Monday, May 7, 2012

Rolling in the Deep

I’m having a weird few days. Maybe it’s been the full super moon or maybe the universe is just fucking with me. Either way it’s getting on my nerves. After my fun dates with Mr. Big last week the weekend was relatively quiet. I went out with the girls Friday night and had a very fun time. Saturday/Sunday Kansas was around a lot doing work on my house.

I hear Jules and Gwyn groaning but seriously nothing has happened with him in forever. Between he, me, and my boss we’ve developed this weird threesome friendship of sorts. I think Kansas has a hero complex and he sees her and me as poor defenseless moms who don’t know how to do stuff around the house, which it totally not true. So he gets his manly complex fed by coming over to do things like install screen doors, patch nail holes, move heavy furniture. We’ve decided he’s our community service project. By hanging out with us he gets to work on his weirdo emotional issues, learn how to be a normal human being, and in exchange we get manpower and a guy to do the things we really don’t care to do.

Seriously there’s not subtext here. He hasn’t even attempted to make a move after I firmly shut him down that last time and said no more. I still don’t believe that guys and girls can really be just friends but this weird threesome works in some odd way.

So anyways he was around doing a bunch of stuff that only he cared about doing, I was quite perfectly happy to live with nail pops but whatever. So Kansas is doing the manly stuff and I cleaned my house and messed around on the computer when I stumbled upon some pictures of Coach on a mutual friend’s page. And fuckwittage took hold in my brain. It's like all the outrageous physical attraction combined with the intense emotions caught fire. 

Honestly the last couple weeks he’s been on my mind more than I have cared for. Just word of mouth hearing about him made him invade my consciousness but thankfully our paths haven’t crossed and there’s been no communication. But seeing those pictures made me feel like a flood gate crashed down and I was drowning. Somewhere inside I still really feel like I love him. And despite how I’ve tried to pull out any positive emotions I have towards him from their very roots apparently they are still firmly rooted.

It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make me think he’s a healthy person for me. It doesn’t make me miraculously think that one day he’ll learn to tell the truth and be a “normal” person. But it sucks honestly. After so much reflection and time I can firmly see all the bad and all the good. And neither balances or cancels out the other. And I know I’m still processing a lot of emotion and finding my way through this emotional swamp I’ve been mired in but if I can’t be with him, I really don’t think it’s fucking fair to feel like I still love him. And in my darkest times wonder if he was the “one” for me and worry that I’m not going to feel like that about anyone ever again.

Because I haven’t. And I know my emotional muck has prevented me from starting anything good and real with anyone else but I’m kind of like “damn how much longer is this going to go on?” At the end of July we will have been broken up for a year. A whole year I feel like I’ve wasted still being in love with him. A whole year where he should have been getting his shit together instead of spinning his wheels in neutral and maybe even reverse.

When we broke up I firmly believed that one day if he got his shit together, did some time in therapy, and lived up to his potential we’d end up back together. I’ve spent so much time being angry at him and squashing my feelings down and drowning in mixed grief that I don’t know that I could even possibly think that again. But I sure am damn tired of being in love with him.


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