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Friday, March 11, 2011

Everybody has a Random...I Have A LOT

Apparently, my time spent in the middle of the Pacific has screwed my signal all up. I feel like I was actually on the LOST island and the magnetic waves and creepy jungle spirits distorted my DNA or something. My signal always attracts weirdos, the evidence is clear on that one, but now it seems to also be attracting babies and creepers.

Like I described in an earlier post, ever since I got back from our visit with Jules I have had pretty much no sex drive. I am a self proclaimed born again virgin, but let me tell you it's not due to lack of options. Weird young, and random options. There's really no way to describe all of the randomness I've encountered in any logical manner so I'm just going to lay out a timeline and introduce you to some new characters in my play of life.

Little Brother - The weekend after I got back from Hawaii, my best friend from high school lost her 7 month old baby to a heart defect. Her younger brother (25) came in town for the service and the night of the service a group of us went out for some drinks - yes, we got drunk the night of the funeral. Throughout the night, Younger Brother was putting the moves on me. Rubbing my leg, trying to hold my hand, saying sexual innuendos, taking his shirt off lol, the whole nine yards. Now, Younger Brother is VERY HOT but I couldn't bring myself to hook up with him because of the circumstances and the fact that no matter what he will always be 'younger brother of Sarah' to me. Since that night I've seen him a few times and texted with him a little. He's been very active on my FB page (and even says he wants to move to Hawaii now lol) but nothing has, or ever will, happen between us. I don't ever plan on telling my friend that her brother tried to get in my pants either, that would just be too weird.

Mr. Officer - The weekend after the baby passed away, I went out to a local bar with a couple of my guy friends. As the night wore on, I ended up sitting on a bar stool just minding my own business and enjoying my buzz. My guy friends sort of abandoned me (aka left me open to advances of freaks and weirdos temporarily) and next thing you know I was getting mobbed. The most memorable of my suitors that night was Mr. Officer, a 21 year old cop from a neighboring town. Fresh out of community college. He not only chatted me up for at least 20 minutes until I could finally escape, he also insisted I take a picture with him - which in a very non-Gwyn like fashion I agreed to do. I told him my real name and the following day had a friend request from him on FB which I politely declined. Thankfully I haven't heard anything else from him because as I said earlier, I participate in far too many illegal activities to date a member of law enforcement. Not to mention the fact that he's practically an infant.

Blue Collar - The following week, Miranda and I were headed to see a basketball game and I stopped to get some gas and buy a cigar. When I was in line a guy behind me tried to be funny and said something like "I know what that cigar is for?" which I think I pretty much ignored, I can't really remember. Next thing you know, I'm outside pumping gas getting ready to get in my car when a truck pulls up and the same guy starts yelling at me out his window. I walked over and he started asking me if I had a boyfriend, etc. to which I replied no. He said he was a good looking guy who didn't normally look so disheveled but he had just gotten off work as a....wait for it...cement truck driver. Then he proceeded to tell me that he had been talking to a girl but she was "yanking his chain" and he was tired of it. He asked for my number, which I actually gave to him - I was trying to be more Miranda-like and open lol. Then I told him I had to go because I was in a hurry and he was making me late. I never heard from him but I did have a couple calls from a random number (I never answer calls from numbers I don't know) but they never left a message.

Baby Boy - Three weekends ago, I went with Miranda to a country western bar in her town to send Coach off in style. I was drinking very heavily, thanks to one of Coach's friends, and enjoying myself. Towards the end of the night I went to sit down by myself on a barstool against the wall. One of the people sitting next to me was the only black guy in the entire bar, no exaggeration he literally was the only black person there. We started chatting and ended up leaving the bar together and heading to the strip club - as usual Gwyn was keeping it classy. No hanky panky occurred, other than a little making out, but we've continued hanging out since then. He is only 25 years old and very much a puppy like Gavin lol. So far he's taken me out a few times, cooked for me twice and basically does whatever I ask him to. He's beginning to get too clingy for my liking and I think I'm going to have to cut him loose pretty soon before he gets any more attached. Let me give you an example of his clinginess, here's the last text I got from him (at about 9:15am this morning):

