Dating After 40: Do Any of Us Really Know What We Are Doing?

So crazy Toe Boy of the “I hope you don’t think I’m paying for it all” incident is still up my ass – figuratively, not literally ha-ha. He is not giving up; this fool really thinks he has a shot? Oh, and I got further proof that he’s a spoiled little rich boy – he drives a freaking Honda S2000! I actually asked him if he was such a spoiled little rich boy why he didn’t pay for dinner, his response “It wasn’t the right thing to do.” WTF! Stupid little rich boy. Oh and on top of that, he told me this weekend he thinks we should have a baby together. Yes, a baby! LMFAO! Now I know you are wondering why I continue to talk to him after his deplorable manners, well he’s just fun to mess with folks. I like to get him all riles up talking about us one day having a threesome just to get him to admit he likes boys. It’s fucked up. I know! But fun! In other and more exciting man news, I’ve been chatting again with Texas who is so dreamy. Even if we never meet, he’s revived my ho...

I saw Owen today...OMG he has ruined me for other men. I mean ruined . I worked out this AM and was a little leary about him coming over for fear I would be tired or sore. The endorphins must have still been up b/c holy mother of god he brought his "A" game. How in the crap am I ever going to find someone that measures up to this performance level?? For those of you that wonder if I have feelings for him and/or wonder/hope he will leave his wife one day, rest assured. I could never, ever "date" him or live with him b/c it would totally ruin this level of sex. We don't have bf/gf sex. We have super hot, 'I don't know your mother', 'I don't have to pick up your socks', 'I don't have to talk to you about the bills, house, kids, etc.' kind of sex. No...I never, ever want him to leave his wife/kids...ever. No word from Gavin since last Thursday...pretty happy about that. Owen said today "I hope I don't know any of your n...

I’m very pleased to report that the visit with my mother-in-law has been uneventful and pleasant. She has been helpful and also very non-judging of us. The first night she was here, she thanked me for marrying Russell. I think she was afraid that I would be “divorcing” her too, which I assured her isn’t the case. She’s not always my favorite person, but she is Chloe’s grandmother. She has asked me several times if I think “we’ll find our way back to each other” over these next three years of co-existing. I told her that I think that ship has sailed. I love Russell, but I’m not in love with him anymore. We’ve both changed and again…he’s GAY. Russell told her I was pissed she hadn’t called and she actually addressed it by telling me the other night that she just didn’t know what to say. I suppose I understand that. I don’t think anyone in that family has ever gotten divorced…they just die. In other news, Russell and I are “discussing” what to do with Chloe this summer. My job is no long...

So I know I left you with a teaser the other day, let me share the details. Friday morning, Sawyer came over for an early morning visit (4 am – seriously early but hey he goes to work early so…). We actually got some good time together and my sappy self will admit it was really nice to have a warm body to curl up next to in the bed. We did our thing, hung out for a while, talked, etc. He asked if I had any plans for later and I told him the truth, I had a date and hopefully one the next day as well. He did his normal acting like it was awesome I was going out and that it was no big deal. So time came to say goodbye and I did the gentlemanly thing (haha) and walked him to the door. He kissed me goodbye and then said something that distinctly sounded like “Love Ya.” WTF! I didn’t respond, I’m not stupid folks. I just acted like I didn’t hear anything and told him to drive safely. Yeah, not gonna touch that one with a 10 foot pole. And like I don’t know that he was saying that...

Since the whole Gavin thing has been a wash, I've decided to start shopping around for someone else. You know my theory...best way to get over one is with another...not that I have much to get over b/c WTF was I thinking?! (Rhetorical question btw) Tonight, I was bored and decided to see what was going on with Craig's List (CL) these days. I found some freaking hilarious stuff that was too good...could NOT resist sharing. For the record, I didn't respond to these. I'm sure you guys think my standards are in the toilet, so I feel compelled to clarify even I have limits. ;) "Inmate looking for Penmate" ad I am incarcerated in Arizona at the present time with many other inmates from Hawaii. Due to lack of space on Oahu, the state flies us here until we are almost ready to become free again. I will be FREE AGAIN in 5 months time. I am in prison for a burglary charge and I have paid my dues. Now I am ready to make a new start and am looking for the right woman ...

