True Confessions

I wasn't fully honest yesterday and by that I mean I lied. I omitted a good deal of information to save face with my girls, but it was wrong and I shouldn't have lied so I'm confessing it all now. Here's how it started. Josie and Miranda friended Clark on FB very quickly upon learning that he and I were friends. It seems their red flags rightfully went up. He asked them how he knew them and Miranda ignored him. Josie did not. As they started chatting, he revealed I'd seem him yesterday, damn it.

I did...I'll finally admit it now that I have to because it's out there. He took me to the commissary for super cheap groceries since Bob has left us. Clearly I am NOT proud of this or I would have been honest yesterday. We have been talking a lot lately and he's been really nice. I know he's a sociopath and that he can hold it together for a little while. Trust me, I've been down this road a few times now. So why do I keep going back?? I haven't a clue. I know how troubled he is (though I learned a lot of details tonight). I know I can't fix it, yet for some reason I can't explain I'm drawn to him. I see no future with him. I see nothing good coming out of it, but damn if I don't feel the need to keep touching the stove just to make sure it really is hot.

I have always had my suspicions that he was sexually abused. He's a classic case of symptoms - the need for power and dominance, his sexual fetishes, his never ending search for someone to make him happy, how quickly he moves through women and relationships. It's like you're looking at a checklist. I thought it was a family member because he has told me before that his father was abusive. It seems his father was verbally and physically abusive, but he was in fact sexually abused. He was raped by his best friend and his best friend's brother. He totally shut down after telling me that, so I don't know the details but it does explain much.

Today has been a little mind-blowing. First of all, my worlds colliding was a little strange. Second, it's awesome to learn that you have women (or friends of any gender really) that love you enough to defend your honor on FB with a sociopath for 4 or 5 hours...seriously. Josie took Clark to task today on his past treatment of me, his claims of still caring for me, etc. She didn't roll over with him like I do and he didn't like it one bit. He was a total ass to her. I read a portion of their exchange and it was nuts. Sadly it was just the beginning and they both ended up super pissed off. I begged them both to stop and finally Josie put an end to it. They are both very strong willed people and I knew no good would come from this after that many hours.

Meanwhile, I'd been taken to task (rightfully so) by Miranda for my involvement with him again. She has committed herself to digging up his dirt and within minutes had learned his parents' address and that his dad owes back taxes and can't register his car. She's scary good. While Josie is the bad cop in this, she's apparently been given the role of good cop.

I know I need to walk away. I wish I could. I don't like this kind of drama in my life. I don't have time for it, but I can't in all honesty say that I won't see him again. I would love to be strong enough to do it, but something about him makes me weak and stupid which are normally not words people use to describe me. I know he's being kicked out of the Navy any day now and I know he's moving back to NC as soon as it happens because he can't afford to stay here. I really need that to happen like now. I wish they would quit dragging their feet and process him out already! I truly think him being 5000 miles away is the only thing that will break this stupid cycle.

Ok - there it is. I am weak for some stupid 25 year old. It almost physically hurts me to type that. Obviously with him it's not just about the sex because I'm having some awesome sex with the other team members, yet the irony is that that's exactly all there is to it. There is no potential for anything else. On that note, I need some wine.
-Jules