Miranda is Sad

Friday Coach and I spoke very little to each other.  Then about 10 pm I got a text from him saying he was in town at a bar.  It made me really mad.  Mad that knowing I had these insecurity issues about his “friends” he’d put himself in that situation and then tell me about it. And honestly mad that if he was so concerned about our relationship he’d come all the way home from DC and go straight to a bar and not even attempt the whole “knight in shining armor” routine and try to come see me first.

What followed were two hours of various drunken texts of either “help me” or “come get me.” Eventually I told him I’d come pick him up and take him to wherever he was spending the night but he was not going to come to my apartment.  Next up followed about an hour of random phone calls where either he didn’t say anything or it was too loud for him to hear. 

Finally about 1:30 am he called for a last time and I answered the phone.  He was wasted. Like seriously scary drunk.  I let him drunkenly ramble for a few minutes and he kept saying over and over how he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t come get him (he was so drunk he had forgotten I had said I’d take him somewhere) and how he’d been trying to call me for hours but I wouldn’t answer (again you see how drunk he was).  Most of what he said made no sense or I couldn’t understand but I did find out he was at his best friend’s house and that he had not driven, which was really the only thing that even made me offer to take him somewhere in the first place.  After that phone call I packed all his stuff up in a garbage bag.

I’d been feeling so so sad that night and questioning my decision but seeing this behavior let me know my decision was right. Coach has some serious issues to address and I can’t help him with those. He has to do that himself.

The next day he called me and I questioned him about his intentions for getting wasted and calling/texting me like that. He apologized and said he was just trying to cope with the break up in a very bad way.  I asked Coach to come over that morning so we could talk face to face.  He did come over for a little while and I wanted to just get it all off my chest. Not be mean at all, but just say what I needed to say. 

As soon as he got there he told me he only had a few minutes because he had to go to his son’s soccer game. Par for the course.  I talked for a few minutes and Coach saw I had packed up his stuff for him.  Coach said he really wanted us to talk more but that he had to go to the game and he’d be back right afterwards.  I was frustrated and annoyed and more than a little sad.  Seeing him face to face was a lot harder than I wanted it to be.  Finally I agreed he could come back and he left for about 45 minutes.

When Coach came back I just laid it all out there.  I essentially just went over all our issues and told him as much as I love him I’m not going to be in this relationship. I’m not going to let these stupid issues tear me down anymore or make me be mean to him (which I have been lately) and tear him down.  I told him he needs to go handle his business and figure out what he wants out of his life. That I don’t want or need this drama in my life and it’s not freaking grown up to lie and cater to your friends like he does.

I was really upset during all this and he kept trying to hug me or comfort me.  When I said everything I needed to say, we just kind of sat there in silence for a little while.  He got up to get his stuff and hugged me for a long time and said he really loved me and he wasn’t giving up.  Coach said he was going to work his issues out and that he wasn’t going to let me go without a fight. 

He gave me my key back and I walked him to the door.  He grabbed me and hugged me really hard and I hugged him back for a long time.  Then he took his stuff and left.  It was honestly AWFUL.  Making him leave was the freaking hardest thing because I really do love him and I do think we had a lot of potential as a couple.  But potential is not enough and I’m not going to be with someone who needs to be fixed or pushed to address his issues. I did that for way too long with Duckie and we all know where that got me.

Saturday night I went out with Gwyn and the girls and we had fun. It was a much needed diversion though I did engage in some illegal texting with Coach until Gwyn confiscated my phone.  She literally took my phone away from me LOL.  That’s a true friend right there.

Coach texted me a few times yesterday saying he wasn’t going to forget about us and that he was going to work hard to be the man I deserve.  He said he’d told him parents everything and that he was ready to do whatever he needed to do to fix his issues and win me back.  The sad part of me wants to believe him but my suspicion and distrust of him are way too high.  Mostly I’m just trying to let go and move on right now.

Miranda