Worst Decision Ever

I am so pissed at myself right now.  Last night was supposed to be my third date with McKing that would have hopefully been sealed with a kiss.  Unfortunately, his mom was supposed to babysit for him and she cancelled thus resulting in our date being cancelled.  I understand I do, but I also feel a little frustrated.  Didn’t I just tell Gwyn last week that I wasn’t sure I wanted to date a guy with kids again?

So anyways I had told my friend D that I’d go out with her before I’d ever scheduled the date with McKing. Naturally I’d already cancelled on her so I was content to stay home and have a Mad Men marathon. About 10:15 she texted me asking what I was doing. I told her my plans had been cancelled so I was just chilling at home.  She begged me to come out and by that point in the evening I was a little bored with my own company so I threw on some clothes and headed off. 

We immediately got on the dance floor and danced our butts off.  I feel like I’d forgotten how much I love to dance.  At one point this guy on the dance floor started pointing at my feet. I looked down at them and next thing I know he had bent down and was stroking my right foot.  D and I cracked up and then happily accepted the drinks he bought us. If you only knew how much weird stuff happens with my feet like that.

Anyways we danced till we were dripping sweat and then headed home.  I swear I didn’t drink that much but by the time I got home I felt positively drunk.  I was admittedly feeling a little randy so I texted College Crush thinking maybe we could have some phone sex.  I was lying on my bed waiting to hear back from him but when my phone chimed it was Coach. 

Earlier in the night Coach had texted me but please note I didn’t answer.  Unfortunately I didn’t do that this time. I made the mistake of answering him. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was drunk and wishing I could have sex.  He offered to come over. I told him if he did he was not allowed to spend the night and he had to leave immediately afterwards.  Coach seemed shocked but said he’d be right over.  As I lay there waiting I knew it was a horrible, horrible mistake. Less than five minutes later he was here.

I answered the door with all the lights off. I guess I was thinking that if I didn’t have to actually see him it’d be less horrible.  He came in and tried to start talking and I told him to hurry up and get inside me.  He kept trying to kiss me but I wouldn’t kiss him back.  We had sex and I swear the whole time I was thinking “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING???”  Thankfully it didn’t last long and then he tried to lay there like we used to and I was just being unresponsive towards him. I was honestly really upset with myself and feeling like I was about to cry.  I got up and got dressed, he followed suit.  I walked him to the door and he wrapped his arms around me.

We stood there for a couple minutes like that and I let him hug me though I wouldn’t hug him back.  He kept kissing the top of my head and saying he understood and that he loved me. Coach left and I immediately made myself text Gwyn and Jules and fess up to what I’d done.  I also texted him an apology and told him that had not been a good decision and that it didn’t change things between us.  Then I deleted him out of my phone so I wouldn’t ever repeat this mistake again.

It wasn’t fair to him and lord knows it probably gave him some kind of weird validation to continue his pursuit of me – if you didn’t see the Facebook notice he sent me flowers at work on Friday.  The flowers threw me for a loop because when I got them I got excited and thought they were from McKing until I read the card.  I had to lay my head on my desk for a few minutes to get over the shock that they weren’t and then forced myself to write a list of all the reasons Coach wasn’t the right person for me. I read somewhere that after you divorce you should do that so if you ever question your decision you have black and white proof that it was the right thing.  I figured it’d work well in this instance too. FYI the list was two columns of a legal sheet notepad by the time I was done.

And it wasn’t fair to me.  I’m better than that. I deserve more.  I’m not going to tolerate this kind of behavior from myself. 

Miranda