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Saturday, June 26, 2010

Do You Ever?

I sometimes step outside of myself and think how did I get here? How did I get to the point in my life? Where were the pivotal points? What choices lead me to where I am now? I've been doing a lot more of this lately due to my current situation, obviously. I started therapy on Thursday in an effort to find a way to co-exist here in this house with Russell for the next 2 years, get my bills paid, and find a way not to kill him in the process. Bert, my therapist, has his job cut out for him...although he doesn't seem to think so. I went into his office Thursday morning and basically spilled it. I told him about my relationship with Russell, the physical fight last week, throwing his shit out, cheating on him, my substance use habits of late, my drinking, and a Reader's Digest version of my family history...oh and yes, I did throw in my profession (which is social work...lol). Do you know what the man told me? He said there's nothing wrong with me, but I just need to learn to cope with my reactions to things (especially Russell). Russell was pretty pissed I didn't leave with a DSM-IV diagnosis, but I've told him for years there's not a code for bitch. It was an interesting appt though. Bert's catch phrase is "The mystery lies in the history." I love this. From where I stand now, it's funny and sadly true BUT omg I plan to use it as my own one day. Basically, Bert summed up for me that when we react to things that upset us, we tend to go the way our parents reacted. We basically all grow up into some watered down version of them. This is so very true in my case, especially at the moment. Anyway, I was given about a million pamphlets that Bert has authored and will be going back in 2 weeks.
Last night, Andy texted me asking if I was busy. He couldn't get a flight out yesterday, so he wasn't leaving until today. I'd already talked to Gavin though and we had plans, so I told him I was going out with one of my girlfriends. He just got back from deployment to find out that his gf had cheated on him, so I'm not being overly honest at the moment. I know that's bad, but by the time he gets back from this month of leave I really should have Gavin way out of my system by then. Anyway, he asked if the gf knew about him and I said no, but I did tell one from back home. He sent me another text saying he just wondered where he stood with me. I told him that I really liked him (b/c I do), but that I was just getting out of a relationship (as is he) and I thought that once he got back, we should totally keep hooking up and see where things go, but to not have any huge expectations. He agreed and said that he's newly single, wants to stay that way for a while (doubt it), and doesn't like sleeping around...so he'll let me know as soon as he's back.
As I was laying in bed with Gavin last night listening to him talk to his gf (after she called 3 times in a row and I insisted he take the freaking call), who basically called to tell him in so many words that she'd hooked up with some guy that night in CA, I had another one of those "How did I get here?" moments. Why am I blowing off this total hottie with some potential for this guy? Yet as I sit here, I know that Gavin and I have plans to hang out tonight too and when he calls...there I go. What's my weakness? Men...my ode to Salt N Pepa...and a shout out with my age. ;)

-Jules

1 comment:

  1. The mystery is in the history? I'm gonna have to marinate on that one. My mom tends to fly off the handle and scream and try to force you to feel/think/act the way she does. My dad internalized everything and you never knew what was really going on in his head. I definitely lean his way. Hmmmmmm.

    BTW - I frequently find myself thinking "How did I get here?" or "Is this really my life?"

    Miranda

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