Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Late Night Musings

Last night I had one of those random dreams that creeps you out and makes you wake up with your heart pounding and pulse racing.  It took me a while to calm back down and as I lay there my mind was drifting from topic to topic. I was thinking about Peabody and how all we did was hang out at home this weekend and it was a blast.  I was laughing at the fact he brought me a “good” voodoo doll back from New Orleans instead of an “evil” one because he was scared to bring it on the plane.  How my relationship with Peabody is so different from anything I’ve experience before. Thinking about how much things have changed in my life in the last year. Just those sorts of things.

Somewhere along the way I started thinking about Duckie and how things were with him.  I like to reminisce that I was very protective of my relationship (till my downfall with Sawyer that is) and I was by and large. I didn’t flirt or go out with single girlfriends.  But then I started thinking and I had a couple instances where I nearly cheated on him before we were even married. 

When I met him, I had been talking to quite a few different guys all who worked at the same restaurant as us. Nothing had happened with any of them but I was quite the flirt – shocking I know lol. There was one guy in particular that I’m a little ashamed to say was a Vanilla Ice-esque knock off who I had a hot and heavy flirtation with.  Right after the first couple times Duckie and I went on a date, I met this guy after work one night and we kissed.  I remember him saying I was going to break Duckie’s heart and I assured him that I just “needed to get this out of my system.” 

Fast forward about eight months, Duckie and I had moved in together and I was working in a daycare where there was this single dad whose daughter was in my class.  We got to talking and I offered to help watch his daughter after work a couple nights a week to help him out.  After he’d get home we’d sit and talk for a good while.  Duckie actually spoke up and said he thought it was weird I was helping him out for free and I pooh-poohed him.  Over time this guy and I got closer and I remember several nights sitting on his couch when I thought he would kiss me or I wished he would.  Thankfully before anything happened he moved away.  Side note – years later right after Leo was born I ran into this dad.  His kid was going to the same daycare for after school care.  How weird!

We got married and other than a few flirtations with colleagues nothing ever came close until Sawyer.  Lots of times I try to let myself off the hook and say that my dad’s suicide drove me into Sawyer’s arms but the reality is we were headed there in the months before.

For newer readers, Sawyer was our next door neighbor.  You can read the details here way back in myvery first post.  It’s was just interesting to lie there last night and ruminate on all this.  Makes me wonder if my subconscious knew it wasn’t going work even way back in the beginning and was trying to get me to do something to blow it all up. 

At any rate, I do think I learned a big lesson about letting myself be tempted when I’m in a relationship.  When I’m committed, I do my very best to stay away from temptation.  It’s something I worry about for my boss and Kansas because while they are living together and she’s totally in love with him, she still keeps in touch and flirts with some of her past boys. I just think that’s a temptation I don’t need and I worry that the longer she lets this flirtations dally, the more likely she will be to let them cross the line and since they live together with her kids, it’s not going to be an easy break up.  Maybe I’m overprotective or maybe I just know myself too well and how easy it is to turn to someone else for attention even on a purely “innocent” basis.


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