This has been a very out of sorts week, a definite roller coaster ride of emotions. I know Gwyn and Jules have had crazy weeks too so maybe it’s something in the air or getting near a weird phase of the moon or something?
Clearly from my last post I was feeling a little conflicted to have “feelings” for more than one boy. I’m still feeling that way though I think I have them sorted out a bit more in my head. And, I don’t really understand why all the sudden I’m feeling the need to “choose” one over the others. WTF? I must be falling prey to societal expectations this week or some crap like that. Like Gwyn said, maybe I’ve just been spending so much time juggling boys that I’m not taking care of my own mental health or really probing what’s going on inside.
Monday evening I just got in the foulest mood. I was just suddenly and irrationally angry at my life and the way it’s turned out. I was pissed I’d wasted (though I can’t say it was entirely wasted I mean I got my amazing kids) 10 years of my life with Duckie trying to make him something he was never going to be, pissed I’m going to have the title of “divorcee” in 9 short months (though it was my choice), and pissed that here I am starting over my life at 33. It was weird and random and the kids could just feel the anger coming off my skin.
I took them to dinner and I have to admit, though I’m all “single woman hear me roar” there’s not much more depressing than sitting by yourself as the only adult at the table with your kids. It’s not that I don’t enjoy their company because they are awesome kids but it’s that never-ending role of “parent on duty” and the lack of adult conversation that hits the hardest. Strangely I’m fine when it’s just me by myself but when it’s me with the kids I miss the lack of adult companionship the most.
I texted with Jules while we ate and that lightened my mood a bit and then College Crush saved the day by teasing and joking me the rest of the way out of the funk. But then the funk has made the rest of this week just feel unsettled.
After my weird family date with Lawyer Boy last week, we haven’t talked much. Most of that time he was at the beach though. Yesterday I gave in and called him to see what he was thinking about the weekend. These boys need to understand my boy scheduling issues! I can’t wait till the last minute to make plans!
He was rambling on talking about law and the bar exam and my short temper flared up and I totally cut him off mid-sentence and pretty much demanded to know what our plans were. LOL poor guy! He was definitely taken aback by my attitude. I think I probably owe him an apology. Basically, I ended up telling him I was making plans to go out with friends (aka College Crush) on Saturday so if he wanted to see me Friday night was his chance. LB said he definitely wanted us to spend some time together Friday night and then went into his 500th recitation of how “he feels bad he doesn’t have the time or attention to devote to me right now because of studying for the bar.” Now I appreciate hearing that, and I totally get/support/cheer on his efforts to pass the bar. That being said, he’s said this to me so many times and so many times I’ve said “Dude. It’s fine! I get it! It’s ok!” that I’m starting to get a little sick of it. It’s making me wonder if he has some sort of confidence issues or something. Here again I got short with him and caught him off guard and said something to the effect of “LB I’ve told you 125 times I understand and I’m ok. Can we just move past that?” Like I said, I think I owe him an apology. But given my current mood, it might be smart just to text him one.
College Crush has been hard-core texting me all week slipping in some honeys and babys along the way which makes me laugh. He’s coming up Saturday to spend the day/night with me. I know we’re going out to eat and we’re planning to lounge by the pool but other than that, we don’t have definite plans and with him, I’m ok with that. We can just chill together unlike LB who is seriously ADD and needs to be entertained/doing something all the time. I’m looking forward to spending more time with College Crush and seeing where this thing is headed.
In other boy news, the Giant is finally back from his military training and he wants to do something sometime soon. I almost feel like it’s my patriotic duty to show him a good time before he leaves HAHAHA! Sawyer will be back from his little vacation with the wife tomorrow so we shall see where things go with that. I’m trying to recommit to my commitment not to see him anymore. I think it’s the smart thing to do for about a million reasons, most of which I’ve hashed out here before. And randomly, I had the dumbest five-minute conversation with FJB last night on Facebook. It was the vaguest and most generic conversation I’ve had in my whole life. I was just about to say that very thing to him when my internet crapped out and I didn’t bother trying to get back online.
I need to shake myself out of this funk!