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Friday, March 25, 2011

Fuck My Life

Miranda may be a gambler when it comes to love and relationships but she does know when to fold them. Even when her heart isn’t ready, her head can take control of the game.  I caught Coach in a lie again.  Three strikes and you’re out.

There’s been all this stupid fucking drama the whole time we’ve been dating with his friends from high school – girls and boys.  One of his best friends has been against me the whole time and loved to try to start shit that would upset me or get me agitated.  Tuesday night I was so happy that Coach finally talked to this friend and told him to lay off.  Yes I realize that it’s totally bogus that I was happy that after three months of dealing with it he finally did something about it.  And yes I totally just used the word bogus.

Wednesday morning Coach changed his Facebook password.  He’d given it to me long ago and I used to hack it every now and again and change his profile picture or something.  Clearly my spidey senses were tingling and that’s why I checked it.  I saw that it was changed and my anxiety went sky high.  I asked about it and he said he’d changed it to protect me and keep me from some of the drama from the high school people. I told him then that I could understand that and I certainly respected his need for privacy but changing it and not telling me until I stumbled on it made him look highly suspicious.

Wednesday night insane Miranda kicked into high mode and I hacked his account. Nothing there to be concerned about - totally innocent stuff.  I told him Thursday morning I had hacked it and he needed to change his password.

In conversation that morning about the high school crowd, Coach told me something frightening and interesting.  He said when he first started dating his ex, this same crowd did the same thing to her.  They were rude, said snide comments, talked trash about Coach and her, flirted with Coach in front of her, and some of them even flat out encouraged him to break up with her.  I was stunned by this information and asked how his ex reacted. He said her feelings were hurt, it ratcheted up her insecurity, and eventually they just quit hanging out with his friends.  Years down the road he tried to get her to hang out with those friends and she refused because she still held a grudge.  I said, “Do you see a pattern here?”  It’s the same freaking situation all over just 20 years down the road.  I told him clearly my feelings have been hurt by this crowd and that they ramp up my insecurity.  How did he think I’d feel five years down the road if he never addressed this shit with them? 

The day passes and after lunch I decided to randomly try to get in his email account (though that certainly didn’t pay off last time). Just so happened to be the same login information as his old Facebook.  What do I see?  5-6 messages back and forth via Facebook between him and one of the high school girls.  We’ll call her Skank.  Keep in mind these messages were totally innocent. Nothing inappropriate was said in a single one.

A little background on Skank.  They have known each other for about 30 years.  She’s married and apparently there’s been a lot of talk about her being unfaithful to her husband.  A couple weeks ago when Coach and I were out (the night I ran home drunk and barefoot) she was there. Hell his whole freaking high school was there.  That night he was up and socializing a lot and apparently they talked a lot.  The next day he got a message via Facebook from Skank’s husband that was something to the point of, “Hey. I heard my wife was out flirting a lot and yall looked cozy. I know people talk a lot of trash in town so I’m not worried but I just thought you should know people are talking.” 

When Coach told me about it I told him it was a warning shot.  That her husband was letting him know he was watching him.  Coach was dumbfounded that anyone would think he’d be involved in anything inappropriate and I told him (and this wasn’t the first time I had said this) that his intentions are not what matter to other people; it’s their perception of the situation.  Skank sent him a couple emails after that day which he told me about that were saying she was sorry about her husband being jealous and that high school people talk way to much trash.

So back to my snooping. Via chat I totally set him up and he failed with flying colors.  I asked him if he’d gotten any more messages from her. He said she’d emailed him one time yesterday but he hadn’t answered.  I asked again if it was just the one message. He said yes again but he hadn’t answered and did I think he should answer her.  I said well what would you want me to do if the situation were reversed. He said not answer the message.  A few minutes went past and I asked yet again if there was only ONE message and that he hadn’t replied.  He said again yes just the one message but he hadn’t answered.

I got pulled into a meeting and was gone for about 20 minutes and then had another meeting so I just dropped the bomb. I told him I knew they’d been messaging and that he lied to me. Then I told him I had to go and we could talk later.

When we talked last night he said he lied because he knew I’d be upset that she messaged him and he’d answered even though it was all innocent.  That he doesn’t want me to get upset over the high school crowd’s behavior.  Over the course of two hours I alternately railed and cried and told him I would never be able to trust him again. And he’d created this whole pattern of suspicion about his behavior that I didn’t think I could get over.  All I’ve asked of him is to treat me the same way he wants to be treated and I’ve made way too many concessions for us to only be three months in.

He kept telling me how much he loves me and that he doesn’t want to be without me. That it hurts him so much to know he’s hurt me.  That he’ll do whatever I want and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me.  This fucking sucks.  I really do love him and care about him but I’m not doing this anymore.

Miranda

7 comments:

  1. "Via chat I totally set him up and he failed with flying colors."

    "I used to hack it every now and again "

    "Keep in mind these messages were totally innocent. Nothing inappropriate was said in a single one."

    I've been reading your blog for a bit, lurking around, and you've been fucking up this thing with Coach from the beginning. Is he free and clear? no, but you've gone out of your way to lie to him, spy on him, "catch" him, and sabotage this whole thing. If I had caught you "hacking" into my e-mail just once your ass would have been on the street.

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  2. Harsh but I appreciate your perspective. Don't think I don't own my part in this. I know I have major trust issues with him but they didn't start until I found out he lied about so many big things. Since then it's definitely been hard to keep pushing things along and trying to feel ok. I own that completely.

    But if he hadn't lied in the first place we wouldn't have any of these issues would we?

    And when I said I used it hack it every now and again it was with his blessing. And I've never been anything but honest with him.

    Miranda

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  3. I have also spied on a guy before when I had suspicions and every time I've done it I've found something to confirm my suspicions. Although it's not fair to snoop through another person's affairs, it's also not fair to lie to your partner. I wish that just having the suspicion was enough to make me end things but, like most women, I have to see for my own two eyes the deceit before I'm able to let go completely. Two wrongs don't make a right but I don't think it's fair to say Miranda sabotaged things with Coach. In fact, I'd say she went above and beyond to try and force it to work even when her gut said something wasn't right.

    -Gwyn

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  4. Miranda - you have to go with what your head is telling you on this one. You have given him too many chances - especially the last one where you asked him time and time again if it was only ONE message and he didn't come clean. You will spend your whole relationship questioning, checking stuff, worrying wondering.

    I don't doubt for a second he truly loves you and is in his own head thinks this is protecting you (i.e. the HS crowd drama) but for the amount of time you all have been dating - there are just a lot of red flags.

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  5. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure it's difficult, especially given how much you liked him and how much Leo and Ladybug liked him.

    I know it's only a small consolation, but at least you got through all of this early, while the relationship was still young. And you've only been single for like a year... at least you didn't waste another big chunk of your life with the wrong man, and then had to drag your kids through all that if they did get really attached. It's better that he slipped up now and you caught, rather than it being 10 years from now and the beginning of Infidelity Chronicles: The Next Generation.

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  6. Amen Ethan! I just said the same thing via text earlier. As far as the snooping, the few times I've done it to Russell, I totally found stuff. I think I only did it when I was looking for something anyway, but if we snoop there's usually a reason.
    -Jules

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