Just had to share this lovely story. So a girl I work with, wonderful sweet kind hearted couldn't ask for a better person to work with girl, she lost her grandmother to a long battle with cancer this past Saturday. They were very close and she's been understandably upset. So the service was Tuesday and then she came back to work yesterday. Right at the end of the day, she got a call saying her father was found dead in his home. Looks like he overdosed, intentional or not remains to be seen. So she's clearly devastated. I emailed Duckie this morning to see if he could check about Leo going to camp next week since it's spring break and I was going to take the week off to be with him but in light of the work situation, I'll only be taking part of the week. See this email trail. I mean really.... Miranda - I just can't believe it. I can't imagine losing a grandparent and then a parent just a few days later. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not ...

I'm totally ripping off this title from an awesome book. You should go NOW and read it, if you haven't already. Anyway, crazy came my way today and I've decided FWB ain't worth it. Gavin called me at 8am. I ignored his call as I had just rolled out of bed and I don't believe in talking to people before caffeine has hit my body. I can't be trusted with the words that leave my mouth before then. He called again at 9:15am...I was working out with Damien and let it go to VM. He called again at 11:30am. I had just taken a bong hit (yes, it's part of the workout plan on non-Chloe days) and was choking on smoke but thought it would be hilarious if Damien answered my phone. He did and Gavin fumbled hard core. I felt sort of bad for fucking with him, but I rec'd an email from Damien yesterday telling me to RUN the opposite direction of this situation before I get hurt and/or involved in more than I had intended to with the ex still being around. I called him ba...

So crazy how in a short few weeks my life is all about boys, boys, boys. Plenty of Fish proves to be fruitful mating grounds. I’ve connected with several different guys off there who have some great potential and even a couple who cause to me do a “girly squeal” after talking to them. Here’s my man rundown for this week…. Sawyer – What to do, what to do. We’re still talking, though not as much as before. I think my attention is so swayed to corresponding with all these new boys that I don’t have as much time for him. However, being with him it comfortable, safe even. I’m not trying to prove anything with him anymore at least. It’s weird how my illicit affair has turned into my comfort zone! On some weird level, I actually feel more guilty about the affair now that I’m single than I did before. It’s hard to explain. It’s like before, the illusion of us one day being “together” was just that, an illusion. So the guilt could be squashed in some way. Now that one of us is fr...

Gavin called me today and asked if he could come over this afternoon around lunchtime. I agreed and we kind of discussed things as they stand with us at this moment. It seems he can't handle anything more than a FWB situation, which in all honesty is about all I'm good for at the moment myself. Things in my own life are so upside down that I really am not sure I want to add anything more than sex to it. Things are not settled with his ex, but I don't care b/c I did decide since the last time that I saw him that I really don't want to be in a serious relationship with him. We have very little in common other than sex. You know almost all of his character flaws (so you see why I feel this way). He has the emotional maturity of a 15 yr old. I think I was initially enamored by him b/c he's the exact opposite of Russell. I have since decided that those opposite things aren't really things I want in a boyfriend...ever...other than being straight. ;) So you may be aski...

I talked myself into telling Chloe about the divorce today at work. I even talked Russell into it as well. We were set to come home and break the news, which we both suspect she may already have some idea of. Then, we wimped out. Immediately, I started feeling horrible about having to tell her this news. While I am so happy about it, I feel like my happiness is going to flip her entire world upside down. Yes, I know that the happier we are...the better parents we will be, but damn the maternal guilt. Sometimes this really does feel like an insanely selfish plan...I'm not regretting my decision, I'm just saying. Russell apparently had the day from hell and Chloe had an awesome day today. She got promoted another grade level in Reading groups and Russell thought this would not be the best day to tell her. He said we shouldn't ruin her success with our news. I think this was an excuse, but timing is everything and our timing wasn't on it tonight. We may do it tomorrow or ...

