DisIllusioned: A Cautionary Tale

I’m a little disillusioned at the moment with Clark. First, I’ve come out from under the spell of the kissing. Second, I did a bad thing and now I regret it. There is such a thing as too much information. Here’s a cautionary tale of when FB stalking becomes dangerous. Last night, we were texting and I was playing on FB, so I started FB stalking him. He and I are not friends (see my previous posts about not really friending my current boy toys), but I was looking at his parents’ pages at that time for pics of him. What I found was not pretty…it was just not pretty. Ironically, we are both from the same state. We didn’t meet there, but it’s kind of funny to be seeing a guy from NC 5,000 miles from home on a rock in the middle of the Pacific.  Ok, so he’s from NC and his parents couldn’t be any more of the stereotypical Southern redneck variety if they tried. I say this coming from a pretty redneck family myself, but oh dear lord I’d bet money people call his dad “Bubba”. Both parents are morbidly obese and his Dad appears to be a big fan of the overalls. I’m afraid now. “They” say that you can tell how a woman will look when she’s old by looking at her mama. If that’s the case, can you tell what a guy will look like by looking at his dad?? Clark actually looks like his mother and his mother used to be a pretty woman. The picture of her holding him in the hospital is great, but it’s obviously gone down hill in the last 25 years. I know I’m being superficial, but it was a scary sight. 

Gavin seems to be over his recent push-pull thing. I’ve just been reflecting on how he’s so present and into me at times, pulling me in, and then after a little while, he gets scared and pushes back. Since I’m not emotionally invested in him, it’s ok but it does start to wear my nerves a little thin. He wanted to hang out last night and called me while I was at school. I told him I’d call him when I got home, but I decided I was tired and it was raining and I didn’t really want to do anything but sit on my couch and watch a movie. He does this to me frequently by the way…says he’ll call later but doesn’t until the next day. So, he called me this morning for some totally bogus reason I think to just check in, but since he’s incapable of verbally expressing himself I guess this was his way of making sure we are ok.  

In the midst of our conversation, he drops that the gf found out he had a girl with him this weekend at the track. I told him I thought that was sure to happen and had thought it was a bad idea at the time for me to go. He said he wasn’t worried about it and told her it was one of his neighbors, but I can’t help but feel like a pawn in his game with her. I don’t mind being used for sex (as this is clearly what I use him for), but I’m pissed about being used in this manner. I’ll say it again…their relationship is just so weird. He’s still looking for a place and she’s looking for a roommate, but she won’t let him move in and it’s fairly clear to everyone that they don’t seem to like each other very much. He’s told me that she’s still selling drugs to make ends meet and recently asked her father for money (and he said no) to pay the bills, but she won’t live with the guy she’s been with for 5 years? Of course, what does that say about him?! I’m so over it. I just want to tell him to grow a pair and get his shit together and move on, but I don’t because it’s none of my business. I’ve decided to just keep on keeping on and see them when I see them and not sweat it because I have too much stuff going on right now with school starting to deal with boy toy drama. I bet by the semester’s end I’m back to just Owen. If Owen keeps his wife’s suspicions down, he’s very drama free. I hate to scale down to once a week sex again, but if it keeps the drama low it might be worth it. 

-Jules

PS I wrote this at work today. Gavin called me tonight while I was out shopping and asked if he could come over. I told him tonight wasn't a really good night and that Chloe was having a sleepover and I'd promised she could stay up until 10pm. Normally, Gavin is an early to bed kind of guy...so I thought this would deter him. Instead he says, so I can be there about 10:15? Yes, fine...c'mon. I always cave. He came and hung out...we didn't do much...just kind of chilled. There was a little bit of sexual stuff, but not like last weekend. She called about 50 million times while he was here and I finally made him answer the phone. Her suspicions are really up right now. When he left he asked if we could hang out again tomorrow night...guess what I said? Yep...I said "Sure, call me.". Why am I so drawn to this man? I literally get butterflies when I know I'm getting ready to see him or when he calls me, but I don't always like him. It makes no sense.