Friday, May 18, 2012

Keeping Secrets

Two weeks without a post. Did you think I’d fallen off the Earth? That’s definitely a new record for Miranda. Not a whole lot has been going on. Mr. Big was out of town and he texted a few times but not enough to keep this ADD girl interested. He’s back this week but we haven’t seen each other yet. Other than that the only thing I’ve been doing is keeping secrets and I don’t want to so here I am laying it out via a post only because I’m too chicken to text it all to Jules and Gwyn.

Honestly after my whole “I’m still in love with Coach” so called revelation I’ve been obsessively poking and prodding my feelings trying to figure out what they are. My feelings are complex and twisted and honestly I’ve felt like every fiber of my being was screaming out to encourage me to have a face to face interaction with Coach to see what I’d feel when he was standing in front of me. So I did something that very well may earn me an ass whopping when Jules comes to NC in a couple week.

I messaged Coach and said I thought we should talk. We exchanged a couple Facebook messages and agreed to grab dinner Monday night. I didn’t want to go “public” since my small town is a cesspool of gossip so I suggested he bring dinner to my house. He did. We talked for a couple hours and it was actually nice. Nice because I no longer felt like stabbing him repeatedly or breaking a beer bottle over his head. Nice because he’s an easy, fun person to be around. It felt like old friends. We chit chatted a good bit and he told me about his decision to leave his job in DC and come back here and try to re-establish himself. We filled each other in our families and friends. I felt like I was just listening to him and not constantly evaluating whether or not he was telling the truth because in this conversation it didn’t really matter since we’re not “together.”

I told him about being angry. How since we broke up all I made myself hold on to the anger and that compounded with my other anger about my dad and about my life not being what I imagined had about broken me. How combining all that anger with the grief scared me and made me ground myself and spend 60 some days letting out every emotion I had. It was cathartic. I cried telling him all this and he awkwardly patted me on the knee because he was trying to not cross any boundaries.

After my sob fest we talked a little more. When I walked him to the door he hugged me. And in that instant with his arms around me all felt right with the world. I forgot how that felt with him. I felt a huge lump whel up in my throat and my eyes filled with tears. We stood there for a few minutes and gave me a quick kiss and he left. (Ok girls commence screaming at me.)

I cried after he left because all the good stuff I’d squashed down felt like it was drowning me. I called my boss and talked to her about it and then feel into an exhausted sleep that night. We’ve exchanged some text messages since then and Wednesday night my friend D called me and wanted me to meet her out for a drink. Incidentally she’s been cheating on her boyfriend. Maybe I should get her to write some guest posts haha.

I told her I’d come for just a little while. As I was on the way she called me back to say that Coach was there but she’d already talked to him and told him to leave me alone. HA! We acted sociable and talked off and on a little. Coach was drinking but he was keeping himself in check for the most part. Me, I wasn’t about to tempt angry Miranda so I limited myself to three beers. At the end of the night D wanted to go home with some guy so I gave Coach a ride home. Nothing happened other than him telling me how much he missed me and that he was trying hard to get his life back on the right track. He did kiss me before he got out of the car and it made me cry again because nothing in my life has ever felt like that with anyone else.

So there, my secrets are out. I’m sure Gwyn is pulling her hair out and Jules is gnashing her teeth. I’m sorry girls if I’ve failed you or let you down by having interaction with him. I had the imaginary arguments with both of you in my head for the last two weeks about my choices. It’s just what I felt like I needed to do so see what it did to my feelings. And it hasn’t changed them in either direction. I know he’s not where I’d need him to be to ever consider getting back with him. But I also know that what I feel for him feels very very real and damn as hard as I’ve tried to pull it out of me I can’t seem to budge it.

And all week I’ve been sick thinking about telling yall because I know you love me and that you both would be adamantly against him having any presence whatsoever in my life. But as wrong and stupid and as fucked up as it is, I still love him. And the only thing I know to do is wade into my feelings and try to process them as best as I can. Because clearly holding them in and not dealing with them hasn’t done me any good in the last 10 months. Please be gentle with me girls. I'm doing the best I can.


PS It's Ladybug's sixth birthday today.  Hope she wanted a mom who's an emotional mess for her special day this year!

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