In like a Lion, Out like a Lamb - Hopefully

Well the good news is Miranda’s not crazy, I just have a lot of unresolved grief and anger issues lol. I went to see my counselor, who is the bomb, yesterday and spilled my guts over the whole Coach issue and not being able to let go. Basically it boils down to this:

• I’m mad at myself for tolerating Coach’s bs for so long. I know I deserve better.
• I’m mad and grieving that my life hasn’t turned out like I expected it. Not saying my life is bad, hell I feel ungrateful for not being perfectly content. But I didn’t sign up for a Dad who’d commit suicide, a divorce, sharing my kids, and getting into a relationship with a compulsive liar who I thought would “fix” everything that I didn’t like about my life.
• I’m mad at Coach for not loving me enough to change his ways. Though really it's not that he doesn't love me enough, it's that he doesn't love himself enough to want to be a better person.
• I’m mad at my Dad for abandoning me and not loving me enough to stay here and fight. Though I understand he wasn't in any capacity for logical thinking.
• I’ve got unresolved grief over the end of mine and Coach’s relationship because when we broke up I only focused on being angry to prevent myself from getting back together with him.
• I’ve got unresolved grief from my Dad – I need to talk to him and let him know how I feel.
• Coach reminds me of my dad (personality wise) so he receives both his well deserved anger and a portion of my anger at my Dad since I can’t express it to him directly.
• Coach is a selfish bastard for continuing to try to lure me back because he knows how much he's tormented me and if he really loved me , he’d leave me alone and go do the work he needs to be doing to be a better man.

She thought my 30 day grounding was a brilliant step and I’m supposed to spend the next month working on these issues and avoiding contact with Coach at all costs. I have to find it within myself to stay away from him and give up my anger to God/the universe and let him take care of the burden of Coach. I need to let myself feel sad about the end of our relationship and realize that feeling sad is ok. I need to find a way to communicate to my Dad to let those feelings out and find peace again. And I need to remember that grief is something that comes and goes. Just because I thought I was find with all my Dad stuff doesn’t mean it’s true. Grief can cause issues for years to come and likely it’s extra strong right now because of all the stress I went through buying my house and feeling like I didn’t have someone to lean on.

 

My Dad was always my go to person. Any time I needed advice on anything he was the person I wanted to talk to. Even when I knew I’d disagree with what he said! I really miss that. If you haven’t lost your father, I’m not sure that you can understand the level of loss that I feel.

 

And when I get all crazy like I’ve been with Coach I worry about myself. I worry that I’m going to end up depressed like my dad, and heaven forbid, do something like he did. I worry about that more than I’d ever admit. But the good news is I’m aware of my issues. And I talk about them. It may take me a while to say them out loud but I’ve worked hard to change myself enough over the last two years that I do let those feelings out. And I have great supports like Jules and Gwyn and now my boss who are always there for me. Who listen to me, give me advice, rant and rave with me, and always find a way to make me feel better. And because I’ve been willing to go to a counselor (after my Dad died, during the separation process, after Coach and I broke up the first time, and now) I’m showing that I love myself enough to get help. And those things give me security and comfort that I won’t ever end up like my Dad.

 

I feel much better. I’m still really sad and I’m processing everything but I feel like I’m back on the right path now. I did make a follow up appointment in three weeks to do a check in and see where I’m at then. And I’m holding to my grounding for the month of March. Hopefully by the end of March, I’ll be back to the old Miranda with a new sense of self.

 

Miranda