BB: Good morning ba.
Gwyn: Ba? Lol
BB: Lol did not want to say baby did not know how u would feel. So thought I would start off with ba and work my way to calling u baby. lol.
Gwyn: Haha you are silly

Mystery FB Stalker #1 - The evening after my night out with Miranda, I received a message on FB from a person I didn't recognize. He didn't have any pictures on his profile but his info page indicated he graduated from high school when I was like 4 years old. So, basically this guy is old enough to be my dad. He has kids but we didn't have any FB friends in common so I was totally perplexed as to how he found me. If you're interested, his message said "You are so sexy." I never responded to the message and then the next day I got another one, "Love the profile picture. Very hot." That was the last straw and I had to block him. Miranda and I finally deduced that this must be some guy I met at the country bar and since my name is so unique he was able to find me online. Note to self: stop giving out your real name.

Mystery FB Stalker #2 - This very morning, I woke up to yet another random message from yet another baby on FB. The message, sent at 2:41am this morning with the subject line 'dang', said: "dang you are gorgeous! had to tell u that! sooooo sexy!!!!!!!!!! did u have a good week? got any big plans this weekend?" I checked out his profile and his pictures and decided quickly that I have once again attracted a baby weirdo. I'm not sure how he found me but we have a few mutual friends from a restaurant where I used to work (he is friends with 2 guy chefs I worked with and whom I also suspected may have had a little crush on me) and I'm guessing maybe he saw my pictures while one of them was signed in. It shall remain a mystery because I will not be responding to the message. He is 23 in case you're curious. Someone told me the other day that my FB picture made me look like a little girl so maybe that explains the baby attraction, who knows.

Chinless Wonder - The final player in my story is Chinless Wonder, aka the 28 year old IT guy at my job. He's been working here for awhile and ever since he started Miranda has been telling me that he has the hots for me. I finally accepted that he has a crush but I've tried to be very clear about my lack of interest. He has been working the "get to Gwyn through her friend Miranda" angle for months now but it seems he is building up his courage and that a date invitation may be on the horizon. He's started IMing me more at work and messaged me on FB last weekend at freaking 8am saying he noticed I changed my profile picture. He also shared his 'list' with Miranda a few weeks back and she told him I fit all of his qualifications except for one (no smoking) - that damn Miranda always egging him on for her own amusement!!!! Ever since his revelation that I am his perfect girl his pursuit has become a little more intense. Did I mention he has a girlfriend that he lives with? The latest development in this saga has had Miranda and I laughing for days. On Wednesday night, Chinless Wonder started chatting on FB with Miranda. During this conversation he told her that he was going to start asking me to do "outdoorsy active stuff" when the weather gets warmer. He also called me by a nickname - a nickname which I did not approve of and which he has never said to me directly - Gwynnie (well, he used my real name but shortened it and added an 'nnie' to the end). So now I have a nickname? This situation would be a lot easier to deal with if he wasn't the IT guy - I mean so far I've gotten more memory, a new CD drive, and he fixed my computer so I don't have to change my password every 3 months. Having the IT guy in your corner at work is really advantageous and I don't want to piss him off and end up with all my personal emails posted to the shared file at work. To be continued....

Well, I guess I better get back to work. That is if I can get any work done with the endless texts from Baby Boy, his latest (received about 5 minutes ago after I already told him I was busy) - "In 3 words, describe me." WTF is this, Catchphrase?

-Gwyn

1 comment:

  1. Baby Boy does sound like a little puppy. As someone with one, they can be handy. I'd keep him around for now if he doesn't piss you off too much.
    LOVE the nickname...ROFL.
    -Jules

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