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Thursday, February 16, 2012

Kryptonite

As we are all painfully aware from my multitude of posts about it, Gavin fucked with my head and my heart. I let him, so I own that. I fell for him even though I knew how toxic he was for me and that it wouldn't end well. In the past few months I've done a lot of soul searching b/c of cutting him and my Dad out of my life. Neither decision was easy and I still hate it a lot....daily. I miss both of them much more than the ice queen cares to admit. I re-read old posts on here and realize that there are a lot of things about him that I don't miss, but there were a shit ton of good, fun times that I do.

I've even gone so far as to justify my feelings for Gavin as playing into the whole Electra complex. Gavin is a younger version of my Dad in many, many ways. He's charming, funny, sweet, thoughtful, and an addict which makes him a selfish asshole at times and when their addictions are in full force those times outweigh the good times tenfold. Anyway they have both been on mind a lot lately. My dad just had a wreck this weekend and totaled his truck. He swore it wasn't his fault via our text messages. Then he asked me when I planned on talking to him again. I told him when he went into treatment and he told me to have a nice life and he'd see me on the other side. Nice, Dad...really fucking nice. I'm sure he was drunk and/or high when he said it.

I don't know why but I was seriously thinking about Gavin a lot today. It's so random. Some days it almost consumes my thoughts and other days I barely think about him. I can't honestly say that I've made it a day without him crossing into my thoughts though. It seems our connection still exists b/c just as I was literally coming into town tonight and passing the very place where we met on that fateful day almost 2 years ago and mentally comparing the toxicity of our relationship to kryptonite, my phone rang. I had taken his number out of my contacts and it registered mentally as a number I knew but not him. I answered and he paused and said "Hey". My heart skipped a beat. We talked for a few minutes and he asked if it was a good time. I told him I was literally just pulling into my driveway and asked if I could call him back in a few. I needed to gather myself.

I started to not call back b/c I knew it would hurt to talk to him. It did, but it was also nice. One of the very first things he said to me when I called back was that he thinks of me a lot. I told him that I think of him a lot too and then I apologized for the way things ended. I felt like I kind of owed him an apology. I did what I needed to do at the time to get some space from him. He remarked that he was very happy to have worked himself off my blocked caller list. Honestly it expired a few days ago after 3 months and I didn't think to renew it b/c since he moved last month, he hasn't called. I called him once to ask what he wanted to do with his stuff, but that was it. So we had a really nice conversation  and when I hung up I instantly let a few tears flow.

He sounds good and he's working. He said he's clean and hasn't done any coke since he left HI, granted it's only been a month. He's torn b/w being somewhat happy there and experiencing a new environment and missing here and his son. Things are not good in his relationship with the gf and they never will be. He mentioned how much I traumatized her. I reminded him that I don't care and I wasn't the one in a relationship. He reminded me of some of the fun times we had and told me he misses that.

I hope he stays in CA b/c honestly if he were back on the island I don't know that I wouldn't fall right back into it and I can't. It's toxic. How many times in one post can I use that word? I'm sure I could work it in a few more b/c it's just the right word and intellectually I know it, but emotionally I miss the crap out of him. For a great chunk of time over the last 2 years, we weren't just having a crazy, intense, sexual relationship but we were pretty much each other's best friends during that time and I think we're both mourning the loss of that and I'll admit it...it made me happy to know he's thinking about me and misses me too.
-Jules

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