Friday, April 23, 2010

Please Speak Directly Into The Microphone

I would like to dedicate today’s post to Truck Driver and his baby arm (aka penis for those of you who don’t get my slang). So Truck Driver isn’t a big guy, he’s about 5’10 and I’d say he wears about a size 34 pants – which are baggy on him – and neither his feet or hands are unusually large. Not that this is a secret, but us women are always trying to use context clues to figure out how big a guy’s package is. Either that or we just try to accidentally brush up against it. Judging by his height and size I just wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into.

The first night we hung out there was no physical contact. We were both sort of uncomfortable and I could tell he didn’t want to freak me out by trying anything smooth. Through some flirty texting after that night, I let him know that it was ok for him to make a move. We ended up doing the deed two Sundays ago at about 11am or so - he said he wanted to work me out before I went to my soccer game and of course I obliged. In fact the workout was so intense I skipped the game all together!

I had felt his man parts the night before but hadn’t seen it yet. I could tell it was big but it was dark and I didn’t touch it for very long. Well good Lord that thing was impressive. When he pulled it out of his pants (which he did like a ninja) I was actually a little frightened. Not so much by the length or width, The Ex had a beautiful and large penis so I am used to that. It was the fact that the head of it was bigger than the shaft and not just a little bigger but a lot bigger. I had never seen a penis like it and not to sound too slutty but I’ve seen my share of penises from a very diverse group of men. I was so dumbfounded that I drew a sketch of it and showed it to my best friend to see if she had seen one like this before. I was in luck, she had seen one but only one. It was a Greek guy she dated and she said she used to tell him he had a mushroom for a penis! I told her I wasn’t sure how I was going to fit the head of that monster in my mouth so she gave me a few tips…. don’t worry I managed and he LOVED it.

The first time we had sex was good, not amazing or great but really good. The second time it was great. The third time it was amazing. Every time since then it’s gotten better. And Truck Driver definitely has a freaky side which I LOVE. I don’t get down with the sensual, candles lit, music playing, slow love making crap. I like the rough, slap my ass pull my hair variety. He loves to talk dirty and each time he comes out with something a little dirtier than the last time. It’s really hot. His only downfall is that he almost instantly goes to sleep after we finish. And I mean instantly like within 5 minutes he’s snoring. I, on the other hand, have enough energy to run a marathon and want to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes! We’re working on that though. He’s started drinking Red Bulls before we do it – I’m serious.

Army Boy told me yesterday that he might be moving to another base seven and a half hours away, he would know for sure in the next day or so. He told me it's totally up to me to decide if I still want to meet him or not. This gives me the perfect escape...but Miranda thinks I should just meet him for the hell of it, mandals and all. I messaged back and forth with the personal trainer (his nickname shall be Crossfit) for a bit, in a wine induced haze, and his last message said “We should hang out so you can make me laugh some more.” I guess drunk me is pretty funny. I haven’t written him back yet. He also told me he can bench press me with one arm. Now that’s sexy.



  1. OMG I just about died laughing at this post. Thats the hard part about reading this blog at work, I laugh hysterically and people wander by and ask me what I'm laughing at and in no way can I tell them.

  2. A good lover that gets great over a few encounters is so much more fun than a lover that's great the first time, and then gets stale after a few rendezvous.

    And mushroom heads? The best!