Yesterday proved to be a strange one. It started out fine, but the evening was just plain weird. (I need to consult a thesaurus for another word other than weird, but for now I’m sticking with it.) At dinner Chloe asked us about the new house and the bedroom situation. The house that we are moving into is a 4bdrm house. We are turning 1 bdrm into a walk in closet/storage and the others will be ours respectively. We showed her the house last week and which room would be hers. We didn’t really discuss the other rooms, but I did tell her that the master bedroom would be mine when she asked if it could be hers. I say that our bedroom now is mine though, so I didn’t really put much thought into my verbiage. I guess I should have b/c the kid is onto us. She grilled us on which room would be mine and which one would be Russell’s. She wasn’t upset about it, but just very curious. She said that her mind is spinning with all the changes and the move. (Mine is too!) Russell put her off last nigh...

So I have a sinking suspicion my relationship with Sawyer is winding down. Aside from the recent emotional drama, I get the feeling he’s pulling back. Obviously not being next-door neighbors has limited our “PG” contact but we’re still doing the email thing. Just feels that our relationship has reached a different level. Maybe it’s because I’m actually interested in other guys and spending time flirting/playing/going out. Maybe my eyes are just finally open and instead of focusing on him all the time, my loyalties are definitely divided. The weird thing is that I feel like I just finally got my feet back on the ground with him emotionally. I don’t know. I can’t quite decide how I feel if things are coming to an end either. I asked him about the taking the ring off thing and he said it just makes him feel better to be with me without that on his hand. Ok, sure, whatever you say. I also asked him if everything was “ok” between us and he said absolutely. Maybe it’s just weir...

Miranda, my dear friend, I am sure that moving between single and mom mode is in fact very strange. I have at least 3 years before I make that transition, but I know one day it's coming my way! Today was strange here too, but for very different reasons. I discovered today that Russell is a tad bit jealous. I knew that he was jealous of Owen. He told me that months ago. He said that the whole situation made him feel like less of a man...all the while he was fucking some other men up the ass, so whatever. I went to town today to pick up a sofa (the aforementioned fight sofa) from CL. I told Russell that I was getting this and we were discussing delivery. The guy I bought it from is delivering it to our current house, but we haven't arranged a way to get it from here to the new house yet. I mentioned that Gavin has a giant truck and would probably be willing to help us. He immediately fired back that he was "not comfortable" with that since I'm sleeping with him. H...

Today has been a weird transition day. The kids came back to stay with me and it’s just been odd reacquainting myself with motherhood. It’s like these few past days of singledom have altered my patterns and I’m struggling to remember what it’s like to be all consumed by children. The first week of freedom was so overwhelmed with emotions and taking care of final details for the apartment, I don’t think I realized what an adjustment I was making. Becoming “single” Miranda has been weird. For 10 years, I’ve been the career woman/suzy homemaker, lol, well at least as much as I could be. After my daily rhythm of get up, get the kids ready, go to work, work, come home, cook dinner, get the kids to bed, this new single life is quite different. I don’t have to cook if I don’t want to. When I do cook, I can eat whatever the freak I want. I don’t have to clean up nearly as much, dirty dishes can pile up in the sink/dishwasher for days before I have to do anything about them. Get up w...

Old dogs DO NOT learn new tricks. I'm almost 34 years old...I know this...so why in the hell do I keep taking Gavin's calls?? He called me again today (really surprised by this given my attitude toward him yesterday). I was at work, so I couldn't really talk. He asked if I'm interested in hanging out with him still and I said "Hmm...I think maybe". Well what kind of crazy ass answer is that?? If a guy said that to me, I'd be all like "WTF ever...". He seemed to enjoy that response. I see some potential in him, but again...old dog, new tricks. Now I think I may be blinded by the fact that sex could be RIGHT out of my front door...literally. If only it didn't come with all the baggage and bullshit...I know I should RUN the other way. -Jules PS I am totally having to blow off Monday night date guy. I put him off on Wednesday because I just wasn't feeling it. Tonight I blew him off and said we might have friends coming over for dinner...tot...

