and I’m ok with that because I love his wife to death and I’d rather be around her anyways. Incidentally, when I moved out both she and her sister showed up to help – not my own flesh and blood brother. And I have a brother in law who is well meaning but really doesn’t show up for stuff either unless it’s financial or legal stuff. He did show up the day I moved out but he was only there about 15 minutes and carried a couple boxes upstairs while Sawyer and Dave (Josie’s husband) did all the real lifting.
I was trying to explain this to Jules and Gwyn Friday night when I was getting my much deserved comeuppance for dallying with Sawyer when I landed on the perfect metaphor. It’s like I’m a crazy cat lady but instead of stray cats, I collect stray boys. It’s why I end up with guys who’s wives cheated on them, guys who made bad choices and ended up with multiple baby mamas, and guys who are lost and trying to find their next wife to help them figure out which way to go. And I take them in, show them a little of their potential, let them linger (via text or Facebook) and then have the eventual goal of re-homing them to some good single lady.
Twisted and weird metaphor I know but it really works. All this being said, I’m working hard on rewriting the equation because this girl is definitely in need of a Prince Charming.
Miranda
Interesting analysis - I certainly think you're on to something here. I think it's usually toughest to really step back and be able to analyze ourselves too, so I applaud you for that. One thing in particular in this post really resonated with me - your comment about finding someone who can help elevate you to being a better version of yourself. I recently said almost the exact same thing to my friend, Holly. I told her that one of the main things I love about her and is that I truly feel she brings out the best in me. I think the deep love we share allows me to be the best version of myself (and I like to think I do the same for her). That really is a tremendously special, powerful thing and I encourage you to keep looking for it.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some solid advice for you on exactly how to find it, but I'm afraid I don't. In our case, it's not something that was an "at first sight" kind of thing for either Holly or me, but rather something that developed over time. So, I guess my advice would be: Keep looking, but stay true to your principles. Don't let yourself backslide and get involved with those fixer-upper boys too much and eventually, the right one will come along. Also, have patience, if you think you see potential in someone, give it time and see if it grows. Hell, Holly gave me all sorts of chances when I tried to screw it up early on.
In any case, I wish you luck my friend, but I think you'll need less luck now that you've come to this important realization.
Holy Balls, Woman! It's now confirmed that you and I are in fact the same person. You actually took the words out of my mouth. I always talk about becoming the psychologist or the mother. (I don't mean to blog spam you but that was from May 2010, so I highly doubt you've read it... and the similarities are UNCANNY!)
ReplyDeleteSince my last major relationship, where I literally had the life sucked out of me in saving someone else's, I've put effort into avoiding this "type" of man. But, like you say, it's as if they have a sixth sense about my inner therapist. I also have to admit that I am always drawn to the fixer uppers (although I no longer act on the draw).
Good luck! And I LOVE this post!
Thanks Elle! I consider that a compliment because I love your blog and find you unbearably amusing! No more ms fix it for us!
ReplyDelete