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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Flaws

Today has been a very weird day...just weird. I've done a lot of reflecting today and addressing some of my anger toward Russell. We had a pretty big fight today, which we resolved...but it's so draining. I need to realize it's not my fault or his fault for that matter that he's gay. That's really why our marriage failed and we need to get past all of the other shit and just realize and accept that as the main issue. I think if I could get past the hurt and anger of this, we'd be ok. It's a hard pill to swallow, but again knowing his history I'm not sure why it's hit me as hard as it has. At any rate, we're trying really hard to make this current arrangement work, but it's been trying the last few days. One of the main issues is his decline in maturity level, which I addressed today. Since he's dating a 23 year old and his current friend on the island happens to be a 22 year old kid (that's not a sexual relationship since our 2 failed threeways with him), he's really started acting like he's in his 20s again. His whole demeanor has changed and I pointed that out today without adding the part about maybe if he hung out with people his own age, he'd resume acting his age. I suppose he's smart enough to connect the dots, but that's a large assumption these days. So there's the "marriage" update. On a very happy note, I have figured out that the MSW program I'm entering in the fall is only 2 years and not 3 and it's possible for me to test out of up to 5 classes, which could further expedite the process.
In other flaws, I've started looking at the Hungarian's since he started that I love you and want you to be my gf crap. First, he's a big alcoholic. I'm pretty sure he drinks way past the point of excess daily. Now, I realize this is a situation of the pot calling the kettle black, but I don't drink anywhere near what he does and that's saying something. He's also a little immature and does stupid annoying things...I've called them out and he's stopped, but it's just really childish stuff. Then we have the obvious one of being too clingy and professing his feelings at an entirely too early stage. I've also figured out he's a total racist. Now in his defense, he grew up in Hungary with only white people and one of his first experiences with African Americans was in Oakland...so I get it some, but really he's said some inappropriate things that make me cringe. I've also called him out on this. The last one is super shallow of me, but his nose is kind of big...I know, judge me...whatever.
His strengths are that he treats me like a total princess as I've mentioned. I mean seriously he pays for everything we do without any hesitation. He plans fun things to do. He's very sweet and attentive. He's a handsome guy (minus the nose thing) and we have a lot of similar interests. IOh and he's a really hard worker! 'm just not ready for labels. I don't want to be in a relationship that could potentially mean I have to put more effort into it than sex. Again, I know I have issues.
In more happy news, Owen is back!!! We're trying really hard right now to find a time to hook up. My schedule is fucking nuts with guests and my kid and work this week and his is as well. We're both dying to see each other - just trying to find a time to make it happen!! I hope it's very soon!
-Jules

2 comments:

  1. I guess you just gotta figure out if the good outweighs the bad. I mean you're not trying to marry the dude so if the good stuff is good enough to tolerate some of the bad, I say keep playing! Otherwise, cut him and run girl!

    Miranda

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  2. Well last night after I finished this blog, he started texting me and asked why I'd left on Sunday. I told him it just felt like it was time and he had things to do that I didn't want to do, etc. He basically called me out on it and said I was afraid to spend 3 days in a row with him. I told him that was a large part of it and that I'm not ready to be his girlfriend and I actually told him I have commitment issues...it didn't seem to deter him. I hope he re-reads those this AM though and backs off a little. I'm supposed to go over Wednesday night, but we'll see what tone our conversations take before that.
    -Jules

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