Please forgive me for my lack of posting lately, it is directly related to my lack of having a life outside of work lately. I have made time for a little bit of fun here and there (aka bartending with Miranda at our WORK concert event) but mainly I’ve been a ball of stress with a huge deadline looming over my head.
I’m not sure if it’s the work stress that has sent me into a downward spiral or maybe the fact that my dad’s birthday was last week (he passed away when I was 8) or maybe the fact that my car was totaled by a drunk driver or maybe the fact that I’ve been spending more time juggling boys than I have worrying about my own mental health – either way I feel a minor nervous breakdown looming on the horizon. In some ways it feels like a midlife crisis but I thought those didn’t happen to 29-year olds – maybe I’m destined to die young?
The main topic on my mind is relationships and why I can’t seem to establish one of any significance lately. I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it’s me who isn’t ready for a relationship and I keep picking guys that share that sentiment, albeit unintentionally. The Barber insists that it isn’t me that he doesn’t want to be with but that he is just bad at relationships and isn’t ready to get too serious when he only got out of a 5 year relationship a little under a year ago (about 3 months before we met). He did tell me all that up front and I truly believe him but once his feelings for me got stronger he got serious with me and then had to pull back – hence the breakup. Truck Driver claims that he is confused about what he wants (partially due to how he feels about me) and doesn’t want to hurt me by jumping into a serious relationship when he isn’t 100% ready. I’m pretty sure he isn’t over his ex either, a common variable I’ve discovered among men in my age range. The Inmate has a girlfriend (and Lord only knows who else is on his woman team) so I don’t even look at him as relationship material at all – besides the fact that my mom would have a heart attack if she ever knew I was even talking to a former felon! Crossfit basically fell off the face of the earth, after a few texting flurries I haven’t heard from him in about two weeks – but he fits my pattern of super busy guy with no time for me. I even managed to meet a guy when Miranda and I bartended VIP last week and guess what – his last girlfriend broke up with him because he didn’t have enough time for her. And he is 40 years old but that’s a topic for a different post. I also noticed myself becoming less interested in him (we’ll call him Budweiser Man) once I realized that he is totally the relationship type and if I wanted to date him it would probably have to be exclusive (Miranda calls him my own personal Motorcycle Man).
So I guess overall I’m just confused. Sometimes, like today, I wish nothing more than to have a husband and kid(s) at home waiting for me; to be done with the dating scene that is causing me so much stress. And, to be completely honest, have a husband who makes enough money so that I don’t have to work. But other times, like all this past weekend, I would rather poke my eye out with a spoon than talk to a man or much less entertain a child.
There are a variety of reasons for my hesitation and confusion - ranging from being raised by a single mom to seeing my closest friends in various stages of coupledom and their related levels of happiness. I’ve also been jaded by some of my past serious relationships. Sometimes I feel like if I reach the age of 30 and still haven’t found my soulmate that I may be out of luck. I mean you don’t hear that many stories of love at first sight between a pair of 35 year olds. People my age are already jaded towards life, all of us have had at least one terrible relationship that ruined it for our future partners. And, to be honest, if I don’t have kids soon I feel like I never will. I don’t want to be a 50 year old huffing and puffing outside trying to play with my elementary age kids. But, being an only child I feel lots of pressure from my family to give them grandchildren. OMG just typing all of this is making my anxiety level go up!
I guess I just needed to vent. I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel this way and I’m not expecting a pity party. I’m really trying to work through all this in my head to see if there are some things I can change in my life that will give me more satisfaction. Because right now I’m not satisfied. I’m not exactly sure why but I know I’m not.