My name is Miranda, and I'm an Emotional Cutter
So today has been both great and totally annoying. I’m still flying high on a freedom trip. Hot guys everywhere I go. It’s like the veil has been lifted and I see the possibilities all around the world.
On to the great/annoying stuff. I had an unexpected chance to see Sawyer today, first time at the new place. Always lots of fun and it was nice to actually be able to relax and hang out for a change instead of listening for a car door, waiting for a phone call, or just generally being on edge about getting caught. We spent a couple great hours together and then this conversation took place.
Let me first and foremost say I’m an emotional cutter folks. I admit it. I love to pick at emotional things even when they end up hurting me in the end. PLEASE NOTE I AM REFERRING ONLY TO CUTTING EMOTIONS - NOT MYSELF. (had a very concerned text from Jules asking about that haha)So after all was said and done, I asked Sawyer if he was ever going to tell me he liked me again. (See my blog from a couple of weeks back if you haven’t read that one where he told ME he was falling for me) He basically said no that it wasn’t fair to me or him to take our relationship to the “next level.” That he had to protect us both and saying those things would make him feel like he had to leave, that it would be “too bad” of a thing to say those things and still be married to his wife. Oookkkkaaayyy.
I reiterated again that I knew where things stand I can respect/deal with his decision to not leave her now. Now let’s put it in context. Moments before this conversation he asked me if I had big plans to go out for my first “single” weekend. I said not really and he said you should go out, flirt, and have some fun. I called him on his BS and said you don’t want me talking to other guys. He said flirting is ok; you should have fun, see what’s out there. I asked so you are ok with me hooking up with other guys? He said well I didn’t say kissing or hooking up, just flirting. So I can flirt with guys but be “faithful” to him and yet he won’t tell me he likes me? Huh?
He said if he “lets” himself start saying how he feels, it makes him feel even guiltier about the whole affair. Like its bad enough that he’s having an affair but if he expresses himself (again) that makes it worse. Plus he said he’s heard too many stories of guys who have affairs, talk about feelings (which he’s been doing all along people!) and then the girl goes crazy and starts stalking him. Whatever!
He knew I was kind of pissed in the end. I sent him an email that basically said I wanted to clear the air and said this “…I understand your reasons for not telling me that you like me or saying anything in that realm. I think it's crazy but I do respect your choice. However, I need to know that you like me, that I'm more than just a girl you screw every week or so. I'm not asking for any commitment or profession of undying love or anything, but I would like to hear every once in a while that you are digging me. Can you handle that?
I feel like I've told you a million times that I'm not banking on you changing your life or waiting around for "one day." I just want to spend what time I can with you and continue with what we have. Also, just because you don't/can't say how you are feeling, I don't want to feel like I can't say how I'm feeling. Again, not that I'm going to be writing you love poems or making you mix tapes or something, but still if the mood hits, I want to be able to say I like you without worrying you are going to clam up/freak out/start checking to see if I'm boiling bunnies in your kitchen. You get what I'm saying?
Honestly, I was upset a little when you left. It stung to hear that I would never again hear you say how you felt about me. But I can deal with it. I think I know how you feel even if you refuse to entertain me by saying it. And I think eventually I'll break ya and you'll say something anyways.”
Thoughts? Suggestions? What to do now?
In other news, Duckie is a dick – no surprise there! Apparently over the weekend he traipsed over to his parents’ house and brought home the BB gun I refused to have in the house and Leo has already gotten to hold it. Joy! And Duckie has promised Leo he can shoot it sometime soon. On and I’m an awful disrespectful person because I had the “audacity” to ask Duckie if he wanted me to send the million checked pieces of schoolwork that come home each day over to his house. How dare I think that he wouldn’t want to see every single piece of paper that comes home – now if you have school age kids, you’ll realize the ridiculousness of that statement. And one more little Duckie gem, I should read my bible more often and I should force Ladybug to have a bible story read to her before bedtime each day. WHATEVER!
Miranda
On to the great/annoying stuff. I had an unexpected chance to see Sawyer today, first time at the new place. Always lots of fun and it was nice to actually be able to relax and hang out for a change instead of listening for a car door, waiting for a phone call, or just generally being on edge about getting caught. We spent a couple great hours together and then this conversation took place.
Let me first and foremost say I’m an emotional cutter folks. I admit it. I love to pick at emotional things even when they end up hurting me in the end. PLEASE NOTE I AM REFERRING ONLY TO CUTTING EMOTIONS - NOT MYSELF. (had a very concerned text from Jules asking about that haha)So after all was said and done, I asked Sawyer if he was ever going to tell me he liked me again. (See my blog from a couple of weeks back if you haven’t read that one where he told ME he was falling for me) He basically said no that it wasn’t fair to me or him to take our relationship to the “next level.” That he had to protect us both and saying those things would make him feel like he had to leave, that it would be “too bad” of a thing to say those things and still be married to his wife. Oookkkkaaayyy.
I reiterated again that I knew where things stand I can respect/deal with his decision to not leave her now. Now let’s put it in context. Moments before this conversation he asked me if I had big plans to go out for my first “single” weekend. I said not really and he said you should go out, flirt, and have some fun. I called him on his BS and said you don’t want me talking to other guys. He said flirting is ok; you should have fun, see what’s out there. I asked so you are ok with me hooking up with other guys? He said well I didn’t say kissing or hooking up, just flirting. So I can flirt with guys but be “faithful” to him and yet he won’t tell me he likes me? Huh?