He's a physical therapist - think good hands - and, wait for it.....he's a licensed massage therapist! I just may marry this man! LOL! Miranda

Boys are so much fun. Before I forget again, I meant to mention that I realized that Sawyer took off him wedding band the other day before he came to see me. I called him out on it and he just gave me this sheepish grin. Too funny. It feels good to have my feelings for him firmly back in control, well for this week anyways haha! So I really feel like I’ve hit the ground running boy wise. I swear some days it’s hard to get much done for all the chatting, talking, and texting I’m doing lol! Crazy Date Boy is still slinking around like a beaten puppy, trying to talk to me via chat and the occasional text. I’m being nice but I sure hope he isn’t holding his breath! Toe Boy /potential gay best friend is still hitting me up. He’s fun but I’m not ever going to go there. Kane ’s out of town so not much new there. But for Texas , the lovely Texas of the hilarious deer story. We have new developments. So we’ve been chatting like crazy via the web, mostly late into the night. And...

I went to work out with Damien again today. He's really kicking my ass...hard core, but it's good. I'm just super sore. I have noticed that it's like totally boosted my self esteem though (even after 2 days of it and despite the fact that I'm puttering around like I'm 80 b/c any greater movement causes me to almost pass out from the pain). I think that comes from his praise of my efforts and ability. He keeps telling me that I'm way more athletic than I give myself credit for. Now if you know me, I'm sure you are doubled over in hysterics. Anyway, it's all working for me right now. Gavin called me today while I was over there. I think he has some weird 6th sense about when I'm with Damien. He calls me a lot during that time and really I don't spend that much time with him. Anyway, we chatted for a while and he starts telling me some shit about his ex. I bluntly told him (again) that I don't know what to say when he brings that stuff up. ...

Since I told Russell that I want a divorce, he's decided to start asserting himself. I'm proud of him on some levels, because he hasn't done this in over a decade BUT on other levels it's annoying the piss out of me. For example, he often disagrees with me just for the sake of disagreeing and then comes around to agree with me after several hours of trying to stand his ground. This happens a lot! I have a 6 yr old daughter...do I really need someone else living with me that does the exact same thing to me ALL the time?! OMG, pass the wine. Last week it was over which house to rent. He wanted a smaller, cheaper house that was just impractical based on the fact that 3 people will be living in this place. Obviously, I won this one almost immediately when I pointed out that he was just disagreeing with what I wanted simply for the sake of it, to which he admitted was correct. Today's argument (that of course resulted in my way) was about furniture for the new place. H...

I got played I admit it. Sawyer suckered me right in but I knew I was getting played so does that really count? I think not and this is my post so I rule! LOL! Seriously though, Sawyer squirmed his way over here after my date got rescheduled with Kane . He had something to prove and he did let me tell you what. I may have to keep him jealous for a while. I feel like I have my feet back on the ground with him emotionally which is good. I think all the other boy attention just has my head spinning and makes me remember that there’s a whole wide world out there. But I’m still a puss of enough to admit that if he busted out with the fact that he was leaving his wife, I’d totally date him. Whatever! I can admit that in the relative anonymity of this blog! Quick man update – Crazy Date Boy came back licking my feet today. I am shunning him in large part but the teeny soft part of me was nice enough to give him a few minutes of chat this afternoon. Texas is still making me laugh...

