I feel like a great deal of the last two years has been a roller coaster with some amazingly fun highs and some devastatingly, dark lows. A lot of this has centered on my relationship with Coach. There’s something about him that has changed the very essence of me. Something that takes me away from my normal stable, easy going self into the land of insecurity, anger, and irrationality.
Despite my attempts to keep him at arm’s length, he continues to find ways to get under my skin. Ways that ultimately are my own issue at being unable to cut off contact with him completely and remove myself from situations involving him.
After the incident a couple weeks ago (the night he almost beat up my boss’s boyfriend) I did finally cut off contact. I did because the depth of my anger scared me that night. But as things always seem to go, after about a week he started leaking back in. I had blocked him on both Facebook and on my phone but then I got curious. So I removed the block on Facebook. I saw things I didn’t like. The anger took over. Crazy Irrational Miranda sent him a message. The dialogue started again.
One night this week after drinking (a way I seem to be coping with the roller coaster lately – not good) I removed the block from my phone and yelled at him for an hour. I did this because I’d found out about a lot of lies he’d been telling me lately. Rinse and repeat night number two. Mostly Sane Miranda reestablished the block on my phone after that.
Then came this weekend. Friday night I got a message from Coach asking me to go to couples counseling with him. I didn’t respond but clearly it caused some sort of final mental break. I’m not sure what got into me but I told every guy (the landscaper, Kansas, and the new guy Chef) pretty much exactly what was wrong with them – and yes I realize the ironic subtext in me telling other people what was wrong with them when I am in fact apparently crazy. I told the Landscaper all he wanted was to get laid and he needed to stop trying to make that happen with me. I told Kansas he sends mixed signals and that I wasn’t interested in any sort of weird pseudo casual/boyfriend relationship. I told Chef that well, there wasn’t anything I could really point to as wrong with him other than the fact that he has no real time for a relationship and that my gut instinct was pinging against him but I wasn’t sure what for yet.
I was out both nights with friends and I drank a lot which as I said before seems to be becoming my weekend habit. What I’ve come to realize is that I’m not ok. I’ve been on some weird downward slope that is heading to me being the Mayor of Crazy Town. It’s not ok. I’m not ok. I am not the person I want to be. Right now, I am not someone I want my daughter to be like. I am unhappy. I am sad. I am not enjoying all the good things I have in my life. In short, I'm not Miranda right now.
I think I do a good job of covering up my unhappiness but when I read my posts of late it’s apparent. Hell the fact that I’ve hardly been posting says it all. I’m angry and hurt and I can’t stop lashing out. It’s why no relationships have worked since Coach. It’s why I can’t seem to move forward and I’m stuck in this spiral of self loathing, destructive behaviors.
I don’t know why I’m in this place still. We’ve been broken up longer than we were together. I’m drinking too much. I’m starting to make bad boy related decisions. I’m acting impulsively and recklessly. I am in short, becoming the very essence of a person who I don’t like, not one single bit. And it scares the shit out of me.
So I’ve grounded myself for the month of March. I’m not going out. I’m not dating. I’m not talking to any new guys. I’m going to spend the next month working on myself. And that’s going to include going to talk to a therapist about not being able to let go of this anger towards Coach and whatever it is that allows him to still be under my skin. I need to get a grip on myself before it’s too late.