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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Panic, Jealousy (?), and Fear


I had a brief panic attack today after a conversation with Gavin. Gavin himself didn’t produce this attack, but it was a reaction to something he said that got me all worked up and required some processing with Miranda.  Here’s how it went down.

Gavin called me this morning to tell me how awesome last night was and to thank me for my services. We chatted some about our days and he mentioned that this girl he met a few weeks ago called him yesterday and how he misses being single and free to see who he wants, etc. It’s important to note that at no point during this conversation did he mention anything about seeing this girl or hooking up with her or anything. He just said she called and started talking about how unhappy he is with the gf. I called him co-dependent and relayed how many times we’ve had this conversation over the past year, month, week…minus this girl being a factor though.

After this call, I hung up and felt what I thought was jealousy which made me think that I may have feelings for him which lead to a full on panic attack where I started having trouble breathing. (I’m not kidding.) I panic texted Miranda with this conundrum and asked for advice. She said I should go with it, which sent my pulse rate up even more! Was she suggesting I tell Gavin about these feelings??? Fortunately, she was not. She was suggesting that I embrace it on my end and go forth because she thinks telling him would make him way too happy. I think it would freak him out, but it’s irrelevant. After processing this fully, I think I was nervous about him actually leaving the gf. If he leaves her, I’m afraid he’ll move on before I’m ready for him to do so and in turn I could lose my safe and comfortable FWB situation. I need not worry because clearly he’s not leaving.

As I was further processing, I realized that it was fear of the unknown and not jealousy that I was reacting to after our call. I still don’t want to be in a relationship with him. I still maintain that he’s essentially an unemployed addict with a recent history of domestic violence and while these things don’t currently impact me at all, they would definitely in an actual relationship. The other factor I’ve decided that is key is the Owen factor. He’s my litmus test. Am I willing to give up Owen for X guy? If the answer is no, then I know I’m not meant to be in a relationship with them and to date I’ve not met anyone that passes that test.
-Jules

3 comments:

  1. If it makes you feel any better, if Gavin ever does leave (or exits your life) I'm almost positive another man will appear to take his place and fulfill his FWB/babysitting/car fixing/cooking duties. So, don't think of it as losing someone think of it as making space for something better :)

    -Gwyn

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  2. Excellent point, but since he called me today and asked about moving back in...I think he's going to be around for a while though. I do love your way of thinking. If he goes, it's for a reason that obviously something better is out there! ;)
    -Jules

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  3. You tell Gavin to stay away from my room!!!! Because as soon as this house is rented Gwyn is buying a one way ticket to paradise!!! Tell him to find another mattress and he can sleep on the porch ;)

    -Gwyn

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