I heard this song on the way to work twice today on 2 different radio stations. When I was about 16 or 17, I distinctly remember walking into the kitchen and my mother telling me that this song should be my theme song. She never was a big fan of my promiscuity. I think she meant it as an insult, but I took it by the horns and IT has been my theme song every since, much to her dismay. We rented the house today behind Gavin. I wonder how that will all play out. Stay tuned for what is sure to be some interesting material. -Jules

So very little contact with Sawyer today. He works in a “plant” so some days we can’t do the whole email thing. Though he did send me an email this afternoon saying too bad I had a date for Wednesday night because he was planning to come by. Dude! I totally know he’s playing the “will she cancel her plans for me” game. The pathetic thing is that I want too. Must be strong! Must fight the kitty! Haha! I’m supposed to see Kane tomorrow night but I may have to bypass him for Sawyer. I’ll feel bad but I think Kane is just looking for a little fun so I don’t think he’ll be devastated if I delay our meeting. Crazy Date Boy , I had to dump him today. He was just over the top and too intense. A lack of confidence is so unattractive. There is such a thing as being too available you know and he was practically moved in and living with me. Sheesh! Now he’s sending me emails, texts, and IMs like he’s a wounded puppy. Reminds me of a certain young man named Duckie …. Speaking of ...

Last night I had my date with the Plenty of Fish guy. He's 26, military, been married before, and is a red head...none of which is really my type. I had enjoyed texting with him yesterday at work, so I felt pretty good about meeting him though. The 1st bar we went to was super packed, so we left and went to Breakers. We had a nice time talking, but honestly there wasn't much chemistry there. It was a pretty boring date, yet I think I agreed to go out with him again tomorrow night. Now, the bartender at Breakers last night was SMOKING HOT. He will be mine. ;) I started working out today with Damien. OMG he pushed me SO hard...I feel old and broken. He's convinced me though that while I've lost a lot of weight, I must tone it up...admittedly there are still jiggly parts that need it. We did a lot of weight training and then I went for a power walk on the beach. Who thought I'd ever be doing this?! While we were working out, I missed a call about the new house. So, n...

So after parrying back and forth all day with Sawyer I’m no closer to a conclusion about our situation. Whatever. We agreed to not keep any “secrets” from each other but no way am I going into detail about my social activities with him. Whatever. I’m peeved! I think he’s just trying to keep me at arms length. He better be careful or I’m just going to walk away and he’ll be stuck with his bitchy little wife and his “unhappy” life all alone. Yeah I know. Big talk for someone who will run back towards him next time he calls. In other news, I had to tell Crazy Date Boy to chill the freak out. He’s been all over me today with text and chat. I told him basically, and very nicely, to grow a pair and realize that I’m not some little single chick ready to make some guy I just met the center of my whole world. I have complications. I have kids, a job, and a life. A new guy comes way way down on my list these days. Much less a new guy who’s a midget. Haha. I am meeting up with Kan...

I’ve stepped off the roller coaster ride that is Gavin. I’m proud of myself, don’ t know how long it will last…especially if we move in behind him…but today I remain off it. Since I quit seeing Owen for all of what 12 hours, I’m not feeling so strong in my resolve on this one but I’m taking the addict’s approach…one day at a time. Someone told me one time that I’m a sex addict. I suppose there are FAR worse things that I could be addicted to given my family history, so if its sex and I’m protected than I’m good. Miranda and I were just discussing how much better sex is in our 30s. I swear what “they” say about women hitting our peak now is very true. I mean I’ve always LOVED it, hence the aforementioned sentences, but it’s just so much more intense now. I have a date tonight with a guy I met on Plenty of Fish. We are meeting for drinks. He was raised in Texas as a Pentecostal. The Texans love themselves some Jesus, but he said he hasn’t been in church since he left…so here’s hoping he...

Quick Sawyer update. After waiting to hear back about my “throwing down the gauntlet” email, I got up this morning to find this email in my in box. Sawyer: “How was your date?” Now, I’m glad it was irking him that I went out but come on! No response to my other email. Me: “It was fine. Do you have nothing to say about that other email I sent?” Then I forwarded that freaking email again with a little note “In case you ‘cant’ find the email.” Sawyer: “I read it.” I mean really! Homeboy is about to get a boot in his ass. Me: “And….” Sawyer: “I understand where you are coming from, but, I can’t do that. Not right now anyway.” Me: “I don’t think you understand what I was saying in that email.” Sawyer: “I understand what you were saying in the email… and its fine if you tell me how you feel, I am just keeping mine inside for a while. And I’m not mad you went out.” AGGGGHHHHHHHHH! Boys never get it do they? Back to playing the game… Miranda PS - Crazy Date B...

