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Thursday, November 3, 2011

Fessing Up, Again

Well, he's back. I resisted Gavin for about 5 days after he returned to the island and then I couldn't resist any longer. Hell, I didn't want to resist any longer. The first day back he called me a billion times and I ignored them. Then, I started taking a call here and there and totally refusing to see him and such. Finally, Tuesday morning he called me and asked if he could please come over for a cup of coffee. I caved (again).

He came over and we awkwardly sat on the couch and drank our coffee. I didn't even want to look at him because I knew if I did, the twinkle in his sexy brown eyes would make me weak. Finally he pulled me over to him and I kind of curled up away from him and told him "no". He asked me to look at him and when I did, he pulled me in and kissed me. I pushed him away and again said "no". We talked some more and he begged me to let him touch me. I resisted. He kept kissing and caressing me. Finally, it was time for me to leave and I was weak. He was standing near me as I was gathering my purse, keys, cell phone, etc. and stooped down to my face, pushed me back a little against the wall, and totally made out with me. I was so hot for him in that moment, I almost melted. I told him I had to leave and he said he'd call me later.

I left practicum early because it was a short day and on the way home, he called me. I told him I was coming home but that I had work to do there. He said he was going to be near here and asked if he could come by. I told him that he could come over that night. I decided to go take care of things myself because I really wanted him, but I still wasn't sure yet. He called back a few minutes after I finished pleasuring myself with my new toy and said he really wanted me, right then. I told him to come on. He was here in less than 4 minutes. He walked in and grabbed me and lead me to my bed. He bent me over and pulled down my shorts and proceeded to fuck the holy hell out of me. I was soaking him and he came an amazing amount! We finished and I told him I still wanted to see him that night. He readily agreed and said he'd be back over later.

Sure enough, he came over right after I put Chloe to bed. She totally saw him though and later busted me to Gwyn, who busted me to Miranda. I'd already fessed up to Josie because she'd texted me and asked about Gavin the day I was seeing him. Anyway, after she was asleep we proceeded to have steamy hot sex 2 more times. He did all the things that he knows I love and it was like a taking a starving man to the buffet line.

Last night, he came back over when I got home from school and took me into my bedroom. He proceeded to spend the next 3 hours making me cum. He licked and fingered me until I thought I was going to pass out. We stopped, smoked, and went at it again. I was in orgasm heaven! I know you all think this is a horrible mistake and that he's only going to hurt me again and chances are excellent that ya'll are right, but honestly I was miserable not seeing him. We have really clear boundaries established about what is and what is not ok regarding his substance use. He seems to really get it and while I'm sure he's going to continue to use, he knows that he will NOT be allowed around me if he is and or plans to in my presence. I get that this is not an ideal situation, but he makes me happy when I'm with him and we're hanging out. Unfortunately, I really like him and I really, really like the sex. I am working hard to draw clearer boundaries and make it known where my limits lie. I'm limiting the amount of time that I subject others to him and he knows it, so I hope we can find a balance within this.

At any rate, relapse has caused happiness as it does with any addiction...it's why people relapse. Regardless, I'm happy right now and I hope that the people that know and love me will understand that even if they think it's completely stupid on my part and know that I deserve better.
-Jules

3 comments:

  1. I'm not commenting on the Gavin situation anymore because you know what I think/feel and honestly it makes me furious that you don't love yourself enough to stay away from him.

    I love you and do want you to be happy. But this short-term false happiness is not what I want for you. You deserve way more and you need to believe that for yourself and for Chloe because you wouldn't want her to settle for anything less than she deserves.

    Miranda

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  2. I have neither the right nor the inclination to scold you for giving in to addiction. But if you're going to give in, just don't lose yourself. Especially with Chloe being at the age where she kind of knows what's up and is analyzing momma's every move and filing them in the "how adults live" cabinet of her brain.

    From an outsider's perspective, it look likes this: he doesn't love you. He doesn't have 'feelings' for you. He's addicted to the sex. And you're exactly the gateway he needs to feed his need for wild and crazy experiences, so by extension he's addicted to and enabled by you. And why shouldn't he be? A beautiful, sexually open-minded, insatiably lusty girl is every man's dream. As far as sex goes, you're the ultimate partner.

    But just like the cocaine, and the GF he's never going to leave, the "manly" short fuse, and the ultra-compartmentalized life, you feed some sense of self-gratification and ego for him. And when he doesn't need his fix, or can't have it because he's too far away, you're barely a blip on his radar. He proved that in CA.

    Falling in love with him is like falling in love with a very expensive sex doll. It's unhealthy and crippling to your chances of making real connections. The sex doll can't love you back. It's just something make you feel good until something better comes along.

    If you want to use him as a warm-blooded, hunky sex toy, that's your perogative. But he serves the same place in your life as cocaine does in his: a destructive, regretful, oh-so-satisfying high. At least remember the rules of functional addiction: do not let it affect your family, know your limits so you don't O.D., and above all do NOT pretend that this somehow makes your life better. More fun maybe, but definitely not better. It's what I've got to remind myself every night I'm mad at Lena and try to pretend I have a responsibility to cheat so I can be a "better husband" at home.

    Of course, I have a skewed view because I'm a typical bastard too. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least nine women over the course of my life who believed we had a deep connection, or we were in love, or we shared some cosmic serendipity that made sex nearly destined. In reality I've only had any kind of actual emotional attachment to MAYBE two of them.

    But that's what it looks like from a bastard outsider's perspective.

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