I Never
Tonight we had a friend over for dinner and Russell wanted to play I never...it got me thinking. There is a lot of TMI in here...so skip it if you don't want details.
I’d never considered having an affair and breaking my marriage vows until August 2007. (I had been the other woman before though and technically I did cheat on him twice before we got married, but not after.)
I’d never had anal sex until the fall of that same year.
I’d never posted an ad on the Internet searching for dates or other adult activities until August 2007.
I’d never had an orgasm so powerful that I experienced this term the kids call squirting until July 2008...now I can do it with much greater frequency, but still learning.
I’d never considered actually leaving him until last fall (09) and even then I’d never thought I would actually act on it.
I’d never thought I would be jealous that he found someone else, but I am…it really makes me angry.
I’d never thought about how I would spend the life insurance money until after I started having the affairs.
I’d never thought I (of all the people in the world!) would end up a single mother…which I will be in 2013 (or sooner if we find we really cannot live together or he gets promoted before I finish school).
I wonder if I was ever actually truly in love with him. I love him, but was I “in love”? I honestly don’t know, which naturally makes me lean toward I wasn’t if I can’t identify a time in the last decade that I felt that emotion. I think I married him because he was my bff and it felt safe. I’m angry he’s dating based on my own Type A, competitive nature…not that he’s “leaving” me for some guy. Now if it were for another woman, it would be ON…I’d kill him and would care less about the insurance money. He’s gay…I get it. I just want him to be gay, alone, and slightly miserable over losing the best thing that has ever happened to him…is that so wrong? ;) Part of me feels like his dating and it pissing me off is karma for my own past behavior…part of me just thinks it’s the aforementioned personality characteristics I possess (the latter being the more reasonable answer). I do honestly think he will end up being promoted and moving before I finish school…stay tuned for that! If I do well in this new job, it really won’t matter. I’ll be fine financially without him, which actually may make me ask him to leave so I can live in peace. We’ve been getting along pretty well lately though. I got pissy with him the other night over him asking for my date night Friday…but once I got my way, I was over it (and the really good part…I wasn't sure I even have plans yet.).
On that note, he’s told me recently (numerous times) that he’s done giving in to me and letting me manipulate him. Bwahahaha…he’s not. I can still manipulate the crap out of that poor man and sometimes (most of the time actually) I’ve taken to just doing it for sport. I do love a challenge. Several of our oldest friends have recently told me independently of knowing that others have said the same thing what a shift they see in him and have seen for some time. It was an interesting observation that I haven’t chosen to share with him, as they were not saying this to be kind. I think he has changed a lot. We both have…he’s just reverted back to some old ways that were really immature and unbecoming. I’ve honestly asked people not to blame him for this marriage failing. We’re both very much at fault for our marriage failing…it does take two people in both regards (success and failure). His wasn’t a conscious decision, but mine was…I think for that I do feel a lot of guilt. I can justify it all day long, but that day in August ’07 when I placed that very first profile on a swinger website it was the beginning of the long road to here.
-Jules
I’d never considered having an affair and breaking my marriage vows until August 2007. (I had been the other woman before though and technically I did cheat on him twice before we got married, but not after.)
I’d never had anal sex until the fall of that same year.
I’d never posted an ad on the Internet searching for dates or other adult activities until August 2007.
I’d never had an orgasm so powerful that I experienced this term the kids call squirting until July 2008...now I can do it with much greater frequency, but still learning.
I’d never considered actually leaving him until last fall (09) and even then I’d never thought I would actually act on it.
I’d never thought I would be jealous that he found someone else, but I am…it really makes me angry.
I’d never thought about how I would spend the life insurance money until after I started having the affairs.
I’d never thought I (of all the people in the world!) would end up a single mother…which I will be in 2013 (or sooner if we find we really cannot live together or he gets promoted before I finish school).
I wonder if I was ever actually truly in love with him. I love him, but was I “in love”? I honestly don’t know, which naturally makes me lean toward I wasn’t if I can’t identify a time in the last decade that I felt that emotion. I think I married him because he was my bff and it felt safe. I’m angry he’s dating based on my own Type A, competitive nature…not that he’s “leaving” me for some guy. Now if it were for another woman, it would be ON…I’d kill him and would care less about the insurance money. He’s gay…I get it. I just want him to be gay, alone, and slightly miserable over losing the best thing that has ever happened to him…is that so wrong? ;) Part of me feels like his dating and it pissing me off is karma for my own past behavior…part of me just thinks it’s the aforementioned personality characteristics I possess (the latter being the more reasonable answer). I do honestly think he will end up being promoted and moving before I finish school…stay tuned for that! If I do well in this new job, it really won’t matter. I’ll be fine financially without him, which actually may make me ask him to leave so I can live in peace. We’ve been getting along pretty well lately though. I got pissy with him the other night over him asking for my date night Friday…but once I got my way, I was over it (and the really good part…I wasn't sure I even have plans yet.).
On that note, he’s told me recently (numerous times) that he’s done giving in to me and letting me manipulate him. Bwahahaha…he’s not. I can still manipulate the crap out of that poor man and sometimes (most of the time actually) I’ve taken to just doing it for sport. I do love a challenge. Several of our oldest friends have recently told me independently of knowing that others have said the same thing what a shift they see in him and have seen for some time. It was an interesting observation that I haven’t chosen to share with him, as they were not saying this to be kind. I think he has changed a lot. We both have…he’s just reverted back to some old ways that were really immature and unbecoming. I’ve honestly asked people not to blame him for this marriage failing. We’re both very much at fault for our marriage failing…it does take two people in both regards (success and failure). His wasn’t a conscious decision, but mine was…I think for that I do feel a lot of guilt. I can justify it all day long, but that day in August ’07 when I placed that very first profile on a swinger website it was the beginning of the long road to here.
-Jules
Aahh...August of 2007, I remember it well! I have a couple of "I never's" that occurred around that same time ;)
ReplyDeleteJules - Your question of whehter you really loved him or not is one that weighs heavily on my mind. I question that about me and Duckie and I hate to think that I deluded either him or myself somewhere along the way. I want to believe that I loved him but I don't know if I truly did. I think I thought he was a good guy who really loved me, like you said it felt safe, and that getting married was what i was supposed to do at that point in my life.
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note I suppose, you know Duckie said the same crap to me about not bending over for me and not letting me push him around. Maybe it's all part of the separation process? I hope things keep going smoothly for you guys!
The nice thing is, what's done is done. You don't have to rationalize it anymore, because it sounds like you're both headed where you need to go: he gets to explore his (probably) true sexuality, and you get to play the bad girl for awhile, and figure out what truly makes you happy. Sounds to me that the end justified the means.
ReplyDelete