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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Trying to Find a Silver Lining

It’s been a weird Thanksgiving day for me - one filled with moments of feeling greatly thankful and other moments of feeling greatly unthankful.  Last night I had dinner with Jules, Josie, Short Girl, and a few other of my long time friends and we had a blast. Though it was very surreal to realize our “kids table” was larger than ours.  That led me to going to bed with a very thankful mindset of having such good, fun people in my life.

I woke up with a chip on my shoulder though. Not sure why.  Just a general mood of grumpiness and as I lay in bed listening to the kids good naturedly argue over what to watch on TV, my phone started chiming, and chiming, and chiming. Over the span of an hour I had no less than 10-15 text wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving and most including a comment about how wonderful I was.  They were all from ex-Team Miranda members.  Motorcycle Man, McKing, Grandpa Twin, College Crush, other random guys, and of course Coach.  I even got several texst from guys who I had deleted from my phone.  It was quite funny and made me think that at the very least I left an impression in these guys minds lol.

The rest of the day was weirdly up and down culminating with dinner with the family.  We opted to go out to eat this year which I was not in favor of but it ultimately didn’t turn out too bad.  Though the whole time I was eating Coach was texting me. And it was making me mad and I realized that what’s wrong with today is the “shoulda, coulda, woulda.”

I keep thinking about how things would be different right now if things had gone differently with Coach. How he should have done things different, how he could have, and how things would have been now.  Today he and I should have spent the day together with my kids and my family.  We should have been filled with joy and peace. I would not have been thinking about buying a place for myself and we should have been at the point where we were starting to seriously plan a future together.  I would not have felt half as stressed out about money as I feel.  We should have both been planning on what to buy each other for Christmas and fast approaching our one year anniversary.  Things would feel very very different tonight if all the things that should have happened would have happened.

How freaking long does it take to get over someone?  Clearly that old theory that it takes half the time to get over someone as you were with them isn’t proving applicable in this instance.  I mean we were together right at 7 months so I should be feeling over him by now.  WTF?  I’m so annoyed and I know it’s stupid but it’s just frustrating that I’m still feeling like this about him. 

Maybe its sexual frustration from my libido raging as Imaginary Baby Daddy has been stoking it or maybe it’s a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Maybe it’s because I am so not looking forward to my first Christmas alone (the kids are with Duckie this year) or hell maybe it’s just my fucked up mind.  I know deep down inside I still have very real feelings with him and maybe it’s just my eternal frustration that though he begs and pleads and still says he loves me all the time he’s not changed one bit in reality.  And as much as those feelings are still there, my resolve to not compromise my emotional and mental health is way too strong to give in and find myself right back on the crazy train I was steamrolling down the tracks with when I was with him. 

If someone has a cure to getting over someone, I’d sure appreciate it if you’d share it with me.

Miranda

PS - Edited to add this the next day in response to the comments because Blogger's being a bitch and won't let me post a comment for some reason....I'm chalking this up to a temporary slip back into loving his potential and not his reality. Maybe that's what makes it so agitating and frustrating is that I know the potential could have been so much better. But the reality is despite his protests, he is still the exact same person I broke up with in July. And maybe a little of this "fall back" is just the sentimentality of the holidays. Last year I was too newly single to care about being single for the holidays but maybe that's creeping into my subconsious this year. Either way, I'm going to work hard on cutting him back out of my life.

3 comments:

  1. This is Oprah, I mean Gwyn speaking...

    The ONLY way you're ever going to get over Coach is to cut off all communication with him. I know it's not something you want to do but it truly is the only way. Otherwise it's like being an alcoholic and going out to the bars every night when you're trying to get sober.

    Good luck and hang in there! Getting over someone is really hard work and anyone who says otherwise is lying to you :)

    Gwyn

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  2. I agree with Gwyn. I think time is ultimately what will help you get over him, but that clock can't really start ticking until you stop spending time with him and communicating with him. I know it won't be easy to do, but think about giving yourself the time and space you need to get past this.

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  3. I don't know if I've ever really got over a relationship that had potential... even if in the end I nearly hated the person and rationally knew that we were no good together... there's always still pangs of regret even years later. Every June 22nd I think about Amy, and how long we'd have been together if we weren't so young and stupid when we met. And I think about my first "boyfriend" and his girlfriend at least twice a year, and what a great poly couple we had the potential to be if we'd have just had more maturity to deal with a relationship like that. I still think about the Artist and how perfect and mutually nurturing a side-relationship could be between the two of us, if we weren't both prone to swings of irrational, self-destructive behavior.

    In the end though, the reasons we're not together are sound (besides my marriage, of course). The effort it would involve to change the things I can isn't worth the risk and energy when I remember the things I can't change (if that makes any sense). It's a game I would stand little chance of winning, and winning involves too little a payoff anyways. I remember that the energy I spend focusing on these people is the same energy I could be using to build something real.

    I guess reminiscing about exes is kind of like porn for the soul. A little in moderation is natural, but don't let it take up so much of your thoughts that you have no room to focus on your quest for intimacy in real life.

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