Friday, February 4, 2011

Proceeding with Caution

Alright, call off the dogs. Put away your pitchforks and torches. I’m not ready to crucify Coach just yet. Last night we talked for a long time and though I’m not tiptoeing through the tulips, I am ok with where things stand between us. Miranda can forgive but don’t think Miranda is going to forget. Coach has a lot to make up for and he damn well knows it.

As far as the conversation, I started it off by just asking some vague questions and he started telling me most everything I had questions about. Eventually I just flat out told him I had read his email and then I grilled him hard core. He was not mad at me for reading his email at all. Mostly he was upset that I was so upset with him. As for the details…

The Divorce Timing Thing - the divorce timing thing was just semantics. I believe him about that and I’m totally letting that go. Especially because Jules told me she tells people she’s divorced when she’s not really.

The Pseud-Suicidal-Esque Email – He said he was at a really low point but by no means did he mean to imply that he was going to hurt himself. He said he was angry and depressed and wanted more than anything to literally pack his bags and start his life over in a new city. Honestly during this part of the conversation I fell apart because of stuff with my dad and I think I scared the bejezus out of him with my intensity over this issue. Coach said that period was really hard for him and he learned to lean on his family in a big way.

The Foreclosure – When he and the ex split, he moved out because she wanted the house. After a little while she decided she didn’t want it and she stopped paying the mortgage. Eventually she moved out and he moved back into the house and found out they were more than $11,000 behind on the mortgage. He said he tried to work something out with the bank but he didn’t have $11K to get the mortgage back on track so they made the decision to let the bank foreclose.

The Email from January 18/Pain Pill Issue – Coach swears he wasn’t “addicted” but that he did develop a dependency issue. I know he went through several years where he had multiple back surgeries so I have no doubt he was on pain meds a lot. And I know from when Duckie had surgery that it’s easy to get dependent on those pills and how they can really fuck with your mind. Anyways, he said he was on and off pills from surgeries for several years and those were the same years that their marriage really started to fall apart. The “person” he was talking to about this issue was someone from his church, not a counselor. It is someone he has gone to several times to talk about his feelings about his divorce and how to have some sort of cordial relationship with the ex. Coach says that email was to try to give them both some closure in hopes that she’d back off of bitching about me all the time to him. The love part of it was to acknowledge that he would always care about her but not that he is “in love” with him. I’m with him on all but the love part. That’s just weird to me and I let him know it. I don’t honestly think he’s in love with her but maybe that he has some unresolved feelings and still some grief over the loss of their 20 year relationship. Which I can understand but still. The love part doesn’t sit well with me.

The Job in DC - This one is a little trickier to swallow. Coach said he had already done the first interview before he and I ever went out. He knew it was full time and at that point, he was ready to get the hell out of NC to get away from his ex. Then we started dating and he said there were several weeks where he didn’t hear anything from the DC job so he thought he wasn’t in the running. Then they called him and invited him up for a second interview. That’s when he told me about the job. He said he was afraid if he told me he was entertaining the idea of an out of town job I’d hit the road fast and he didn’t want that. Coach says this job is a great career opportunity for him and he can get some new nerdy IT certifications and then be able to come back here and have a much wider array of jobs available to him. After the second interview he said he struggled with the decision about the job and what to tell me because suddenly he had a reason to want to stay but he also really needed to do something to boost his career. He swears he has every intention of moving back here ASAP.

Coach apologized profusely last night and he was disturbed by how upset I was. I do feel like he was totally honest with me last night and I made it extremely clear that he has to be 150% totally honest from here on out. His gimpness is that he doesn’t want people to think bad of him, sometimes to his own detriment. He clearly needs to work on that. It’s not the end of the world if someone gets mad at you or doesn’t like your choices or whatever. Gwyn pegged that early on just from me talking about him.

I certainly don’t excuse his behavior, but all day yesterday while I thought about what I wanted to do, I couldn’t wrap my head around breaking up with him. I really care about him and I think it’s worth giving him a get out of jail card this time. But if anything like this ever happens again, Miranda is packing her bags and hitting the door mighty fast.

I guess it all comes down to weighing the risk. And in this case, my instincts are telling me the risk is well worth the potential reward. Has some of the shininess of the new relationship worn off? Sure, but maybe it’s a good thing the rose colored glasses are off and I can proceed with caution.



  1. Well, I am sincerely happy you got the answers you needed...so I can say again, I can't wait to meet him!

  2. I'm reserving judgement (well not really...I'm going to stifle it) because of the sheer volume of half truths/omissions/lies BUT as we discussed, since you obviously like him and everyone has skeletons...I'll like him as long as you do.

  3. I think so long as you're truly proceeding with caution, there's nothing to lose but a little time and a little heartache. It certainly sounds that up to this point he's made you pretty happy - and you sound pretty confident that the happiness he makes you feel outweighs the potential risk of heartache. Just be careful about getting so close that you get your heart broken if your suspicions are confirmed, ok?