I really need to learn to walk away. Monday night I ended up going out very impromptu for a with D to this bluegrass jam thing that goes on in this hole in the wall place. Very cool, relaxing vibe. While we’re there, I told her about Coach and his craziness from Sunday and how he’d been texting me all weekend saying he was lonely and whatnot. When I told her that, she told me he was out Friday night drinking and in all the places that caused us so much trouble when we were together and with the same old crowd of people.
I can’t say I was shocked but I was surprised. Though I really shouldn’t be at this point. She also told me (which she’s said this multiple times but never quite so funnily) that she didn’t know what we lasted as long as we did because it seemed like all we did was make each other miserable. And the more I thought about it, that was really true. At least from my end. I mean every weekend something happened that caused a fight or argument. I told her the problem was never when we were alone, if we could have lived in our little bubble where other adults didn’t come into play everything was peachy keen. It’s when the outside world came in that it all went to hell.
Side note – at the bluegrass jam guess who showed up – Imaginary Baby Daddy. We spoke for a few minutes but only briefly because D and I were ready to go and it was getting late. Damn that man is hot but I’m glad we didn’t have much time to talk because between the mood I was in and my raging hormones I probably would have taken him and did him on the hood of Coach’s car.
After I dropped D off, my anger got the better of me and I called Coach. I spent the next hour yelling at him while he made excuses for pretty much everything that ever happened. The hour of yelling is really not worth rehashing because it was the same stupid stuff that always gets said. At one point I swear I had an out of body experience and I was sitting there watching myself rant and rave and morph into Crazy Miranda and I said to myself clear as a bell, “You need to learn to walk away.” That thought stopped me in mid sentence and I said goodbye to Coach and hung up.
I don’t want to be this girl that I seem to turn into around Coach. It’s not me. It’s not my personality. It’s not who I want to be. Something about Coach drives me to the point of madness. I turn into this awful version of myself and I so don’t want to be that person. It was hard enough to get out of that mindset the first time and the second time. And on that note, I don’t want to be the couple who gets together and breaks up over and over and over. I always mocked those people!
I don’t want to be the girl who makes demands and ultimatums and forces a person/place/thing into the shape I need them to be. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. They shouldn’t require this much effort. I don’t want to yell at Coach anymore. I don’t want to wonder if he’s telling the truth. I broke up with him for this very reason and I was getting back to being the person I wanted to be before I fell back down this proverbial rabbit hole with him.
So I’m stopping it cold today. I’m walking away. I’m going to tell him no more talking or texting. No more Facebook. No more being friends, clearly we are not capable of that. Even no more being out with joint friends at the same time. We need to get the hell away from each other. Clearly we are toxic for each other and the “good” that was between us never outweighed the “bad.” So that’s it folks. Finito. Adios. Done. Arrivederci. Check please. Miranda is walking away from Coach for once and for all.
PS – At the gym Monday evening before all this craziness went down, I was on the elliptical and saw Coach working out. I almost fell off trying to crouch down so he wouldn’t see me and come talk to me. As the guy next to me looked at me like I was a spastic freak, I realized the song Toxic by Ms Hot Mess Herself – Britney Spears – was playing on my Ipod. Coincidence – I think not.