He said if he “lets” himself start saying how he feels, it makes him feel even guiltier about the whole affair. Like its bad enough that he’s having an affair but if he expresses himself (again) that makes it worse. Plus he said he’s heard too many stories of guys who have affairs, talk about feelings (which he’s been doing all along people!) and then the girl goes crazy and starts stalking him. Whatever!
He knew I was kind of pissed in the end. I sent him an email that basically said I wanted to clear the air and said this “…I understand your reasons for not telling me that you like me or saying anything in that realm. I think it's crazy but I do respect your choice. However, I need to know that you like me, that I'm more than just a girl you screw every week or so. I'm not asking for any commitment or profession of undying love or anything, but I would like to hear every once in a while that you are digging me. Can you handle that?
I feel like I've told you a million times that I'm not banking on you changing your life or waiting around for "one day." I just want to spend what time I can with you and continue with what we have. Also, just because you don't/can't say how you are feeling, I don't want to feel like I can't say how I'm feeling. Again, not that I'm going to be writing you love poems or making you mix tapes or something, but still if the mood hits, I want to be able to say I like you without worrying you are going to clam up/freak out/start checking to see if I'm boiling bunnies in your kitchen. You get what I'm saying?
Honestly, I was upset a little when you left. It stung to hear that I would never again hear you say how you felt about me. But I can deal with it. I think I know how you feel even if you refuse to entertain me by saying it. And I think eventually I'll break ya and you'll say something anyways.”
Thoughts? Suggestions? What to do now?
In other news, Duckie is a dick – no surprise there! Apparently over the weekend he traipsed over to his parents’ house and brought home the BB gun I refused to have in the house and Leo has already gotten to hold it. Joy! And Duckie has promised Leo he can shoot it sometime soon. On and I’m an awful disrespectful person because I had the “audacity” to ask Duckie if he wanted me to send the million checked pieces of schoolwork that come home each day over to his house. How dare I think that he wouldn’t want to see every single piece of paper that comes home – now if you have school age kids, you’ll realize the ridiculousness of that statement. And one more little Duckie gem, I should read my bible more often and I should force Ladybug to have a bible story read to her before bedtime each day. WHATEVER!
Miranda
OMG he did NOT tell you to read the bible and demand you read it to your kids! Did HE ever do that with her before you split? If it was even worth your time I would try to pick parts of the bible that she could then say she learned that would mess with him. Not sure what those would be, but it would be hilarious. Or, if you were thinking of changing religions, you could tell him "Guess what I am now Sikh/Taoist/Buddhist/Hindu etc and I don't believe your bible" But that would just make him more of a dick I guess. LOL
ReplyDeleteAs far as Sawyer goes... I know you don't want to hear this but I think you need to back off that, I think. In the back of your head, do you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life with him? If not, it isn't exactly fair to make him emotionally attached to you. You will end up with a jealous psycho stalker if you DO find your soulmate. I would say just play for now- maybe take Jules advice and clear your head with another guy? Might just work! LOL
Sawyer is no good. Don't waste one of the best times of your life waiting around for him. A confused cheater isn't much of a step up from a lame duckie. Find yourself a single man that can treat you the way you deserve to be treated!
ReplyDeleteShort Girl - I bet if I had to put it at a percentage, I put Ladybug to bed 95% of her life. So no, he has no track record with reading bible stories either way. Hadn't thought of the perspective of Sawyer being teh one with an unfair emotional attachment. I'm going to have to chew on that one for a while. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? No way in hell can I answer that. You can't start a relationship the way we have and even come close to having those feelings. I'd have to actually go on a date with him to even know how much I really liked him. That's part of the issue with an affair, the time you spend together is really intense, very different from real life.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - Hilarious comment. Love the lame duckie reference. Homegirl does need to get out and see what's out there. I've seen way too many hot guys this week alone to put all my eggs in one basket no matter how hot he is...
ReplyDeleteMiranda, it sounds like you understand that your relationship with Sawyer is not exactly "real". I've discussed this with Jules before but these flings or "fwb" or "NSA" situations are basically a fantasy version of a relationship. Thus they are not real. You get all the good stuff - the friendship, some companionship (if you're lucky and have a little extra time to spare beyond just fucking each other) and then of course, you get the HOT sex. It's great...for what it is. But it's NOT real. Again, you get all the good parts of a relationship but none (usually) of the bad stuff. The getting PO'd because he didn't unload the dishwasher or take out the trash or...whatever. You don't have that "real" stuff to balance out the good parts and so it's not not realistic. I think you already know that but...just a friendly reminder to you from a male perspective.
ReplyDeleteNow, I can relate to your need to feel "liked" by the other person. I guess maybe I'm not a typical guy in that I prefer not to JUST be having sex with someone - I need to like and respect them as a person and I need to feel that back from them. When having an affair, it's a fine line to walk and tricky to make sure you don't get attached (and that they don't either) but I do think it's possible. It's not real sexy, but sometimes it helps to lay out those ground rules up front, just FYI.