Just a quick update. Crazy Date Boy is hot for me and more than a little over the top. I think he's texted me 5-6 times and called me twice today. Sheesh! Bless him. He's just really sweet but I'm like hello, I've been single for one week dude, I'm not ready to be your giant girlfriend yet (remember he's a shorty). I even told him the full story yesterday including details about my relationship with Sawyer . Just wanted to see if it was a dealbreaker with him. Clearly it's not. Very interesting... He wants to go ahead and plan a date for next Friday. I've given him the whole "maybe but I may already have plans. just waiting for confirmation on those plans" excuse. I would like to go out with him again but he needs a big old dose of reality. I did tell him via text that my life is complicated right now and I'm not rushing into things. He needs to know a little confidence goes a long way. Of course who am I to bitch about a li...

Have you guys noticed how hard it is to comment on here?? I just do comments under anonymous and I have to try to comment like 3 times before it goes through...maybe it's a user error, but a married friend of ours commented on it too. She thought it was because she's married, we had blocked her...lmao. We did not. If you have the patience you can all comment, but if you know a way to remedy this please share it! No other news to report...it's been a quiet weekend. I needed a quiet weekend to find some perspective. I'm feeling good about how life has been flowing these last few days and while I really like Gavin, these days of quiet have sort of reaffirmed my belief that he's not the one for me right now. When it's on, it's just too intense. I'm happy, but not in a healthy way that I should be if that makes any sense at all and when it's not, I'm sad. I don't need that right now, seriously. There is just no balance with him...hot or cold (lit...

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, something crazy is going on. Not only do I have people trying to fix me up left and right, but I swear everywhere I go there are hot guys and guys trying to chat me up! Just last night I was talking on the phone with one guy, emailing with another, and simultaneously holding 3 different chat conversations. All legit too! Ridiculous! I still have not heard back from Sawyer in regards to my “laying down the law” email. I did see him today, it was Leo’s birthday party and Sawyer brought his kids and wife – eek! Ha, seriously, I sidled up to him and asked if he was ignoring me. After giving me one of his hot trademark winks, he said quite eloquently, “Huh?” Apparently he’s been in training the last two days at work and couldn’t get on his work email. Doesn’t exactly explain why he didn’t check his personal email but whatever. I believe he hasn’t read the email, he’s smooth but I don’t think he could play that off exactly. So the party ...

What to freaking do with men? I went out with Mr. Friday Night Date guy again last night. I don't think I ever assigned a name to him and I'm definitely not now. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong...but he's about as exciting as watching paint dry. Last night, I honestly wished I'd just stayed home. I got my acceptance letter to UH last night for my MSW and Russell was so sweet. He chilled a really nice bottle of wine and made a great dinner to celebrate. He and his friend, Brian, were hanging out here watching a movie and drinking a new drink they made up...would have been more fun. What does it say that I'd rather hang with Russell than go out with some of these guys? LOL...no, I'm so NOT still in love with him, but I do immensely enjoy his company (at times). Now if it had been Gavin, I'd have way more enjoyed going out. I wish I didn't like him so much. Here's the latest Gavin update. Thursday we had an awesome day, but I haven't hea...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? LOL...ok yesterday was a crazy emotional day. I was super pissed at Gavin and super freaked out about my period. I started my period as you poor readers are all well aware. Then about 5:30, Gavin called. I was watching TV with Russell and just let it go to voice mail. He called back about 45 minutes later and I did the same thing. Finally, I caved and called him. It seems he had spent the day with Damien and Damien talked some sense into him. He and Gavin's roommate both hammered into Gavin what a whackjob this ex is and that I'm seemingly normal (haha...fooled them!). So, I went over there last night and hung out. We got pissy drunk together and had some fun...woke up sideways in the bed on top of each other at 4am when my alarm went off. (I have to get up at 4am on the nights I spend the night over there so that I can get home before Russell leaves for work and/or Chloe wakes up.) I really hope we move into that house behind his because it will make al...

