Friday, November 18, 2011

If You Play With Fire, You're Gonna Get Burned?

Miranda has been playing with fire lately. Well almost playing with fire. And why in the hell do I keep talking about myself in third person?

A little back story, while I was in Hawaii Coach finally had his back surgery. He has been recuperating here with his family and he’s been in and out of the hospital with complications and infections. Before Hawaii, I hardly ever talked to him and then it was only the random text. Well after I got back and he started going in and out of the hospital, he started texting me more often and I started answering more often. I was answering out of concern for his health and because I know his family is pretty shitty at taking care of each other and I didn’t like the thought of him feeling all alone in the hospital.

After a couple close calls with almost caving and going to see him in the hospital I held firm and kept it at texting only. I did go see him one time (with Gwyn’s permission lol) but it was no big deal. Week before last he was well enough that he wanted to go out to dinner. I already had plans with my friend D and her boyfriend (Coach’s bff) to go to dinner so we invited him to go with us. I felt very odd being around him. It was weird because I didn’t really know how to act. I haven’t physically been around him in a long time and it was just strange. D and I ended up drinking our dinner and we had a blast that night and I pretty much ignored him totally. He paid for my dinner, oops I mean drinks, though I didn’t ask him to.

Apparently I ignored him so much he felt compelled to ask me if I hated him and why I was acting like a stranger the next day. I felt bad because though I typically can be cool, calm, and collected, I freaked out and couldn’t do it that night. So I told him I’d meet him another night for a quick bite to eat. We had dinner a couple days later and I’m pleased to report I was able to emulate Jules’ cool demeanor and it was actually a pleasant albeit quick dinner. Again he paid for dinner though I didn’t ask him to and I offered to pay.

Since then the texting has continued about like normal but I can’t help but feel like I’m playing with fire. I think we’re on a pretty good “friend” path, well as much as you can ever just be friends with someone you’ve had a relationship with but I know he wants more. I also know he knows that I’m not open to that. He may have his health on the mend but he’s got a hell of a long way to go before I’d ever trust him again. And he still has the job in DC and I’m so not doing the long distance thing again EVER in my life with him or anyone else.

He wanted to have lunch with me this week but I declined. So instead he bought me two Groupons for meals at one of my favorite places and sent it to me to use however I wanted – HA! Tonight there’s a group of us going to dinner for D’s birthday and you know there will be a lot of drinking afterwards – by us not Coach, he’s actually been responsible with that and hasn’t drank more than one beer since his surgery/recovery debacle. At least I assume he’ll continue that behavior tonight. I digress.

When we were making plans, he texted me and said he would pay for my dinner because he knows I’m trying to save money as much as possible with attempting to buy the townhouse and all. And I know if he goes out with us afterwards, he'll more than likely end up paying for my drinks or at least some of them because for some odd reason D's boyfriend has started paying for a lot of my stuff too.  I've wondered more than once if Coach told him to and that he'd pay him back for whatever he spends on me. 

I sort of feel bad for letting Coach pay for all this stuff but hell, free food/drink is free food/drink. And I am severely cash strapped at the moment and he knows very clearly where I stand about “us” and the fact that it’s not a possibility for a long time. But am I playing with fire enjoying the perks of him paying for me? I seriously couldn’t be more clear about us, or rather the lack there of, but I still worry I’m sending some sort of message.

Am I open to the possibility of being with him again? If he was capable of doing all the things he needs to do to get his life straight I would be totally. Do I think he WANTS to do those things? Absolutely. Do I think he CAN do those things? Not anytime soon. Before he had the first surgery he’d been to see a counselor a couple of times in DC and I hope he resumes that when he’s back up there for work in another week.

I want to believe that people can change and that one day he’ll have changed enough that being with him will be a healthy decision for me. It’s not right now, I know that and I’m not willing to compromise for less than I deserve.


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