After much soul searching and intense emotional overload, it’s come to this decision…. wait for it…. I’m excommunicating Coach from my life. Despite feeling like I still have love for him, he’s not who I need in my life. He’s not who I want in my life. And he damn sure isn’t who I deserve to have in my life.
My problem, which my counselor pointed out many a times, is that I keep feeling like if he really loved me, he’d change. But that’s not how people work. Yes we can change to a certain extent and if you want to make changes you certainly can. But he’s not ready to change, he doesn’t realize the extent to which he needs to change, and frankly at this point I don’t think he’s capable of changing. And if he really loved me, he’d have left me alone when we broke up and not dragged me down for the last 10 months as I battled my addiction to him.
So despite this speed bump in the last week of letting him back into my life, I’m cutting it off. I’m excommunicating him. I’m shunning him. I’m not going to have any further contact with him and I’m damn sure going to do my best to not even be in the same room as him ever again. He’s toxic for me. I already felt it this past week and I’ve worked too damn hard to get over those issues to have them come raging back.