So today has been both great and totally annoying. I’m still flying high on a freedom trip. Hot guys everywhere I go. It’s like the veil has been lifted and I see the possibilities all around the world. On to the great/annoying stuff. I had an unexpected chance to see Sawyer today, first time at the new place. Always lots of fun and it was nice to actually be able to relax and hang out for a change instead of listening for a car door, waiting for a phone call, or just generally being on edge about getting caught. We spent a couple great hours together and then this conversation took place. Let me first and foremost say I’m an emotional cutter folks. I admit it. I love to pick at emotional things even when they end up hurting me in the end. PLEASE NOTE I AM REFERRING ONLY TO CUTTING EMOTIONS - NOT MYSELF. (had a very concerned text from Jules asking about that haha)So after all was said and done, I asked Sawyer if he was ever going to tell me he liked me again. (See my blog ...

Well one of the areas of my current crappy situation improved today…I started!! I’ve never thought that I would 1. Blog about my period before and 2. Be so freaking relieved to be bleeding. Why it was 32.5 hours late I don’t know…but thankfully it’s here. I realized today I seriously was praying for it to start. This is funny b/c I don’t know who I was praying to being an atheist and all…but the universe heard me. I literally did a happy dance in our work bathroom. I hope no one was outside the door. ;) -Jules

This is pretty much how I feel about my life lately. I feel like everything is just so damn chaotic and up in the air and just fucked up. Right now I'm at work PRAYING for my period to start. I'm a day late. This may not seem like a big deal to the rest of the world, but you can set a clock by my cycle. The last time I was late, Chloe showed up BUT I was off the pill then. I take the pill religiously. I never skip days, I take it at the same time every day...and it's NEVER failed me in almost 20 years of having sex. I'm hoping it's just the current stress of my life that's causing this, though I've been through some pretty stressful stuff in my life before this and it's never mattered, but I guess I do have a lot going on right now. This is a particularly horrible feeling. I mean if I am pregnant, obviously I would have an abortion, but I'd just rather not. I can't help but think this is karma biting me in the ass either way it goes, even if it...

It’s official. We signed our final legal separation papers today. No more changing the agreement. No more backing me up against a wall. No more Ms. Nice Guy for me if I don’t want to. Thank heavens! Feeling like Duckie had everything hanging over my head has sucked and made me feel entirely helpless – a state I do NOT enjoy. We actually rode over to the attorney’s office today together. Kind of weird thing to do but whatever. He suggested it. When we left the office, the attorney said “nice seeing you both again.” Not sure that was quite appropriate for the situation but it made me laugh. Tomorrow is the first change over day with the kids. I’m more than a little anxious about that. It is going to feel weird to be away from them for more than a couple of nights but I guess I better get used to it. This anxiety and worry probably led me to do the next crazy thing I’m going to tell you. Following Jules’ advice, I put a very brief and actually somewhat boring listing on Crai...

After seeing Gavin while Russell and I were looking at a house, I've been sort of stewing. I finally broke down and called him simply because the not knowing wtf was driving me nuts. He immediately knew why I was calling and apologized for not calling me. He said that since we had sex his ex has been calling non-stop and he just doesn't know what he wants to do. I told him I wished he'd figured that out BEFORE we had sex and that was part of the reason why I had made him wait (not entirely true...but whatever). He said the sex was great and he doesn't like to sleep around, but he apparently can't decide if he wants to be single and see me or go back to this woman. I told him it sounded like he needs to figure his shit out and call me when he decides. I wasn't all nice about it either...I was very firm and almost bitchy. I told him I thought he was being rude and disrepectful and that I didn't want to jump into a relationship with him, but he could at least s...

