Life Can Change in Mere Seconds...
Blogging about my dad’s death made me think of something that I don’t know that I’ve revealed to anyone except for the therapist I saw for about 10 weeks after he died.
On that awful, awful day as I sat on the sidewalk feeling like my world was crumbling around me, I had an overwhelming realization. Where my sister clung to her husband for strength and support, where my brother and his wife held on to each other to get through those first few horrible hours and days, where my mom wept continually begging to hold my dad’s hand just one more time…. I felt nothing for Duckie. In those first hours, I didn’t want him to hold me, I wanted my friends – my two college BFFs and my friend who I called a soul mate in my friendship post.
I can vividly remember sitting on the sidewalk out in front of my parent’s house and thinking that more than anything I wanted them there to hold me while my world was falling apart. Duckie, poor Duckie, he tried to hold me but I was a woman alone in that moment. I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want him to hold my hand. I didn’t want to hear his words of comfort. I didn’t want him period. I wanted to curl into a ball and be alone until my girls could get there to save me.
They were the first people I called to tell what had happened and they all came to be with me as fast as they could. Each one had a unique purpose; something Duckie could never be for me. One was my angry friend. I could rail against the unfairness of it all with her. One was my emotional/spiritual friend. I could cry and sob and let out all the emotions that were raging inside and she was right there with me reminding me it was ok and that God would get me through this. And one was my inappropriate funny friend as I like to call her. She made me laugh barely 24 hours after he was gone – seriously laugh, not a chuckle, not a giggle, but a deep heartfelt come from the depths of my soul laugh. These three women were the ones who got me through the first few days and weeks.
I did turn to Duckie in the middle of the night when I’d wake up sobbing and unable to breathe. But I admit I turned to him reluctantly. I never woke him up asking him to hold me and few times did I seek out a hug from him in the weeks ahead.
As all these emotions went on in the weeks after my dad’s death I don’t know that I fully realized what they were revealing to me. It was only after some time had passed that I realized what exactly I was becoming aware of.
It still amazes me to realize that in that swift of an instant, I knew how far and how deep the divide in my marriage had grown and that more than anything, I wanted out of it.
Miranda
On that awful, awful day as I sat on the sidewalk feeling like my world was crumbling around me, I had an overwhelming realization. Where my sister clung to her husband for strength and support, where my brother and his wife held on to each other to get through those first few horrible hours and days, where my mom wept continually begging to hold my dad’s hand just one more time…. I felt nothing for Duckie. In those first hours, I didn’t want him to hold me, I wanted my friends – my two college BFFs and my friend who I called a soul mate in my friendship post.
I can vividly remember sitting on the sidewalk out in front of my parent’s house and thinking that more than anything I wanted them there to hold me while my world was falling apart. Duckie, poor Duckie, he tried to hold me but I was a woman alone in that moment. I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want him to hold my hand. I didn’t want to hear his words of comfort. I didn’t want him period. I wanted to curl into a ball and be alone until my girls could get there to save me.
They were the first people I called to tell what had happened and they all came to be with me as fast as they could. Each one had a unique purpose; something Duckie could never be for me. One was my angry friend. I could rail against the unfairness of it all with her. One was my emotional/spiritual friend. I could cry and sob and let out all the emotions that were raging inside and she was right there with me reminding me it was ok and that God would get me through this. And one was my inappropriate funny friend as I like to call her. She made me laugh barely 24 hours after he was gone – seriously laugh, not a chuckle, not a giggle, but a deep heartfelt come from the depths of my soul laugh. These three women were the ones who got me through the first few days and weeks.
I did turn to Duckie in the middle of the night when I’d wake up sobbing and unable to breathe. But I admit I turned to him reluctantly. I never woke him up asking him to hold me and few times did I seek out a hug from him in the weeks ahead.
As all these emotions went on in the weeks after my dad’s death I don’t know that I fully realized what they were revealing to me. It was only after some time had passed that I realized what exactly I was becoming aware of.
It still amazes me to realize that in that swift of an instant, I knew how far and how deep the divide in my marriage had grown and that more than anything, I wanted out of it.
Miranda
*hugs*
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