I’ve been struck with weird and random feelings of insecurity. They snuck up on me Monday evening and I’ve been battling those assholes every since. Monday night Peabody and I were laying on the couch watching TV and out of nowhere the evil thoughts pounced. I have no idea why but I lay there riddled with anxiety for the rest of the night and hell if it didn’t even let me sleep peacefully.
Let me be clear in saying that NOTHING Peabody has done provoked this. He’s been freaking great. Calls, texts, invites me to do stuff all the time, obviously wants to spend time with me, obviously very attracted to me, gives me compliments all the time, etc. Really there’s been not one single thing that’s made me question him or how he feels about me. And while we do spend a lot of our free time together, we are both very good about taking time for ourselves and we're not rushing anything (a'la The Christian).
I guess maybe it’s just that I like him, a lot, and this feels really good and grown up and “normal” which means that if it doesn’t work it’s going to hurt – likely very bad. I guess it’s the perilous fear of putting yourself out there and taking a risk. I've enjoyed spending time with Peabody since the beginning but as I'm getting to know him more and more it's really making my feelings grow. And really since Coach I haven’t put myself out there. Oh I damn sure tried time and time again but because I never really dealt with the death of that relationship it was keeping me from being able to really feel anything for anyone else.
Last night I had dinner with Peabody and a friend of his and I could feel myself being awkward because of the insecurity. I had to give myself a stern talking to and just faked being ok until I felt ok. Last night I was laying in bed and decided I just need to squash this junk. There’s absolutely no reason to feel insecure so I just need to let it all go. And I’m happy to report I’m doing much better with that today!