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Thursday, March 31, 2011

A Leopard Can't Change His Spots


I woke up empowered this morning to end things with Clark. I decided that I was settling in hopes that he would quit being a sociopath and actually fall in love with me and we would have a decent relationship. Well folks, I’ll tell you what you all knew all along…it ain’t happening.  I think it clicked when I had a crappy weekend/Monday with him. I felt like I was trying wayyy too hard and yes, Gwyn I had asked to see him. (Pathetic…I know.) I honestly felt like the universe was drawing us together, but I know now that either it wasn’t for the reason I assumed or the universe is just out of whack.
Regardless of why our paths crossed over and over, he’s toxic for me. I woke up this morning looking at Chloe’s sweet little face sleeping beside me and I thought about him. Would I ever want him to be a part of her life? No, no I wouldn’t. He’s too moody, inconsistent, self-centered (hold onto this one for a second), and demands too much attention be placed on him. 
I did what I do best and picked a fight with him, but I meant it this time. I told him I was over being punished for the party and that I was going back to my life (meaning Owen and Gavin).  He thinks I stopped seeing them, but I obviously didn’t because I knew how this would end.  Then he had the audacity to call me selfish. He told me that he has a lot going on and that I’m too worried about myself.  I am selfish, completely and totally but I’m telling you guys that was the freaking pot calling the kettle black.
He’s not going to change. I know this. He and I are at such different places and since I found out Monday that he could possibly be here until August, I kind of freaked that my life could be in this crazyland limbo if I continued to try to make things work out with him, so I finally grew a pair and cut the ties. I’m over it.
Another thing that clicked for me was seeing Gavin last night. We actually didn’t have sex. He came over to just hang out with me and spend time with me because our relationship isn’t solely based on sex...interesting concept.  We hung out talking and watching TV and drinking for a little while. He just makes me feel good. I don’t get that from Clark, at all. I feel like with Clark I’m always working to prove myself worthy of him…which is ridiculous. I did my summer reading list from Gwyn early and it is amazing how this post is so incredibly similar to the others. What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…I’m tired of being insane. Social worker, heal thyself.
My life is not structured in a way that I can be in a relationship right now. The Gavin situation is perfect and I triple love being with Owen. My life works for me right now and I don’t need any other complications in it. This period of trying to juggle more was entirely too stressful and I feel guilty because it then takes away from more important people and things in my life. Priorities have returned to order and I feel great about it.
-Jules

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