I'd walk over hot coals in bare feet before I ever told him this, but omg he's amazingly awesome at sex...consistently...every single time. I have never, ever left him feeling less than completely content. So, why am I posting about Owen when just like 2 days ago I was raving about Gavin? Gavin has got my shit twisted up and I don't particularly like this feeling. Sunday I went over to his house to hang out again that night after he got back from the track. I finally caved and had sex with him. He hasn't called me since. It's Tuesday morning here and I'm more than a little put out by it. I'm going to give him a minute since I know he's working a really labor intensive job that is long hours in town right now, but wtf? I always find the best way to get your head straightened out about one guy is to fuck another one. Crude, yes...but men do it and I swear it works. I just had some freaking hot sex with Owen and honestly if Gavin calls, great...if not, what...

Tonight Duckie came over to the apartment for dinner. I could tell he was very curious to see just where I landed. It was awkward, I kid you not. I showed him around the place with the kids very intentionally leaving a tour of my room out of the loop (though I saw him creep over that way later on). He was definitely sizing up the place. Think he expected/wanted it to look less put together or something. He finally muttered "nice place" before we had dinner. It was definitely uncomfortable and a little strained. We are supposed to sign the final separation papers tomorrow. It will be good to have that behind us and I will finally feel like I don't have to compromise with everything he wants cause the deal will be official. He stayed for a while after dinner just hanging out with the kids. I could tell they were really happy to see him and when he said it was time to leave, they both asked him to stay for a while longer. They both even said can't you move i...

Ok, I know when I last posted I was pretty pissed about him seeing the ex. It turned into a good thing. He went and he said that the 15 minutes he was there were 15 very miserable minutes. Damien said he needed to go just to make sure there was closure there. I would have thought the restraining order was his sign, but whatever. I personally think I was placing a lot of the shit that had happened the previous night with Russell onto what Gavin was saying...if that makes any sense. So Gavin calls me yesterday at 3pm and I let it go to voice mail, because honestly I'd dropped Chloe off for a sleepover and had gone over to a friend's house for a little smoke and I didn't trust myself to chat with him at that point. He called back about an hour later though and I took that call. He asked me if I wanted to come hang out that night, to which I responded "Sure, but I'm at the beach with Damien right now and when I'm done I need to go home and shower, so I'll call...

So my first full day as a “single” person. Pretty quite over here. Just me and the kids. I am exhausted, more tired than I can ever remember feeling in my entire life. I think the stress and pressure that I’ve been carrying around has finally left me and I’m just wiped out. Today has been an interesting array of emotions. Waking up and feeling peace knowing that I didn’t have to worry about fighting and nasty words; feeling exhausted and alone wishing someone would take Leo and Ladybug and tie them up as they ran rampant around the apartment; feeling sad thinking about how much my life has changed and how I never imagined myself in this position; feeling exhilarated at all the possibilities that lie ahead. It’s been weird to say the least. I guess it’s going to take a while to get used to my new “normal.” An interesting side note that I have realized today… Living next to Sawyer has created a rhythm in my life. Not that we saw each other very much around the house, mostly j...

As promised, I’m sitting here in MY apartment on MY couch watching MY television enjoying MY peace and quiet. See a theme here? Yes, today I left my husband. Wow. It is absolutely crazy to say/think that. All at once I feel extremely grown up and yet terribly young at the same time. The day started off with a bang. I was up early to take care of the last few details and Duckie was irate pretty much. I sat and desperately waited for my moving party to get there knowing that at any minute he was going to lose it. Sawyer jetted over briefly to let me know he had to run an errand and he’d be back in a few. I swear, just seeing him does something unnatural to me. That’s the biggest thing I’m going to miss from moving – no casual encounters out in front of our houses. The Dave and Josievshowed up. My high school saviors! I’ve known these guys forever and they volunteered out of the good of the heart to help me move. It was definitely awkward to start loading up the vario...