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Monday, June 14, 2010

To Hawaii With Love....

With all my boy crazy antics of late, I want to bring things to a more sobering level. Jules’ situation is weighing heavy on my heart. I’m sure there are people who read this blog and are shocked and frankly appalled by some of what we talk about and do and they question if the boys and sex are the only things we focus on in our lives. I can assure you it’s not.

Leaving your marriage and throwing your family into chaos is not something done on a whim or without great thought and consideration. Those of you who contemplate leaving know the stark fear you feel no matter how good or bad your marriage was/is/has been. Fear that you are doing the wrong thing. Fear at feeling like a failure because you couldn’t make your marriage work. Fear that you’re ruining your child’s life. Fear of being judged. Fear of having to justify your decision to every important person in your life. Fear that you won’t be able to “make it” on you own. Fear that every single thing in your life will be changed all because of the decision YOU alone make.

It’s rough, sobering stuff. The last four months I lived in the house with Duckie were the worst of my life. You cannot, I repeat CANNOT even fathom what it’s like unless you’ve lived it.

Having those feelings in such recent memory makes me ache for Jules. It’s an awful, dark, lonely place to be no matter how many people you have around you. Having Jules on the other fucking side of the country in the middle of the Pacific Ocean is even worse. If I could get on a plane today just to go there and give her a hug I would. I guess I’m just gonna have to wait a couple weeks till I go there or she heads back here.

Love you Jules! Day or night, anytime, you call me girl!

Miranda

2 comments:

  1. OMG that made me cry...I love you too honey and we will drink some wine in peace at this house when you come to visit in a few short weeks...I need lots of wine and hugs these days.
    Jules

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  2. I can relate! It is hard to live in those situations when everything around you is going well. But it so difficult to find any kind of balance and the slightest thing can set you off. You feel dead inside. You do feel like a failure and you feel guilty for all those you will hurt and are hurting. Jules, just don't put yourself in a violent situiation. You have both made hard decisions. I'm still struggling along with mine.

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