Why Can't I Quit You....

So I never made a big announcement but about a week ago, I decided it was time to end things with Sawyer. I know I mentioned that the last time we were together (about 2 weeks ago) if felt like the end was nigh. Well I decided that I was tired of playing his games and that there were too many other fish in the proverbial sea to keep myself tied to him. Plus I figured we’d been in this “relationship” for almost 6 months without getting caught and surely our luck would run out soon.

So the last time he was over, I had planned to “break up” with him but I admit I don’t like confrontation and I decided to take the wimpy way out and just stop pursing him. Last Monday I only emailed him a couple times and that was simply because I was excited about my upcoming trip to Hawaii. We didn’t talk other than that and I certainly was avoiding contacting him no matter how much I wanted to. Bad habits are hard to break!

The weekend passed and this Monday who popped up emailing me like crazy…. Sawyer. He was all “I miss you baby” and “We need some time together soon.” I did respond to his emails but kept them very noncommittal. The email assault continued throughout the week. Somewhere in the last 24 hours, his emails started being queries about my dating life, particularly about Motorcycle Man (MM). I think that one that is the biggest “threat” in Sawyer’s eyes mostly because I described MM as Sawyer all grown up to Sawyer’s face. LOL! So Sawyer’s questions went from vague to direct and he started asking me if I’d slept with MM. I played off the question and reminded Sawyer that I was dating multiple people to which he queried, “So how many guys have you slept with then?”

Now, I’m not stupid. I know he’s playing a game hoping that I’ll say none so he can feel like I’m saving myself for him or some shit like that. And I’m certainly not going to discuss my private life with him. He has no authority of what I do these days, nor has he ever had any say about my personal life.

Now I am moving on from him, don’t get me wrong about that. That’s been in the process for a while; if you’ve been reading this blog you already know that. But there’s still a part of me that has feelings of some sort for him. And there’s some sick, twisted part of me that wants to keep him hanging around as a back up in case all these boys lose interest. But my intelligent, good girl side is screaming at the top of her lungs to keep this relationship a virtual friendship at best. Let’s hope her voice stays the loudest in my conscience in the days to come.

Miranda

PS: I actually wrote this blog yesterday but there’s been a new development. Feast your eyes on this email trail. It started after I finally gave in and told him I had been with someone else.

Miranda: OMG can we please beat this dead horse a little more. I said yes I had been with someone else already. Here's the deal. You know I had some potentially dangerous feelings for you. I moved out, honestly not thinking that anything more would ever happen with us but I was ok with that. Then you started encouraging me to date and then that whole "never going to tell you how I feel again" thing happened. It was a real slap in the face so to speak about our relationship. So I had to protect myself and I did get out there and I've been having a lot of fun. Things happen when you go out. I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing if things could have been different with us. But no matter what I have or haven't done, it doesn't change the way things are.

Sawyer: alright

Miranda: I love it. I type a whole paragraph and you answer with one word....

Sawyer: i did tell you to date and see other people, but, i didn’t tell you to sleep with them. i am glad you are having fun and i know it isn’t fair to you in this situation either.. but, it does hurt to know that you’ve been with someone else and in some weird way, i feel like you cheated on me. I don’t really know how to react, because i am the one that is married, not you. i know i haven’t slept with my wife in a very long time and the biggest reason was because i felt like i was stepping out on you. i know that sounds stupid, but, that’s how i feel

Miranda: I can't put my life on hold for something that's not ever going to happen, not matter how much I care about you. And I do get what you're saying because in a weird way I felt like I cheated on you. But you said we couldn't even talk about how we felt and that you were never even going to tell me that you liked me again. So what was I supposed to think/do? When you said that, you pretty much let me know exactly where we stood which was not a good feeling.
Then you come over that night, and yes, you'd been drinking, but then you blow all that to hell with the things you were saying and trying to get me to say. Emotionally, you've put me on a big roller coaster ride the last few months. If I had a choice, things would be different but I don’t.

Sawyer: i don’t expect you to put your life on hold. especially for me. but, you told me that you have fallen for me, then you slept with another guy. but, i guess your personal life in none of my business. i was really hoping that you would have said no to that question. was it 1 guy or more?

Miranda: Yeah I told you that and you said the same thing back, then like 3 weeks later you said we could never say those things again and that you'd never even tell me you liked me. What was I supposed to think? I thought you were telling me to get ready for this thing to end...

This is making me really upset. I gave you every chance in the world to ask me to be more than just a "friend" even knowing you were never going to leave the wife. Don't punish me now because of a limit you set.

I’m so pissed now and over this crap. The email exchange went on for a while and I didn’t tell him I’d actually been with two guys. I figured I’d said more than enough. Eventually he did say he was sorry for making me feel bad about everything. How can someone who is freaking cheating on his wife lecture me about seeing other guys!!!! Sawyer can kiss my ass.

Miranda